Creating a Blank Canvas On Valentine’s Day


Blank-Canvas-Outdoor“Valentine’s day ugh”, is uttered frequently by singles on February 14th, aside from those who choose to embrace their inner selves which I have been known to do.  I even took myself out on a date night.  I figured why not, nobody knows me better.  I have to say, I set the bar pretty high, and actually feel bad for future prospects who may feel the need to outdo my do!

So this year, I tried again.  Same type of date night, one that I was sure to enjoy and I truly did, but there was still something bothering me. It wasn’t that I didn’t have an actual date, or that I was spending it by myself it went deeper than that.

When I awoke this morning staring into the eyes of my poo-chon, I quietly wished her a Happy Valentine’s Day and that is when it hit me!  I closed my eyes and it was like I was watching an actual flash back in my mind.  The top right dresser drawer was slowly opening and inside was a white card decorated with red hearts, black lettering and the words “Happy Valentines’s Day”  After taking one of the biggest breath’s of my life, I opened the card.  

I quickly opened my eyes, I didn’t want to see what was written on the inside again.  I got out of bed hastily, I refused to let myself get upset.  The sun was shining, church was waiting and I was NOT about to succumb to a PTSD moment.  So I pushed the emotions away and continued on with my day.

It’s really scary sometimes how things can just pop into your mind when your not thinking about that particular circumstance.  For example, just a bit ago I was cleaning my 10 gallon fish tank, had been procrastinating it for a while so it was pretty dirty.  Elbow deep in fish muck I had a moment of clarity in this crazy brain of mine.  Valentine’s Day for most is a celebration of love.  Romantic love, family love, friendship love, and just love in general.  But for me it was forever changed the day I found that card.  Although hopeful I am wrong, there will probably never be anything that makes me feel better on that day just because of the circumstances surrounding that particular hurt.

blank cardSo what can I do about that?  Besides honoring those emotions and letting them move through me, there is one more important thing I can do…create a blank canvas on that memory.  I can’t erase it, can’t make it go away but I can try and alter it a little in my mind.  So the next time I close my eyes and that vision appears,  the card will be blank and at that time I will begin to insert new words, pictures, and phrases.  Continuing this until the day comes when I close my eyes and the Valentine is all mine. Filled with things that are important to me and signatures of those close to my heart.

Today my canvas holds a few lines from the song Just Be Held by Casting Crowns:

Hold it all together Everybody needs you strong
There’s freedom in surrender Lay it down and let it go
Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place
And not a tear is wasted In time, you’ll understand
I’m painting beauty with the ashes Your life is in My hands
In the storm is where you’ll find Me And where you are, I’ll hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest
In the arms of the God who won’t let go

This Valentine’s Day, if you are finding difficulty, I challenge you to make your troubled canvas blank and start creating one that is perfect for you.

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly 2/14/16

Related Links/Blogs

Just Be Held, Casting Crowns

Valentines Day Divorce, The Huffington Post

Valentines Day After Divorce, Modern Mom

Valentine’s Day During A Divorce, ecgoldberg

Novena for Single Catholics, Catholic Herald

 

Will YOU be YOUR Valentine?


be mineKiss Me – Hug Me – Be Mine – These are probably the most popular Valentine phrases that we have been forced to look at since Christmas ended.  I took a look back at my posts, and I am honestly surprised that I have not yet talked about the holiday that singles dread the most…..Valentines Day.  The only logical explanation I can come up with is that I was not ready to even think about going on a date for that particular holiday.  So why now?

I still don’t think I am “ready” but it is something that has been weighing on my mind recently.  I even went so far as to arrange a date!  Yep a real Valentines Day date….then I cancelled it.  What in the world am I afraid of?  That is the question of the year and unfortunately I do not have that answer.  Here I was with someone who actually wanted to go on a date with me on that special day, even though I kept saying that it was not “technically” going to be a date…just friends who happen to be going out on the most romantic night of the year, my inner self knew it was a date and that is what scared me.

Since the divorce I cannot look at a happy couple without first getting jealous, then getting angry.   Why can’t I be happy for them?  This year I have no one to blame but myself.  I let my inner fears get the best of me.

Last year however, I was a very brave soul and took myself out and it turned out to be the most amazing date of my new life!  I started out by going shopping the week before and bought an entire new outfit.  Were talking a shirt, skirt, high-heeled boots, jewelry, purse..the whole deal, just as if I were going on a date with an actual person.  I was going to attend a concert alone on that special night and I never felt more ready.  Until I got in the car and headed out.

I almost turned around and went home.  I was panicked!  I was going to a romantic concert alone on Valentine’s Day!  There would be couples surrounding me everywhere I turned, have I gone mad?  Sure enough when I walked in, the pink, red and white heart-shaped balloons made me want to throw up and they were everywhere, tied to every chair, hanging from the ceiling, and surrounding each doorway.  I was in romance hell.  But I was there and since I did not want to waste all the money I had spent, I decided to suck it up and at least try to enjoy myself.  I chose a table near the stage so that I could concentrate on why I was there in the first place, to sit and enjoy the music.  That night ended up being so much fun!  I met a lovely couple who took me under their wing for the entire evening and they were even trying to play match maker half way through the night.  I was surviving not being a couple on a night when usually only couples go out.  Most importantly, I was having FUN being there with myself.  I have to say I really know how to woo me.  I had dinner, I was dancing in the isle, I was singing out loud and I was smiling, not just a little smile…. the biggest!

After that night ended I remember going home and calling mom, I couldn’t wait to fill her in on how perfect the night was and I had made a comment to her I”ll never forget  “this Valentine’s night is going to be very hard to top”.  I had done it, I did everything I wanted and I had survived.

So what is wrong with me this year?  I guess I thought I needed to have a date because that is just what normal people do, so I went ahead and scheduled one.  I’m still not sure why I couldn’t keep it, something in me is saying I”m not quite ready for that yet.  Of course I want to have a partner some day, and I want to be able to go out on romantic dates with someone special.  I just don’t think this year is my time.  smile

Unfortunately I”m getting a late start on planning a date for myself and by myself at this point, but there is still time.   I have this entire week to plan something.  What would you like to do for yourself on this romantic day?  Some fun suggestions may be, a concert, a movie, dinner out at your favorite place, somewhere you always wanted to go.  Or even something as simple as buying yourself flowers, and candy.  Get up, get out, get dressed in your best and woo yourself better than you’ve ever been wooed before.  I don’t know if I will be able to top last year but I sure am going to try.  It’s important at this stage in the game to be able to go out and have fun by yourself, before you’ll be comfortable letting someone else in on the fun.

Have you wooed yourself?  Please share in the comment’s.

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

2/9/14

Related Posts/Topics

Gold, Britt Nicole

Six Ways To Be Your Own Valentine

Be My Valentine, Valerie’s Voice

7 Reasons Why Being Single on Valentines Day is fun

Single on Valentines Day, KSSU The Blog