Out of the Chrysalis

Celebrating and embracing the transformation within


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Memories Triggered


chrysalisSpring is upon us and that means caterpillars everywhere are on the verge of becoming a newer version of themselves. With much time spent in the chrysalis, letting go of the past and preparing for a great adventure.  Over the past 7 years, I have been doing the same thing and life has led me to many wonderful adventures of late.  Recently however, I had a “moment” that I would like to share with you! It came suddenly and completely took me by surprise!

In January of 2013, I wrote a post on PTSD and Divorce. Over the past few years, I have not suffered any of those mentioned PTSD experiences, and have felt pretty well renewed.  I have some wounds that will always be present in my mind, but for the most part, I am a new and improved person who just happened to have survived a divorce.  Towards the end of that post, I mentioned that as part of my healing journey, I was at war with my memories.  Through the restorative process, I have surrendered my memories and processed much of what I needed too, or so I thought. Apparently, my mind had other plans and decided to wage war once again.

The trigger was a song that happened to come on while I was watching television. The song immediately infuriated me.  I began yelling out and having an argument with the person singing.  I wanted to know what gave the artist the right to create such a song and sing it as if it were the best thing ever written.  I found myself having a very one-sided conversation and becoming angrier at every word.

The next day I was speaking to a friend about my “moment”. All of a sudden, I heard words coming out of my mouth that were not there the night before.  I was actually explaining why that song was such a trigger.  I quickly realized that what was happening in the lyrics was something that I wished I had done during my period of doubts.  That piece was a rendition of my life but with scenes that never played out due to my fears and uncertainty.  Situations that I did not allow myself to be a part of because I did not want to believe they were true.  These impetuous feelings were hurtful to me, but this time I was the one causing the pain.

I know we cannot go back and say “what if”, but I really wanted to ask myself that question. The more I thought about it; my answer was that the outcome would probably not have been any different.  In fact, it may have been worse.  I trusted in my perception during those times, and I chose a way to react that was secure for me.

This unexpected moment was a very valuable lesson. It has showed me that deep down this was an unresolved issue, having nothing to do with my ex, it was all me!  Will there be more? I have no clue, but at least now, I know how to identify it and process it.  I do know that when it happens again, I will let the music play, soak in the lyrics and glide with the rhythm.

butterfly musicWhat I think is important to pass along here, is do not shut yourself out! These “moments” will appear without warning and can be frightening to face head on.  I faced mine by accident the following day and I am grateful for the experience and now the knowledge.  When you get to this point in your journey, remember this as an important step in the healing process.  Trust in God, and listen to what you have to say.  Do not be afraid to be angry with yourself but also remember to be just as forgiving!

Do you have an experience of a “moment” you would like to share? Please comment.

Blessings, Kimberly / Courageous Butterfly

Related Topics/Posts

Does PTSD after divorce exist? You better believe it!

Letting Go of Regret

 

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Hello World…let’s fly


“Hello world!  I know I have been away for quite some time; life has taken me to places both familiar and unknown”, said the butterfly.   ©KA    

flyLast week during a conversation, it came up that the caterpillar does not know that a struggle is coming, or that it will be transformed into something more beautiful than it once was.  Many of us do not know the storms that lie ahead or how we will be changed because of them.  The difference between our struggle and that of the caterpillar, is the fact that we remember most of what we’ve gone through.  Some say, the butterfly, once it emerges only has memory of its time just before entering the chrysalis.  I can’t decide which is better, remembering every moment of the struggle, or just the very end.

Studies completed on the brain of a caterpillar and that of a butterfly have shown that some memory can be retained after metamorphosis if it was created in the later stages of caterpillar life.  Those studies involve smells with a shock to the caterpillar and when the same scent is offered to the butterfly, it avoided those scents proposing that it remembered the shock.

What if we applied this to a traumatic life event?  It takes me back to times through my healing process where situations or events would bring out feelings of fear and remind me of moments that were hurtful for me.  Even though it is hard to remember what we have gone through, I think we also can learn a lot of lessons through that pain.  I wonder if the butterfly is missing out on some of that since it doesn’t remember most of it’s life as the caterpillar.  Or…is that a blessing in disguise?  I suppose it depends on the situation and how each of us responds to our own healing environment.

The caterpillar could not prepare for what was about to happen, and many times we do not see or anticipate the circumstance that will be forever life changing for us.  When the storm hits were are just thrown in with no clue of how or when we will come out of it.  The caterpillar has to shed its skin in order to enter the cocoon and then it completely turns to mush before being restored to its new version.  We’ve all been reduced to mush at some point during our trial, and then our own metamorphosis occurs.  Taking us from broken to beautiful.

I’ve spent a lot of time over the last few years focusing on the transformation and never really considered what it would feel like to be the butterfly…until now.

The struggle in the chrysalis is a real one and we all go through it differently.  Some caterpillars are inside for months, some weeks, some even a year over winter.  Life changing events do not happen overnight and it is important to know that the changes cannot be rushed.  However, it is critical that the focus be on allowing life to take you through the experiences that will ultimately form your wings and allow you to fly.

For the first time, in a long time I can actually say that I am the fully transformed butterfly.  I’ve closed my eyes and I can see myself emerging.  Taking my first breath of fresh clean air was the most magnificent feeling!  It was cool and crisp, it was filled with joy, and a feeling of love in my heart.  The scents that triggered my shock are now insignificant to my future.   I can honestly say “my wings are ready.”

I stumbled upon a song recently and these words really spoke to me, I hope they are encouraging for you on your healing journey.  “ You won’t forget the heavy steps you took to let it go, but close your eyes count to 10 and hold your breath and fly.”

Can you see your future as a butterfly?  Please share in the comments.

Many Blessings,  Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

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Do Caterpillars know the’ll become butterflies?

Do Butterflies Remember Being Caterpillars?

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Flipping Time


IMG_0753 (2)I received  a gift this week, it was small but meaningful. Given to me by someone who knows nothing about me only the fact that I have an obsessive collection.   It could be annoying to others which makes me smile just a little.   It holds purpose and keeps me on track.  I felt special to have been the person to whom it was offered.  Have you guessed it yet?

I will end your suspense, it was a clock.  But not just an ordinary clock it is in the shape of a butterfly.  Made of plastic, the clock mechanism came out which left the butterfly totally empty.  An empty butterfly is not a pretty sight in my eyes.  In fact when I first realized the clock came out of the shell I thought I had broken it, but the clock kept ticking so I knew it was still working.  I was reminded of myself,  I was broken, but kept ticking long enough to keep myself working to prepare for my flip.

So here I am, having survived several what would be anniversaries, birthdays, graduations, and at the same time I have invited new friends, and relationships. I have met some very wonderful people who needed me just as much as I needed them.  I have held the hands of some who needed me and others have held mine.

Some can flip a house and others can flip a soul.  Both are flipping “time”.  I’ve been there and have witnessed lives being changed.  I have seen a crossover between faithless and the faithful when a man visits his mom for the first time at her grave in over ten years.  I have felt the love of a son to his parents when being introduced at their grave sight.

Both of those instances stopped time for me.  I found purpose and meaning  where my IMG_0754 (1)life was at that moment. I had flipped time and I was making a difference.  Everything happens for a reason, I will always believe that.

So let’s flip some time my way, I am about to embark on another journey.  Making a move back to the area where I grew up.  It will take some adjusting but I am confident that I will find myself pretty close to where I left off.

A young, vibrant woman holding on for love, true to herself, ready for adventure, and for the “one” to give her the ultimate flip!

Courageous Butterfly

6/1/16

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Dating After Divorce…….I know its been a while!


Young couple holding hands with sun-flare.

I almost forgot the feeling of the keys under my fingertips.  It has been too long since I posted on this site and to my readers I apologize. My respite was due to trying to live in the moment without looking in my rear view mirror and so far so good!

What I want to talk about in this post is kind of scary, and I’ll admit it has had my blood pressure up just a little bit.  Dating after divorce!!!  Let me start by saying I highly recommend it, however it is not as easy as I thought it would be.

We have our scars and it doesn’t matter how deep they are, they can and will at some point bring up memories or feelings of past relationships.  After my divorce I was told not to date for at least five years and I thought that idea was completely crazy! Now I kind of agree.  It’s been four years since my divorce and I’m truly very happy in this new relationship, but I”m also dealing with some divorce demons.

Wondering and hoping that  the rug will not be pulled out from under me as I am in this happy state, I decided the best way to overcome this is to kick it’s ass!  I wake up every day and only focus on the day, not my past, not my future but to live in the moments as they happen, and so far it is working, and when it’s not I text my sister!

Sometimes I find myself caught in a PTSD moment and it is all I can do to bring myself out of it, but I do.  I think that the fact I survived a divorce means I will always have some sort of PTSD event pop up, but I also know I will get through it when it happens.

My goals right now are to continue to kick the rear end of divorce; step up to the new relationship plate, and knock one out of the park!

It feels so good to be back!

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

6/30/15

Related links/posts

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Soul Mates?


caterpillarbutterlfy I want to start off with a question…why are so many of us consumed with finding our “soul mate”?

I have only been divorced for four years which to some may seem like a really long time but to those of us who have been living it, it seems like just yesterday we were in the court room making the final arrangements.  It is hard enough to deal with the reasons for why your marriage or relationship has ended but then pile on top of that looking for someone new, as far as I’m concerned that is a recipe for an atomic bomb!

If we ask Google what a soul mate is Wikipedia says this:  A soul mate is a person with whom one has a feeling of deep or natural affinity.    Simple enough, but psych central says:  “A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake,” author Elizabeth Gilbert said. “But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.”

Then there are the energy feeling resources that say : “Soul mate” is sometimes used to designate someone with whom one has a feeling of deep and natural affinity, friendship, love, intimacy, sexuality, and/or compatibility. Soul mates can have various types of relationships, which do not always include romantic love. They can be close friends, co-workers, a teacher, anyone who influences your life one way or another. They play the emotional, spiritual, physical, and mental, games of third dimension with you. They can affect relationships in a positive or negative way depending on the emotional issues of the people concerned.

And last but not least Google Images (image copyright of google images).  soul mates

So how do you know?  I was tucked snugly into bed when this post jumped out of my brain and started to take shape on this page.  There is something to this that I need to get to the bottom of and I need your help!

Here we are, all suffering from a loss and we are trying so hard to move on.  Whether it be divorce, death, or separation we are all in this together.  The definitions that I cited are confusing to me how can the most important person you will ever meet not be meant for forever?  Or how can your soul mate not include romantic love?  I always understood the definition of soul mates to mean life long partner, which you would think would mean in all aspects of your life and not in a negative way.

So does this mean when we meet our “soul mate” and choose to or are forced to let them go then we are moving on to our next dimension?    But the bigger question is can one person have more thane one soul mate?    So I googled it and there is a lot!  Here is just one quote: “The bond shared with each soul mate is truly exceptional. Humans are the most complex beings, and each soul mate complements a different aspect of us. We find comfort in having someone who can understand and relate to us. ”

I also found that a “soul mate” can be someone communicating to you from other life times, so maybe its the people in my dreams.

Here’s what I’m thinking…. there is no real answer until you know it when you have it.

For some of us grieving our loss we had it and it is now gone, according to google and other research options it is possible that you will find it again or maybe it’s been there all along and you just didn’t know it, in which case, just hang out, sit tight and let God or the Universe do it’s thing!  As far as I’m concerned, I”m pretty sure the caterpillar wasn’t concerned with finding a “soul mate” while making its transformation to a butterfly, because it was it’s own and to me that is a blessing!

I’d welcome your thoughts.

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly 1/27/15

The truth about soul mates

Definition of soul mate

 


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Turn Signal… It’s time For A New Journey


195362657 (2)“Say goodbye to where you’ve been and tell your heart to beat again” are the lyrics that have been burning through me over the last few weeks.  I’ve been grappling with decisions on where to plant my feet and start my new beginning and making those choices has been crazy. I’ve had to think through so much  in the last few years that I just could not do this last one, even though it was possibly the most important.  I couldn’t do it.  Each time I thought I knew what I wanted I would change my mind again.  I was going in complete circles and not ending up where I knew I needed to be, but did I really know where that was?

This is another situation where I may have looked to be strong and handling everything ok, but inside it wasn’t happening.  There was a time in my marriage when I had my doubts and suspicions and I chose not to act on them and when I did, those concerns were belittled and brushed aside.  The past four years I have been reliving that memory on a daily basis, it is my route home, and each time I take it I see it clear as day.

We had left the same time that fall day, the kids and I headed out and he to work.  His car moved ahead of mine and got a couple of car lengths ahead but I could still see it.  I looked up and saw I was being stopped by the red light and followed his car with my eyes as he ventured forward.  Just as the light turned green I saw it….the turn signal, he was making a left even though he should have been going straight.  I had driven that path before certain that I would see what I thought in my heart was happening, but never did.  I had a choice to make and having my children in the car I chose to go on with our day and question it later.  

I’ve never forgotten that moment, each day when I hit that left signal to return home I see it happening again, only this time I am the one going to that destination and I have no idea how or why I chose to end up here.  For some reason since I got the news the house has sold and I”ll soon be free to make my new beginning that flashback is even more clear to me.  I don’t know if that memory was holding me back from making the decision on where I want to start over but I know my heart needs to make a clean break.

Over the past two days I have finally made my choice and it is to take that leap.  I can’t stay a prisoner in this town and relive all those moments over and over again.  I have found  a place that makes me smile, it’s pretty and shiny and happy!!  A little pricey but hey, it’s well worth it.  The emotions I have right now are unremarkable, just knowing that I will not have to drive that path again and see that left turn signal, instead I will be going straight on my new path, not looking back and free.  dreamer

I have no idea what is in store for me but I know I will be comfortable and happy, and maybe will even be able to find out who I am.  I know it’s a cliché to say you have to find yourself, but it’s true.  When you have been through a loss and a trauma that turns your world inside out, it transforms you into someone you never thought you would be.  I need to find Kimberly, get to know her and together she and I will embark on this new journey.

Is there a memory that is holding you back?  Please share.

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

8/10/14

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Tell Your Heart To Beat Again, Danny Goke

52 Opportunities For A New Beginning, Insight From A Woman’s Heart

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Its The Little Things


little thingsWe all know how to take things for granted in life, some better than other’s and I”ll admit that I have done it as well.  Recently I have noticed that I am missing some of the little things of my marriage.  A morning smile, sharing a cup of coffee, or just a simple hug before beginning my day.  I was really in a funk wishing I had someone to share all those things with, but upon about five minutes of reflecting on my past I can honestly say that I don’t think I ever had many of the little things while in my marriage.

So if I didn’t have them then, why am I missing them so much now?  How do I know what it is I’m missing?  A wonderful roommate was graciously dropped into my home and in spending time with her day in and day out is when I noticed that I really enjoyed sharing those little things with another person.  I like having conversation in the morning over a cup of coffee.  Having an actual conversation with someone while preparing dinner who is over the age of 14 is fantastic!

It’s given me a chance to really think about some of the other little things I may want to share with someone down the road, and it’s showed me how important they are.  Just because they are called “the little things” does not mean that they should not carry as much importance as some of the “bigger things”.

When I look back now I wish we would have shared more of those tiny moments because they would have been more meaningful than the times that we thought were more important.

Going back is not an option so for me; all I can do is take note of how I’m feeling about those little things, and make sure I am aware of just how important they are to me.  This way I am assured of making them meaningful in any future relationships.  My little things will actually be the biggest part of any new relationship.  I will make sure that they are known and that whoever I am with is ready and willing to share them with me.  Enjoy the Little Things

I”m making my list and I”m checking it three times, twice is not enough.  I am keeping track of when I notice that little something missing from my life and I will move it to the top of the list.  This way nothing get’s forgotten, nothing will be overlooked, and I will have all that to look forward to when getting to know that special person.

Is any one else out there keeping a list of those little but important things that are missing from your life?  Please respond in the comments.

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

3/16/14

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Keep Holding On, Avril Lavene

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