Out of the Chrysalis

Celebrating and embracing the transformation within


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Accepting Transformation Part 1


orangebutterflyI have had an amazing butterfly experience!  As I mentioned previously, I was able to bring home two caterpillars in the hopes of being able to be part of their transformation. I am happy to report that I was able to observe every stage, and at times I felt myself going through every change right along with them.

Exciting times when a girl gets to bring home a couple of caterpillars, and the moment I carried them through the door was the beginning of a whole new set of experiences. Little did I know, it was also the beginning of a new set of emotions as well.

It took just two days before they headed to the top of the cup and attached themselves to the lid.  It is in this spot where they would hunker down and prepare for the inevitable. Because they were in such a confined space, they really didn’t have much of a choice as to where they could go and safely transform.  Being able to hatch and release butterflies in homes or schools is something that has been going on a for a while, but it still didn’t change the fact, their environment as they knew it, had forever been changed.

I had no idea how that one movement of the caterpillars would remind me of what I experienced at the beginning of my trial.  I too was forced to hunker down in a confined space . It was not my choice; my emotions and peace of mind were not safe;  and the environment as I knew it, was about to be forever changed.

Just two days after the chrysalis was completely formed I was able to remove the lid and chrysalis2hang it in the hatching habitat.  During this process one of the chrysalis’ came loose and fell to the bottom.  I immediately reached for my instructions to find out what to do.  The instructions were to gently scoop it up with a spoon and place it on a paper towel.  It said most likely the butterfly would still be able to hatch without any damage.  Needless to say, worry was setting in.

Once I really thought about what the caterpillar may be going through, I was brought back to a moment when I was curled up in a ball in the corner of my kitchen, hoping I would come out of my experience without any damage.  

chrysalis1Once in the chrysalis the caterpillars will hatch within 7-10 days, and I made sure to keep an accurate count.  I was even able to set up a butterfly web cam so I wouldn’t miss a trick!  Guess what? I missed two tricks!  The first butterfly emerged prior to the camera being set up, this was the one at the bottom of the habitat.  I was so happy to see it had survived, that it eased my disappointment in not witnessing it.  Knowing the second one was just a day behind I stayed close by the web cam.  Just as a little kid knows when you are watching, this butterfly took a 7 minute window in the 30 minutes I had been away from the camera to come into our world.  Luckily for me the web cam took photos of movement and I was able to view it after the fact.

Excitement mounted high for me, knowing I was going to sleep that night with butterflies in my room and in the same moment, sadness set in knowing they would soon be released.  I knew all along that would be the outcome, but a part of me wanted to hang onto them forever if I could.

For a very long time I wanted to hold on to the feelings I had for my ex.  I felt sadness knowing that someday those feelings would no longer exist and a part of me wanted to cling to them.  The sane part of me knew that releasing the energy surrounding these feelings was the best thing I could do in order to heal.  Instead of holding on, I was able to finally release and let it go just as I would have to with the butterflies.

When I wrote Out of The Chrysalis; Free to Fly I thought I had fully experienced the similarities of the caterpillar during transformation.  The witness of this metamorphosis, has shown me that my book was just the beginning of fully understanding, not only the caterpillars experience, but also my own.

Stay tuned for the conclusion of the butterflies journey in my next post Accepting Transformation part 2.

Have you been able to see similarities in life situations? Please share in the comments.

Courageous Butterfly 4/27/17

Kimberly

 

 

 

 


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Fly with Grace, Peace and Hope


flygirlI was all set to call it a night, I leaned over to turn off the light and my body paused.  I looked at the lamp and was reminded that I still carry pieces of my past with me.  As I embark on yet another move, I am determined to let go of these items that have lingered in places where they really didn’t need to be.

Take for instance the lamp…which I made from a wine bottle…that was given to me by my ex.  I have moved three times since my divorce and apparently this lamp has made the trip.  Why is it still at my bedside?

I sat down at my vanity earlier today to begin to clean out the drawers and found an old wallet.  I pulled out old business cards and in the middle I found a photo probably 15 years old or more of the two of us on a New Year’s Eve…why is this photo still in this wallet?

I shopped at the grocery store today and gave the cashier my phone number for my rewards card…she repeated the name and it is still registered under my married name, why?

I received mail this week that was addressed to Mr. and Mrs…. why?  The company who sent it clearly knows that I am divorced.

I am in a place in my life where I am making positive changes, and for the first time I feel like they are changes that God wants me to make.  Things are moving smoothly and in a positive direction.  So then why am I getting all of these little reminders of my marriage?

It’s been five years and yet every time I make a literal move I find more mementos of our life together. I thought for sure I had done a formal cleanse but items still seem to surface.  This move has to be it…I no longer want to find these items that carry so much weight.  I like to think that I am at peace with my circumstance.   Truthfully I am, until that moment that I’m not.

fly freeYou can’t forget life and you can’t undo what’s been done.  What you can do is learn, grow and survive.  I know in the coming weeks as I continue to pack I will most likely stumble across more things that I thought I had let go of.  I will put on my wings and FINALLY set the items free.  Lightening the load will make it much easier for me to move both physically and emotionally.

Soon, I will return to the area where I grew up,  without the restraints of where I have been. Fueled with the power given to me by my children, friendships, experiences, and all of my scars, I will be at peace.  I will be ready for yet another transformation to become the best butterfly I can be! Fly with grace, confidence and hope.

Have you flown? Have you let it all go? Are you at peace?   Please share in the comments.

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

5/12/16

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Number 5….


okThis week will mark the five year anniversary of my divorce.  Needless to say my emotions are all over the place. December is a tough month, we would have been married 25 years and then toss in Christmas.  Divorced and married in the same month does not bode well in the healing process.

Today I decided to look into that magical number five. At this point I feel like it should all be water under the bridge but for me this number year seems to be the hardest, and I need to know why.

In our society we like to celebrate things by year, birthdays, anniversaries, jobs, etc and for some reason we make the 5 or 10 year moments mean more than the rest.  20, 25, 30 to 50 are celebrated benchmarks.

Being on the cusp of my five year divorce anniversary is not fun, and I’m not quite sure how I want to handle it.  Why is this year different from any other year? Why does it seem to stand out more? Will I go through this every five years? and what is with the number 5?  So I googled it:

The number 5 symbolizes God’s grace, goodness and favor toward humans and is mentioned 318 times in Scripture. Five is the number of grace, and multiplied by itself, which is 25, is ‘grace upon grace’ (John 1:16). The Ten Commandments contains two sets of 5 commandments. The first five commandments are related to our treatment and relationship with God, and the last five concern our relationship with others humans.

Five is the number of balance.

Five symbolizes man, health and love.number 5

Marriage

It combines the female number two with the male number three. Five is the number of marriage.

 

SO, are my feelings warranted?  Heck Yes!  5 is God’s grace and also the number of marriage.   I’m living in God’s grace but also grieving the number 5.

If you can shed light on this magical number please respond.

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

 

 

 


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Free to Love


I’m going to go out of the box on this one. I need you to use your imagination and have an open mind.

“Take a moment and think about what happens if you take a broken heart and mend it with a caterpillar in the center.

Now I want you to add gentle swirls coming off the caterpillar and filing the heart. These will represent your struggles, losses and fears.

Take a moment and really look at the image, notice the strength of your swirls, and focus on the center of your heart. Those hurts and broken dreams are what has made you whole again. By allowing yourself to feel the pain and bring it to the surface, you have begun to heal your heart.”

I’ve attended a women’s retreat this weekend most of which was silent. The past 30 hours or so have been filled with many soul searching moments but most of all I have figured out that I have come full circle since beginning my journey four years ago.

The pivotal moment came for me today while prayer walking outdoors on a beautiful sacred campus. After walking I took a pen to paper and began to draw what I was feeling. Not in words but in an image. Before I knew it I had filled my heart with the love and passion of the butterfly. It was at this moment that I was ready to fully give it all up, let it go and make my heart free to love again.

Saying it felt amazing is an understatement!! Especially when I got a good look at my drawing, it really made sense to me.

My heart now has wings and is free to fly. I trust there are bigger and better things ahead and I am now fully open to experience them.

If you can I highly recommend a short quiet time, actual silence and just be with your thoughts. Then when you ready, take a pencil to paper and let it go. You may be amazed by what you have created!!!

I welcome your thoughts. Have you doodled your feelings?

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

3/7/15

2015/03/img_5251.jpg


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Soul Mates?


caterpillarbutterlfy I want to start off with a question…why are so many of us consumed with finding our “soul mate”?

I have only been divorced for four years which to some may seem like a really long time but to those of us who have been living it, it seems like just yesterday we were in the court room making the final arrangements.  It is hard enough to deal with the reasons for why your marriage or relationship has ended but then pile on top of that looking for someone new, as far as I’m concerned that is a recipe for an atomic bomb!

If we ask Google what a soul mate is Wikipedia says this:  A soul mate is a person with whom one has a feeling of deep or natural affinity.    Simple enough, but psych central says:  “A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake,” author Elizabeth Gilbert said. “But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.”

Then there are the energy feeling resources that say : “Soul mate” is sometimes used to designate someone with whom one has a feeling of deep and natural affinity, friendship, love, intimacy, sexuality, and/or compatibility. Soul mates can have various types of relationships, which do not always include romantic love. They can be close friends, co-workers, a teacher, anyone who influences your life one way or another. They play the emotional, spiritual, physical, and mental, games of third dimension with you. They can affect relationships in a positive or negative way depending on the emotional issues of the people concerned.

And last but not least Google Images (image copyright of google images).  soul mates

So how do you know?  I was tucked snugly into bed when this post jumped out of my brain and started to take shape on this page.  There is something to this that I need to get to the bottom of and I need your help!

Here we are, all suffering from a loss and we are trying so hard to move on.  Whether it be divorce, death, or separation we are all in this together.  The definitions that I cited are confusing to me how can the most important person you will ever meet not be meant for forever?  Or how can your soul mate not include romantic love?  I always understood the definition of soul mates to mean life long partner, which you would think would mean in all aspects of your life and not in a negative way.

So does this mean when we meet our “soul mate” and choose to or are forced to let them go then we are moving on to our next dimension?    But the bigger question is can one person have more thane one soul mate?    So I googled it and there is a lot!  Here is just one quote: “The bond shared with each soul mate is truly exceptional. Humans are the most complex beings, and each soul mate complements a different aspect of us. We find comfort in having someone who can understand and relate to us. ”

I also found that a “soul mate” can be someone communicating to you from other life times, so maybe its the people in my dreams.

Here’s what I’m thinking…. there is no real answer until you know it when you have it.

For some of us grieving our loss we had it and it is now gone, according to google and other research options it is possible that you will find it again or maybe it’s been there all along and you just didn’t know it, in which case, just hang out, sit tight and let God or the Universe do it’s thing!  As far as I’m concerned, I”m pretty sure the caterpillar wasn’t concerned with finding a “soul mate” while making its transformation to a butterfly, because it was it’s own and to me that is a blessing!

I’d welcome your thoughts.

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly 1/27/15

The truth about soul mates

Definition of soul mate

 


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Be Weird With Me…I DARE YOU!


weirdI started off my day today being called weird, I found that to be odd.  I know, as most of you probably do, that I may have a little touch of crazy within me, but I never anticipated being called weird.

The holidays are just around the corner and many of us who have faced a loss can struggle with missing  tradition, family moments, and having that someone special to share it all with.  Well, would you think me weird or crazy if I told you that what I seem to be missing most is something that I never really had?  Yes it sounds strange, but I have a feeling it happens more often than not.

OK, now here is where it get’s really goofy.  I miss words…..yes I said words.   A writer who misses words, go figure.  In my mind they are not just letters formed together that sound good; yet they will seem simple to anyone who isn’t me.  During my marriage, my ex and I had totally different schedules, he worked and I was a Domestic Goddess, or Household Engineer.  His schedule was more specific than mine and he needed to be up very early most mornings.  I on the other hand, arose a bit later and by the time I was getting up, he had already left for work.  I cannot begin to count the times I would hope that we could awake together and there were even days when I planned to be up when he was, but he was an early riser and always seemed to beat me to the punch.

I never in a million years thought that I would long for the moment when I could awake, look over at the person I loved and say “Good Morning”.  Sure, I’ve said that phrase many times before to a lot of people, but for me in the context of arising in the morning and looking right into the eyes of my love, it takes on an entirely different meaning.

I would like to cite an example of how that phrase could take on an emotion or notion.  Bless his heart, Robin Williams is very well-known for the movie Good Morning Vietnam.  It’s a comedy, it’s somewhat fictional, and we all laugh when we watch it.  I’d like to ask, have you ever taken a moment to think about how some of the soldiers would have felt when they heard that phrase every morning during his broadcast?  They were all away from family, they were longing to be home, to see, feel and touch their loved ones.  To me that phrase was their hope.  When they heard it each dawn, it was another moment that they had survived and took them one day closer to the end of their tour.

So here is why I was called weird today.  Ready?  Well I attach a romantic emotion to the phrase “Good Morning” as well as “Good Night”.  I’d like to say I’m saving it for that special person or the special moment when I am blessed to look over as I awake and be able to mutter those two simple little words.   I refuse to use them loosely out of politeness because they mean so much more to me, and if I’m weird because of it then that’s OK to.  good-morning-9218

Here is your homework, think of something, it can be words, items, colors, music, anything just pick a noun, but one that is important to you but may seem weird to someone else.  Then share it here and show all of us out there how one simple, strange, weird, or odd thing means the world to you….. I DARE YOU to be weird with me. 🙂

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

11/6/14

Related blogs/links

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The Power of Stress


stressI’m back!!!  It feels like forever since I did my last post.  I’m sorry I was gone for so long but life was weighing me down a bit and I needed to focus, well I tried to focus anyway.

In a couple of past posts I mentioned my health was not that great and I’ve also talked about how stress can make you sick.  Well, I’ve been finding out lately that I totally underestimated the power stress has over the human body.  Unfortunately it looks like it has taken me three years, five neurologists, and roughly $25,ooo.oo to be told that my divorce has possibly made me sick.

This isn’t a topic I’m thrilled about and I’m even embarrassed to speak about it, but I feel it is extremely important that reader’s know how crucial it is to seek help even if you don’t think you are suffering from emotional stress.  Anyone who has been through a trauma, be it physical, emotional, or mental is at some point going to suffer some ill effects.

I don’t want to whine or bore you with the details so I’ll just give you the short version.  The last three years I’ve been dealing with constant pain, and I’ve been tested for everything including MS.  The good news (I like to pick out the positive) that we found some  minor things that I will need to follow with easy remedies like taking a baby aspirin every day.  I’ve sampled a buffet of meds along the way and we finally found one that took the pain level from a 7 down to a 4, which is awesome! but I was still looking for a concrete answer.  My final and next step was to seek out information on a chronic pain treatment program.  I was pretty upset knowing that we would never find the cause of the pain but if we could somehow treat it or eliminate it that would be the answer to my prayers. So off to the consult I went.

After telling my life story AGAIN in an exam room the doc very gently scooted his stool over and said “I’m gonna tell you some things you don’t want to hear”.   First, he said the amount of wine I was relaxing with every night is excessive for women, (why is it different for women than men??) and that it can make the nerve pain worse.  Ok, so step one ditch the red wine.  (Done!) Ok, so then he asked me if I thought he could give me an answer for the pain, I told him all I was after at this point was treatment but if he could shed some light to go right ahead.  That’s when he said that he thinks its stress and anxiety induced nerve pain, or nerve damage caused from STRESS!!

All I heard in my head was that I was causing my own pain…oh I was so mad at myself, but I needed to remain calm so I didn’t cause myself any more pain, that would be counterproductive.  I tried to think back to other times when I had stress in my life, to see if I remembered feeling any physical pain.  I couldn’t come up with an instance but I did remember feeling tired and sick.

Think about it, people who are grieving or upset generally end up feeling sick.  Some people have stress induced headaches, others stomach ulcers, some have panic attacks.  When our bodies cannot handle the anxiety it doesn’t know what to do, so it comes out in other ways.  For me it attacked my nerves.  Not feeling well, produced stress; medical bills produced more; no answers and fear of scary disorders produced even more.  I thought I had taken care of myself by seeking counseling after the divorce, and I was getting regular check ups, one of which showed high blood pressure for the first time.  If I look back now that is most likely how my body first started responding to the anxiety and stress of my situation.

Ladies, and gents I ask you to PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, don’t ignore signs and symptoms of emotional stress especially if you are feeling physical symptoms.  It can be anything from a headache, stomach ache, feeling anxious, fatigue, etc.  Google emotional stress symptoms and a long list will pop up.

I am hopeful that the chronic pain program will be beneficial to my pain. We are also looking into vitamin levels and I’ve already had to begin supplementing two of them.  Between that and staying away from the red wine I am sure to be on the road to recovery, however long it may be.  I’ve begun to implement ways to decompress and teaching myself how to relax.  Things like yoga videos, and walking the dog on a nice day have been beneficial so far.  Lighting aroma therapy candles, and relaxing with chamomile tea at night have also been helpful.  There are many ideas for relaxation online, next on my list is guided imagery a few nights a week just to learn how to breathe without being stressed! relaxed frog

Ok, now that I got all that off my chest, It feels good to be back at the laptop sharing my words in the hopes to inspire or just let other’s know that you are not alone!  We are all in this together! 🙂

Has stress had a long-term effect on your health?  Please share.

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

6/16/14

Related Links/Blogs:

Emotional Stress Causing What Health Problems

The Effects Of Stress Overload

How Stress Effects Your Health

Sick with Worry: How thoughts affect your health