Spring is upon us and that means caterpillars everywhere are on the verge of becoming a newer version of themselves. With much time spent in the chrysalis, letting go of the past and preparing for a great adventure. Over the past 7 years, I have been doing the same thing and life has led me to many wonderful adventures of late. Recently however, I had a “moment” that I would like to share with you! It came suddenly and completely took me by surprise!
In January of 2013, I wrote a post on PTSD and Divorce. Over the past few years, I have not suffered any of those mentioned PTSD experiences, and have felt pretty well renewed. I have some wounds that will always be present in my mind, but for the most part, I am a new and improved person who just happened to have survived a divorce. Towards the end of that post, I mentioned that as part of my healing journey, I was at war with my memories. Through the restorative process, I have surrendered my memories and processed much of what I needed too, or so I thought. Apparently, my mind had other plans and decided to wage war once again.
The trigger was a song that happened to come on while I was watching television. The song immediately infuriated me. I began yelling out and having an argument with the person singing. I wanted to know what gave the artist the right to create such a song and sing it as if it were the best thing ever written. I found myself having a very one-sided conversation and becoming angrier at every word.
The next day I was speaking to a friend about my “moment”. All of a sudden, I heard words coming out of my mouth that were not there the night before. I was actually explaining why that song was such a trigger. I quickly realized that what was happening in the lyrics was something that I wished I had done during my period of doubts. That piece was a rendition of my life but with scenes that never played out due to my fears and uncertainty. Situations that I did not allow myself to be a part of because I did not want to believe they were true. These impetuous feelings were hurtful to me, but this time I was the one causing the pain.
I know we cannot go back and say “what if”, but I really wanted to ask myself that question. The more I thought about it; my answer was that the outcome would probably not have been any different. In fact, it may have been worse. I trusted in my perception during those times, and I chose a way to react that was secure for me.
This unexpected moment was a very valuable lesson. It has showed me that deep down this was an unresolved issue, having nothing to do with my ex, it was all me! Will there be more? I have no clue, but at least now, I know how to identify it and process it. I do know that when it happens again, I will let the music play, soak in the lyrics and glide with the rhythm.
What I think is important to pass along here, is do not shut yourself out! These “moments” will appear without warning and can be frightening to face head on. I faced mine by accident the following day and I am grateful for the experience and now the knowledge. When you get to this point in your journey, remember this as an important step in the healing process. Trust in God, and listen to what you have to say. Do not be afraid to be angry with yourself but also remember to be just as forgiving!
Do you have an experience of a “moment” you would like to share? Please comment.
Blessings, Kimberly / Courageous Butterfly
Does PTSD after divorce exist? You better believe it!