“Valentine’s day ugh”, is uttered frequently by singles on February 14th, aside from those who choose to embrace their inner selves which I have been known to do. I even took myself out on a date night. I figured why not, nobody knows me better. I have to say, I set the bar pretty high, and actually feel bad for future prospects who may feel the need to outdo my do!
So this year, I tried again. Same type of date night, one that I was sure to enjoy and I truly did, but there was still something bothering me. It wasn’t that I didn’t have an actual date, or that I was spending it by myself it went deeper than that.
When I awoke this morning staring into the eyes of my poo-chon, I quietly wished her a Happy Valentine’s Day and that is when it hit me! I closed my eyes and it was like I was watching an actual flash back in my mind. The top right dresser drawer was slowly opening and inside was a white card decorated with red hearts, black lettering and the words “Happy Valentines’s Day” After taking one of the biggest breath’s of my life, I opened the card.
I quickly opened my eyes, I didn’t want to see what was written on the inside again. I got out of bed hastily, I refused to let myself get upset. The sun was shining, church was waiting and I was NOT about to succumb to a PTSD moment. So I pushed the emotions away and continued on with my day.
It’s really scary sometimes how things can just pop into your mind when your not thinking about that particular circumstance. For example, just a bit ago I was cleaning my 10 gallon fish tank, had been procrastinating it for a while so it was pretty dirty. Elbow deep in fish muck I had a moment of clarity in this crazy brain of mine. Valentine’s Day for most is a celebration of love. Romantic love, family love, friendship love, and just love in general. But for me it was forever changed the day I found that card. Although hopeful I am wrong, there will probably never be anything that makes me feel better on that day just because of the circumstances surrounding that particular hurt.
So what can I do about that? Besides honoring those emotions and letting them move through me, there is one more important thing I can do…create a blank canvas on that memory. I can’t erase it, can’t make it go away but I can try and alter it a little in my mind. So the next time I close my eyes and that vision appears, the card will be blank and at that time I will begin to insert new words, pictures, and phrases. Continuing this until the day comes when I close my eyes and the Valentine is all mine. Filled with things that are important to me and signatures of those close to my heart.
Today my canvas holds a few lines from the song Just Be Held by Casting Crowns:
Hold it all together Everybody needs you strong
There’s freedom in surrender Lay it down and let it go
Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place
And not a tear is wasted In time, you’ll understand
I’m painting beauty with the ashes Your life is in My hands
In the storm is where you’ll find Me And where you are, I’ll hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest
In the arms of the God who won’t let go
This Valentine’s Day, if you are finding difficulty, I challenge you to make your troubled canvas blank and start creating one that is perfect for you.
Courageous Butterfly 2/14/16