Out of the Chrysalis

Celebrating and embracing the transformation within


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A World I Can No Longer Play In


new-year-partyHere we are less than two days away from the new year.  I”m sure like me you are contemplating your resolutions, while looking back on 2013.  Some moments may be proud, other’s may make you look back and say “what?”, but none the less here we are embarking on another phase of our lives.  As usual I took a look back at my posts for 2013 and was stunned to see that exactly one year ago today I wrote a post titled Ready to Fly.  So why was I stunned?  Partly because I’m not sure I flew this year, in fact I know for sure that my wings have been grounded so to speak.  

During the year I posted about pain, panic, PTSD, being broken, finding peace, facing loneliness and accepting all of those things. So how in the world am I ready to fly with all of these issues going on?  and more so how could I think I was ready to fly a year ago?  These are questions I’ve been asking myself all day. Now, the year was not all that bad.  I was able to help many of my readers with my posts, and have made new friends because of them.  I was able to see a dear friend of mine reach some very important milestones in the healing process, I witnessed someone finding faith again, I made new relationships, and faced some defeats but also survived them. 

These are all good things, yet tonight I feel shaken and frustrated.   Did you ever just sit and stare at a snow globe as the snow is coming down and think how beautiful it would be to be stuck inside dancing in it?  I have many times, but lately as I picture my globe it is different.  I feel many hands shaking waiting for the snow to fall but I’m not dancing.  Instead,  I’m holding onto the sides just waiting for the movement to stop.  I’m frustrated, fearful, and saddened over some of the realizations I’ve had this past year.

As much as I want to believe that a year ago today I was ready to fly, that could not have been possible if you look at the healing I have had to go through over the past several months.  I will say I am very proud of what I have accomplished in both the healing and grieving process, however it seems that each new encounter or experience brings along another challenge.

This past year has brought way too many decisions, or maybe I have taken on too much at once.  I found myself drowning in decision making, and in the process failing.  I have had some relationship issues this past year, some pleasant, some not so much.  Some have said I’ve sabotaged relationships, other’s have stated I may not know how to love or questioned if I had ever really loved before.   I am quick to blame my past circumstances but that really is no excuse;  however a side effect of my past experience. 

Part_of_Your_World

I have often felt like I lost my voice somewhere.  I had lived under the control of another for so long that I don’t know how to find my own voice, but I know it is in there somewhere and I am determined to find it.

So, what do I do at this point?  I acknowledge the fact that I am still grieving, I’m still trying to figure out how to survive my divorce and be comfortable in my new life.  That will get easier in time once my surroundings stop changing.  I have had so many changes besides the divorce over the past three years, that it is no wonder there isn’t a blizzard in my snow globe of life, I need to take charge before an avalanche takes me out.

I am thankful and blessed for all the new friendships I’ve made and the people who have come into my life this past year and I would not change that for the world.  Actually, I wouldn’t change anything because If I have learned anything this year, it’s that they are right when they say change makes us stronger and I would not be who I am today if I had not gone through what I have. Getting to know this new person I’ve become is my next step.

Life after a loss or divorce becomes a world we are not equipped to handle, a world we can no longer play in.   I was searching for a song tonight, as it is a ritual of mine to listen as I write.  I searched the entire time I was planning my outline and could not find anything that was inspiring me.  Then out of nowhere while searching pictures I came upon Part of  Your World from the Little Mermaid.  That song as always touched me, but tonight it means even more to me than it ever has before.  I am living in a new world, just like Ariel.  Perseverance, faith, trust, and love will become the tools to carry me through.  I may not be ready to fly just yet, what matters most is that  I am free to fly.

Are you free to fly? do you feel ready?  If you have a similar story, please share.

Happy New Year,

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

12/30/13

Related blogs/links

Part Of Your World, The Little Mermaid

God’s Flight, Why I’m Grateful

Angel Soaring, Random T’s

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Ready to F.L.Y.


 

party hornsA new year is on the horizon and during this time many of us take a moment or two to look back on the past year and ask ourselves questions like “Did I set out to do what I had planned?”  ” Did I make the most of the past year?”  ” Was I true to myself?”  The list can go on and on.  I know I’ve written about looking ahead to the future and not dwelling on the past, but in this instance it is acceptable to reflect on what 2012 has meant to you.

I recently received a comment on an older blog post and when I re-read what I had written some months ago it brought tears to my eyes, just as the day I wrote it.  During this moment I decided to read a few more of the older posts to see what kind of reaction I would have.  In reading I was reminded of  what I was carrying with me at the time I wrote each individual article.  Some gave me an initial reaction of thank God I survived that!  Other’s had me holding back tears.  Then there were a few that gave me a “OMG I shared that” moment. The upside is I didn’t realize how much I have changed, grown and strengthened until I started reading.

Ironically, the post that was the hardest for me to write and still the hardest for me to read today is “All The King’s Horses”.  In that post I comment on how much I have grown, strengthened and transformed!  Yet, as I look back on it now I see myself even stronger.  Other’s that stand out are “Broken Can Be Beautiful”, and “Be The Cup”.  If you haven’t had a chance to read those I highly recommend it!

So, if I were to take a look back on 2012 what would I find?  Well, for starter’s when I began my blogging journey my children told me that blogging is the adult version of whining about it!  Interesting take on the world of blogging I suppose, however I made it a point to show them some of my first several comments from subscriber’s telling me how much my post had strengthened or meant something to them.  Score one for Mom.

In my writing world:  I am a little disappointed that I am not further along on the eBook that I had promised last August.  But like I said in an update, I cannot finish a book if I am still in the process of living through what I want to pass along to other’s.  The eBook is half done and when the time is right I will complete it. I have secured a photograph for the cover of the eBook courtesy of  Tracie Louise Photography.  I was thrilled to have the chance to submit an unpublished article to the New York Times!!  I was very close to having it published when we hit a snag, I am not an expert in my field, meaning I do not hold a degree in divorce.  That was a little upsetting, but the fact that I made it that far in the process was very rewarding!

The stress of 2012:  We are getting closer to an answer with my health issues and that is a very big relief!  That is something that has been weighing me down for a very long time.  Which reminds me, check out the post “When Life Weighs You Down”.  I survived two unexpected losses but going through them has added more energy to becoming stronger.

Emotions:  I am becoming more in tune with my intuition, which is something that is very important to me.  I spent a lot of years ignoring that little voice inside of me.  I am more at ease with what I survived.  I have learned how to channel my feelings into positive energy in the hopes of helping other’s going through a similar struggle.

Highlights:  I was very pleased this year to receive the Very Inspiring Blogger Award, courtesy of Elizabeth at Almost Spring.  During 2012 my insane obsession for butterflies really took on a new meaning!  I am surrounded by photos, coffee mugs, jewelry, wall hangings, and the best is the personalized license plate!  The moment I am most proud of is when I discovered or realized my passion for writing.  It is something I never studied and never really considered would be a part of my life.  When I sit down to write I am at peace.  Even if the topic is upsetting to me, writing puts me in a place within my spirit.  It is the one time when I am truly alone with my thoughts, emotions, and feelings.  I am grateful for this gift or talent, though I’m not sure just how good I am at it yet.  I can say that I enjoy writing very much and could make a career out of it if I was given the opportunity.  It warms my heart when I receive comments from reader’s saying how I have helped them on their journey, or just the fact that I shared something with them that they can relate to.  That is what it is all about!

Looking back now with a few obstacles set aside, I’d have to say that 2012 wasn’t all that bad.  I have made positive changes in my life butterflyflythat will carry me into the future.  I still have some work to do in some areas but hey no one is perfect.  I am excited to see what the coming year brings into my life.  I know that I am strong enough to handle any obstacle be it good or bad.  This butterfly is ready to fly into 2013.

Are you ready to fly?  Leave a comment.

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

12/30/12

RELATED LINKS/BLOGS

Ready to Fly, Richard Marx

If this were your last day

Self-Reflection

It’s A New Season