Fly with Grace, Peace and Hope

flygirlI was all set to call it a night, I leaned over to turn off the light and my body paused.  I looked at the lamp and was reminded that I still carry pieces of my past with me.  As I embark on yet another move, I am determined to let go of these items that have lingered in places where they really didn’t need to be.

Take for instance the lamp…which I made from a wine bottle…that was given to me by my ex.  I have moved three times since my divorce and apparently this lamp has made the trip.  Why is it still at my bedside?

I sat down at my vanity earlier today to begin to clean out the drawers and found an old wallet.  I pulled out old business cards and in the middle I found a photo probably 15 years old or more of the two of us on a New Year’s Eve…why is this photo still in this wallet?

I shopped at the grocery store today and gave the cashier my phone number for my rewards card…she repeated the name and it is still registered under my married name, why?

I received mail this week that was addressed to Mr. and Mrs…. why?  The company who sent it clearly knows that I am divorced.

I am in a place in my life where I am making positive changes, and for the first time I feel like they are changes that God wants me to make.  Things are moving smoothly and in a positive direction.  So then why am I getting all of these little reminders of my marriage?

It’s been five years and yet every time I make a literal move I find more mementos of our life together. I thought for sure I had done a formal cleanse but items still seem to surface.  This move has to be it…I no longer want to find these items that carry so much weight.  I like to think that I am at peace with my circumstance.   Truthfully I am, until that moment that I’m not.

fly freeYou can’t forget life and you can’t undo what’s been done.  What you can do is learn, grow and survive.  I know in the coming weeks as I continue to pack I will most likely stumble across more things that I thought I had let go of.  I will put on my wings and FINALLY set the items free.  Lightening the load will make it much easier for me to move both physically and emotionally.

Soon, I will return to the area where I grew up,  without the restraints of where I have been. Fueled with the power given to me by my children, friendships, experiences, and all of my scars, I will be at peace.  I will be ready for yet another transformation to become the best butterfly I can be! Fly with grace, confidence and hope.

Have you flown? Have you let it all go? Are you at peace?   Please share in the comments.


Courageous Butterfly


Related posts/topics

Tell Your Hear To Beat Again, Danny Goke






Between You and Me

women_support-1I have come to a realization that the healing process is more complex than I ever thought it was.  Every speed bump that I encounter along my transformation is just a reminder how fragile we can be during this process.  Between you and me, sometimes life just seems like chapters of goodbyes.

An important part of my transformation process is an annulment.  My divorce has been final for two years but there is a part of me that needs to reconcile that part of my life with God.  I’ve known that the process can be very lengthy and somewhat challenging.  For me, completing the initial paper work was not as hard as I thought it was going to be, partly because I have already been writing my story through this blog.  Even though several months have passed since I mailed in the petition , I hadn’t forgotten about it, however it wasn’t constantly on my mind either.

This past week I received a letter stating the process had officially begun and I would be contacted if further information was needed.  When I saw the envelope I knew what was inside and at first I felt happiness.  I was eager to open it up and see what it said knowing that this would soon end another chapter of the pain I had gone through.  The emotion that I was waiting for never came, instead I was immediately thrown into tears.  Just like I discussed in my last two posts, I was reminded of an emotion that left a very big wound.  Opening that envelope and seeing his name on the paper with mine left my mind in a tail spin.  emotional-divorce-300x265

I felt anger, sadness, heart-break, and loss.  Then I was upset with myself because again I thought I was comfortable enough with my divorce that I could handle being reminded of the marriage in this way.  I reached out to a friend who has been through the annulment process and he quickly reminded me that divorce is actually the death of a marriage, and I will never forget.  These emotions will come back off and on and when least expected.    Between you and me, I’m not sure I”m ready for a lifetime of never forgetting.

Because this is something that is very important to me, I will face these emotions  head on and with as much strength as I can muster up.   I know that it is another step in the healing process. I am still mourning my marriage as I would any other death, I just didn’t realize it until now.  I think the hardest part for me will be having the courage to face the tears.  Ya, that’s crazy coming from courageous butterfly I know.  In the beginning it was easy for me to cry, not sure if that makes any sense, crying is crying.  But it is different now because I’ve gone through the death.  It is a closed case, so the tears now are pure emotions, not related to my present life or my future, they are strictly tears of the past.  Between you and me, tears are the safety valve of the heart when too much pressure is laid on it. –Albert Smith.

When mourning the death of a loved one you are constantly saying goodbye and this is no different.  Each time you view a photograph or have a memory you are reminded of the life you spent with that person, and will be forced to say goodbye over and over again.  I thought I had said my goodbyes in the courtroom two years ago, I had no idea that it would be a lifetime of goodbyes.  Though this is a major goodbye, it won’t be the last.  There will be many situations in life that force us to say goodbye. Whether it be a job, a friend, a lover, a pet, or family member.  Between you and me, Goodbye’s are not easy.

So what does all of this mean at this point in my journey?  As far as I can tell it means that I have to be prepared for emotions that I thought I had already processed.  I will encounter situations that may bring up some old emotional memories and remind me of my scars.  I have to continue to seek advice from other’s who have been on this journey before me, listen to their kind words and learn from their experiences.  Between you and me, this is why I’m sharing with you now.

I hope that the thoughts, feelings and experiences on my survival will encourage other’s going through a similar circumstance to learn to grow from each emotion, memory, feeling and tear.  I am still learning and have a lot more ahead of me.  Within my chrysalis I am growing stronger and when it is time I will emerge the butterfly I am meant to be.  Between you and me, I will embrace it.

Do you have a similar story, can you offer any advice on how to embrace the goodbye?  Respond in the comments.


Courageous Butterfly


Related blogs/links

Here Comes Goodbye, Rascal Flatts

Saying Goodbye, Wonder Blogs

With Every Goodbye You Learn, Luna Starla’s Dreamy Stories

Marriage-Divorce-Annulment by Catholic Answers Live




Love Is…….

There are so many different ways to finish the thought Love Is…. and today I heard a song that really filled in those blanks for me.  This is probably one of the topics where I could sit and blog for hours on so many different points.  Tonight I just want to focus on how I felt when I heard some of the lyrics.   (You will find a link to the song at the bottom of this post.)

Sometimes love will make you cry.   Recently, my journey has brought on an unpleasant challenge.  Surprisingly  the first thing I struggled with was the fact that I still wanted to go to my ex for comfort.  Here I am after all of the time, heartache, disappointment, resentment, and pain still wanting to share important life changing moments with him.  I have had to share some instances with him that concerned the kids, but this time was different, because it concerned only me.  To tell you the truth I really didn’t know what I wanted or needed from him, it was just the fact that I was so used to sharing important things with him for so long. I was not ready to break that cycle; until now.  When I heard the lyrics “Sometimes love will make you cry” I knew that it is time to move past that urge of calling on him in a crisis.  This is something that I didn’t know still needed work and realizing it was step one. I will always carry some kind of love in my heart for the person I spent half of my life with.  Learning how to put that love behind me is step two.

Love will change your life.  This spoke to me on so many different levels.  There are so many forms of love that can change your life.  For instance the fact that I love my job!  I never thought I would end up where I am.  I am so grateful and blessed to have all of the people who were brought into my life because of it. Love won’t leave you empty.  The love from my church and Sister’s In Christ.  I cannot even begin to describe how my faith has blossomed because of the love I receive from all of those special people.  These instances all involved Love and they in fact have changed my life.

Love can heal you if you let it inside.  My absolute favorite lyric!   So many people are afraid to let love back in once they have gone through a heart-break.  I did not think it would be something that I would willingly do.  I say willing because it is definitely something that I wanted; but would I be able to let it happen?  Even letting in strong friendships was a scary thought for me because I also lost my best friend in the divorce.  Luckily, I did not struggle with my decision for very long.  I have begun to allow some of those feelings happen for me again.  It has been extremely healing for me.  Scary – yes!  but the amount of happiness that feeling like that again has brought into my life, far outweighs anything that is scary about it.

Remember, love’s not easy….but it’s worth it.  Worth it, as are most things in life that are not easy.  As survivors we have to love ourselves enough to allow those feelings back into our lives.  It will take confidence to be willing to allow it to happen.  Imagine the caterpillar in the chrysalis finally realizing that she/he is worth it; the chrysalis breaks and she/he is free to fly.  We can have that same experience and how beautiful it is!

Love can hear you, I know love will heal you….. Are you allowing Love back into your life?  Please share.


Courageous Butterfly