Out of the Chrysalis

Celebrating and embracing the transformation within


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The Fire Inside Me


runningTomorrow I run!  My first 5K of the season and third all time.  I’m no Forrest Gump but I will do my best.  The path is unknown I will have to look for the route markers and stay the course.  I will need to delve deep into my energy reserves, focus on my breathing, concentrate on my surroundings, and eventually cross the finish line.   If you close your  eyes and repeat the italicized text,  I promise you can apply that to any life experience.

Being emotional in public can be awkward but when I run no one really notices.  Could be the wind or the sun in my eyes.  So why do I cry when I run?  I asked myself that same question the first time my purple shoes hit the pavement.  I answered the question as I crossed the finish line.

   Accomplishment

Reaching a goal no matter how small can be food enough to fill your soul for a lifetime.  Nearly 8 years go I had a fire lit inside me and at the time I had no idea where it was going to take me.  I did not know that it was meant to prepare me for the struggle ahead.  I didn’t have a plotted route, or even a clue of what I was about to face.  Reflecting on it now, I am certain the opportunity that was placed in my hands and lit the fire, was the gift of strength.   Something I had not yet possessed.

I have two caterpillars in little cups beginning to shed into the chrysalis.  Every day I watch their activity and I don’t have to wonder what that struggle feels like, because the human struggle is the same.  The caterpillar does not know that The path is unknown and will have to look for the route markers and stay the course;  will need to delve deep into energy reserves, focus on breathing, concentrate on surroundings, and eventually cross the finish line into complete transformation.chrysalis-wide

After the struggle, accomplishment will become its focus.  The beauty it represents will be appreciated by many and its inner light will shine bright!

I won’t be completely transformed when I cross the finish line tomorrow.  I still have many more runs to complete, each one adding fuel to my fire.

Can you compare a struggle to that of a caterpillar?  Please share in comments.

Shine your light bright!

Courageous Butterfly

Kimberly

4/8/17

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A World I Can No Longer Play In


new-year-partyHere we are less than two days away from the new year.  I”m sure like me you are contemplating your resolutions, while looking back on 2013.  Some moments may be proud, other’s may make you look back and say “what?”, but none the less here we are embarking on another phase of our lives.  As usual I took a look back at my posts for 2013 and was stunned to see that exactly one year ago today I wrote a post titled Ready to Fly.  So why was I stunned?  Partly because I’m not sure I flew this year, in fact I know for sure that my wings have been grounded so to speak.  

During the year I posted about pain, panic, PTSD, being broken, finding peace, facing loneliness and accepting all of those things. So how in the world am I ready to fly with all of these issues going on?  and more so how could I think I was ready to fly a year ago?  These are questions I’ve been asking myself all day. Now, the year was not all that bad.  I was able to help many of my readers with my posts, and have made new friends because of them.  I was able to see a dear friend of mine reach some very important milestones in the healing process, I witnessed someone finding faith again, I made new relationships, and faced some defeats but also survived them. 

These are all good things, yet tonight I feel shaken and frustrated.   Did you ever just sit and stare at a snow globe as the snow is coming down and think how beautiful it would be to be stuck inside dancing in it?  I have many times, but lately as I picture my globe it is different.  I feel many hands shaking waiting for the snow to fall but I’m not dancing.  Instead,  I’m holding onto the sides just waiting for the movement to stop.  I’m frustrated, fearful, and saddened over some of the realizations I’ve had this past year.

As much as I want to believe that a year ago today I was ready to fly, that could not have been possible if you look at the healing I have had to go through over the past several months.  I will say I am very proud of what I have accomplished in both the healing and grieving process, however it seems that each new encounter or experience brings along another challenge.

This past year has brought way too many decisions, or maybe I have taken on too much at once.  I found myself drowning in decision making, and in the process failing.  I have had some relationship issues this past year, some pleasant, some not so much.  Some have said I’ve sabotaged relationships, other’s have stated I may not know how to love or questioned if I had ever really loved before.   I am quick to blame my past circumstances but that really is no excuse;  however a side effect of my past experience. 

Part_of_Your_World

I have often felt like I lost my voice somewhere.  I had lived under the control of another for so long that I don’t know how to find my own voice, but I know it is in there somewhere and I am determined to find it.

So, what do I do at this point?  I acknowledge the fact that I am still grieving, I’m still trying to figure out how to survive my divorce and be comfortable in my new life.  That will get easier in time once my surroundings stop changing.  I have had so many changes besides the divorce over the past three years, that it is no wonder there isn’t a blizzard in my snow globe of life, I need to take charge before an avalanche takes me out.

I am thankful and blessed for all the new friendships I’ve made and the people who have come into my life this past year and I would not change that for the world.  Actually, I wouldn’t change anything because If I have learned anything this year, it’s that they are right when they say change makes us stronger and I would not be who I am today if I had not gone through what I have. Getting to know this new person I’ve become is my next step.

Life after a loss or divorce becomes a world we are not equipped to handle, a world we can no longer play in.   I was searching for a song tonight, as it is a ritual of mine to listen as I write.  I searched the entire time I was planning my outline and could not find anything that was inspiring me.  Then out of nowhere while searching pictures I came upon Part of  Your World from the Little Mermaid.  That song as always touched me, but tonight it means even more to me than it ever has before.  I am living in a new world, just like Ariel.  Perseverance, faith, trust, and love will become the tools to carry me through.  I may not be ready to fly just yet, what matters most is that  I am free to fly.

Are you free to fly? do you feel ready?  If you have a similar story, please share.

Happy New Year,

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

12/30/13

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Part Of Your World, The Little Mermaid

God’s Flight, Why I’m Grateful

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