Tag: strength

Falling Into Place

Published on by Kimberly Novak5 Comments

Tough Decisions Ahead Road SignRemember that age-old question that we were all asked when upon high school graduation and even during some job interviews?  “Where do you see yourself in 5, 10, 20, 25…years?”  I totally answered mine wrong, if we were graded on that I would’ve flunked out!  Thank goodness those hopes and aspirations are not written in stone, therefore we can change them any time we want!  But when we are forced to change them, that’s when it get’s tricky.

At this point in my life I am supposed to be happily married enjoying the last of the teen years with my children, and getting ready to prepare for empty nest syndrome. I am clearly not where I planned to be!  During my divorce I often found myself in the “crystal ball” moment.  Saying things like ” if only I could see what was coming”.  I think we all feel that sometimes, if we could see the path ahead we may make our decisions differently.

Those of us that are divorced, or have lost someone near to us never imagined we would be where we are today and coping with it takes patience, perseverance, hope, faith, strength, and most of all courage.  There have been a lot of decisions I’ve had to make over the past two and a half years and not knowing if I was making them correctly was very stressful.  I had no idea how one decision would lead to another, and so on.

In the heat of the moment right on divorce day, I made a decision that has caused, stress, financial strain and fear; surprisingly lately happiness.   Had I been asked that same question again after the divorce I still would have gotten it wrong!  Survivors of loss most often fear change for the rest of their lives because the change we faced was so painful for us; the change that came from my decision was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do since the divorce.

Tonight a little light was shined on my path and I am now finally starting to see that even though I would never have thought this is where I would be, things are actually starting to fall into place.  Perhaps I am on the path that I am supposed to be on.  Ironically, I had been pathlightworking on a literal path just yesterday right in the place that I thought I’d never be.  Here I am and I’m a survivor!  I didn’t know it was happening but I have embraced this very difficult change, faced it head on and I am rocking it!   It is becoming clear that just because I thought I made the wrong decision, doesn’t make it wrong.  It may just mean that the purpose I thought it was supposed to fill in my life was not what I envisioned.

I am where I am today because that is right where I am meant to be, and I will have many more decisions in the future that are connected with this big one.

If there is one tip I can pass along on this subject, it is to trust yourself, even if you think you are making the wrong decision it may actually be the right one down the line.  And also realize that you never know who you are going to need in your life or how you are going to need them.  Keep those that love you close by you so that when you are in a low moment or are ready to celebrate the happy ones they will be there to share in them with you.

Tonight I can see that my initial decision was so  hard  for me to make because deep down I must have known that it would impact my life for a very long time.

Is there a decision you made during your struggle, that will be connected to the next?  Please share.

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

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A Fish Out Of Water

Published on by Kimberly Novak2 Comments

Stop the presses!!!  Hold the phone!!! Pause Please!!!

3309237-fish-and-fauna-under-waterDid you know that a fish has no idea it is in water?  That’s where it spends every moment of its life and it has no idea that it is moving in water.  It cannot see it, smell it, taste it, all it knows is that is the environment in which it lives and if it is taken from that, the breathing stops.  A setting that is sounding all too familiar for me.

I had a light bulb go off right above my head just a few moments ago and it was so bright I sat right down at my laptop and starting clicking away.  This may sound similar to some of you who have been dealing with loss and emotional pain.  I have been spending day after day for the past two years trying to overcome and cope with the loss I suffered.  I’ve been going about my day living in my new environment just like a little fish.  Imagine for a moment a gold-fish very accustomed to her cute little bowl and one day her world changes.  She is forced to move to unfamiliar territory with new fish and plastic plants.  She is frightened but because she is still in water, she is still breathing.  Being a shy fish she keeps to herself  as if she were still in her little bowl.  She goes about her days thinking she is ok because she is breathing, no one around her knows that inside her mind she is drowning in her own thoughts.  She makes the most of it but never seems to be able to get anywhere, her mind has taken over.  Day’s begin to blur into nights and before long she has lost herself.  She has adapted to her surroundings, her new life, but is she still living?  As long as she has her water she is, but remember….she doesn’t know she is in water!

I am going to become very brave here and admit that I may have been drowning.  I have been hiding within myself thinking it was what I was supposed to do.  I’m grieving, I’m healing but I am NOT living!  Now I didn’t lock myself up in my home and board up the window’s but I may as well have.  I was still breathing, so I just figured I was living.  On the surface it looked that way, I go to work flash a few smiles, play with the puppy and giggle a little, watch some tv, do a little reading.  What has changed?  I’m still going about my day to day activities.  But what would happen if someone took away my air? Just like the fish who doesn’t know she is in water, as we are grieving and healing, we can’t see if we are not living.live

I went out this afternoon and spent some time with a group of fabulous women and I was a little upset with myself at first because I was quiet, reserved, arguing with my mind.  “They all know your divorced”, “They can tell your single”, “Just don’t talk maybe no one will notice you are the only one in the room not wearing a ring”.  It took a good 30 minutes of listening to this crap from inside my head before I loosened up and finally freed mysef from my own mind!  I slammed the door shut, and didn’t listen to another word it had to say.  Instead I found myself in the moment.  Laughing at jokes, enjoying conversation, food, and even touch.  I let every sense live, breathe and take in what I had been missing out on for so long; for the first time in a long time I chose life over my thoughts.

Scary you ask?  Oh ya, but what was horrifying was knowing that I have been keeping myself locked up for so long when I didn’t have to.  The afternoon went very pleasantly, I left with a smile on my face and it was one that I haven’t seen in a very long time.  It motivated me and I have been a very different lady today.  I think I can finally look in the mirror at myself and say “you’re ok”.

I had shut myself off.  It’s as if on divorce day someone hit the off switch and I lost it along the way.  It took a simple little Sunday afternoon ladies lunch to find it and turn it on.  I want the light in me to never go out again, I like it bright and the brighter the better!

Ladies/Gent’s, let your lights continue to shine, do not turn yourself off and if you already have, seek out friends and loved ones to remind you of the light that is within you so that you too can turn it on again.

Do you have a similar story?  Please share.

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

7/21/13

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A Path To Contentment

Published on by Kimberly Novak6 Comments

waterfallcrisp A place you thought was your ending; your landing strip could possibly be your starting point; your ready–set–go!  How do you find contentment when your mind is full of doubt, fear, and concern that you are making the right choices.  I’ve been on a few bumpy and frightening paths but this one could be the most frustrating of them all.

With the last few years behind me I have a craving for contentment.  I long to have a day where I am completely relaxed and at ease with where I am, what I”m doing and where my future is heading.  I’ve been wondering lately if that is a possibility at this stage in the game.  Here I am in my 40’s trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up, getting settled in yet another new residence, and looking  for my soul mate, the person I am meant to walk the earth with.

There will always be little  reminders of what I had that will pop up and  never go away,  as each day passes they will be distant memories that will always be with me; they are  part of my soul and I would not trade them for the world.  They remind me of an early time when my life was being fulfilled with being a wife and mother, and it is that feeling that I am hoping I am on a path to find.  We don’t know what lies ahead and that keeps life awfully exciting.  As I sit here tonight I never dreamed this is where I would find myself, so full of doubt and fear and a need to feel fulfilled again.  Just when I think I may be on the correct path, a wind comes and tries to carry me in another direction.  Not knowing if I am supposed to follow it or if it is meant to carry me another way is terrifying.  I tend to immediately go the direction the wind is blowing me, but then I am hit with an uneasy feeling that I was not supposed to do that.

“Being content with your own decision-making is by far one of the most complicated virtues one can possess.”

The feeling of being at ease and genuine feelings of gladness seem like dimmed stars that I am trying to reach and make bright again.  I am walking a path toward them in hopes I will be able to reach up and illuminate them by filling my heart, mind and soul with peace.  It would be really nice if God gave us path markers so we knew that we were going the right way.  I guess when the feelings of fear and sadness creep in, it may be time to change directions.  However, what if we are supposed to conquer those feelings in order to be made stronger for the path that lies ahead?

I certainly can attest to the fact that going through trials makes you stronger and sometimes we are supposed to go through them.  I just hoped that my quest for contentment would be a little easier.    Some days are great and I’m excited to be able to start again, make new dreams, and go where the wind blows.  Other days there are only one set of footprints in the sand, because God is carrying me.  I know he is with me tonight as I write this in hopes of helping others, only a moment ago my son handed me a treasure he found in the attic of my new home….a pin of Our Mother Mary, with the words,  Child of Mary.  We are not alone!  We have our angels right along with us if not to guide us then to provide comfort along the way.

footprints

Somewhere on my path is a beautiful day with the stars as bright as can be, butterflies surrounding a crisp blue waterfall and I will take a moment to be still and know.  There will come a day when I am content with who I am and where I am,  until then I will be content in knowing that God has me right where he wants me and that Serenity awaits……..

 

How do you know when your content?  Please share in the comments.

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

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