Stop the presses!!! Hold the phone!!! Pause Please!!!
Did you know that a fish has no idea it is in water? That’s where it spends every moment of its life and it has no idea that it is moving in water. It cannot see it, smell it, taste it, all it knows is that is the environment in which it lives and if it is taken from that, the breathing stops. A setting that is sounding all too familiar for me.
I had a light bulb go off right above my head just a few moments ago and it was so bright I sat right down at my laptop and starting clicking away. This may sound similar to some of you who have been dealing with loss and emotional pain. I have been spending day after day for the past two years trying to overcome and cope with the loss I suffered. I’ve been going about my day living in my new environment just like a little fish. Imagine for a moment a gold-fish very accustomed to her cute little bowl and one day her world changes. She is forced to move to unfamiliar territory with new fish and plastic plants. She is frightened but because she is still in water, she is still breathing. Being a shy fish she keeps to herself as if she were still in her little bowl. She goes about her days thinking she is ok because she is breathing, no one around her knows that inside her mind she is drowning in her own thoughts. She makes the most of it but never seems to be able to get anywhere, her mind has taken over. Day’s begin to blur into nights and before long she has lost herself. She has adapted to her surroundings, her new life, but is she still living? As long as she has her water she is, but remember….she doesn’t know she is in water!
I am going to become very brave here and admit that I may have been drowning. I have been hiding within myself thinking it was what I was supposed to do. I’m grieving, I’m healing but I am NOT living! Now I didn’t lock myself up in my home and board up the window’s but I may as well have. I was still breathing, so I just figured I was living. On the surface it looked that way, I go to work flash a few smiles, play with the puppy and giggle a little, watch some tv, do a little reading. What has changed? I’m still going about my day to day activities. But what would happen if someone took away my air? Just like the fish who doesn’t know she is in water, as we are grieving and healing, we can’t see if we are not living.
I went out this afternoon and spent some time with a group of fabulous women and I was a little upset with myself at first because I was quiet, reserved, arguing with my mind. “They all know your divorced”, “They can tell your single”, “Just don’t talk maybe no one will notice you are the only one in the room not wearing a ring”. It took a good 30 minutes of listening to this crap from inside my head before I loosened up and finally freed mysef from my own mind! I slammed the door shut, and didn’t listen to another word it had to say. Instead I found myself in the moment. Laughing at jokes, enjoying conversation, food, and even touch. I let every sense live, breathe and take in what I had been missing out on for so long; for the first time in a long time I chose life over my thoughts.
Scary you ask? Oh ya, but what was horrifying was knowing that I have been keeping myself locked up for so long when I didn’t have to. The afternoon went very pleasantly, I left with a smile on my face and it was one that I haven’t seen in a very long time. It motivated me and I have been a very different lady today. I think I can finally look in the mirror at myself and say “you’re ok”.
I had shut myself off. It’s as if on divorce day someone hit the off switch and I lost it along the way. It took a simple little Sunday afternoon ladies lunch to find it and turn it on. I want the light in me to never go out again, I like it bright and the brighter the better!
Ladies/Gent’s, let your lights continue to shine, do not turn yourself off and if you already have, seek out friends and loved ones to remind you of the light that is within you so that you too can turn it on again.
Do you have a similar story? Please share.
Kimberly
Courageous Butterfly
7/21/13
Related links/blogs
Life Lessons From The Magic Patio, If It’s Dead Let It Go, Heather L Cox, art, craft, mindful living
Out of the Chrysalis 
Divorce didn’t bother me much, as I was the instigator – makes a huge difference. But my ‘big breakup’ did trouble me for a long time – I still have thoughts I’d rather not have. I know how it feels to be a little ashamed of where you are in life – still single, getting older, maybe alone for life now. Sometimes life feels like such a lot of fun and happiness – other times you just fall down a hole and feel quite bad about it all. Good company always helps. Bad company – like people you don’t like very much’s big parties – is awful!
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Dear butimbeautiful, any breakup is hard be it “big” or “small” and you should NEVER feel ashamed of where you are in life. Our experiences and circumstances all happen for a reason. We may not be able to see it or even concieve of what that reason could be, but if we continue and remain true to ourselves we will come out of it ok. I like to think that those thoughts that we would rather not have are little signals telling our brains that we need to let it go, let go of what is troubling about those thoughts and then we can move forward. The past is past, we can’t change it, we can’t even wish or dream that we had done things differently. What is important now is the future, try not to look back, everything you need to see is in the windshield not the rearview mirror.
Stay strong and blessings to you!
Kimberly
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