Tag: strength

Just Pull

Published on by Kimberly Novak8 Comments

pushHow many times have we tried to go through a door the wrong way?  And I’m speaking literally here.  When it happens we look around to make sure that no one has seen it happen.  Your walking with a purpose headed into your favorite store, your list in hand you approach the door and push, push, push.  Why isn’t the door opening?  It is then that directly in your line of vision, you see the rather large  sign that says PULL.  I’m three years post divorce and I feel like I have been living life pushing on doors that should have been pulled and pulling on doors that should have been pushed and I am getting nowhere.

I feel like things I am trying to accomplish in my new life are not going as I had planned.  God laughs at our plans I know, but these are things that I thought would have been easier for me to do as time passes on.  Deep down I know I am over my ex, but am I over the circumstances that led to our divorce?  I have been very focused on my healing for the last few years and I was confident that I was doing everything I needed to in order to get past everything and get on with my life.  Today I wonder if I ‘ll ever get there.

I’ve been pushing and pushing on a door that just won’t open, and that is the door that leads to my heart.  Unfortunately for me my last two therapists have moved on and today I was forced to let loose on my hair stylist.  I thought I was doing OK, since I recently committed to dating again, until my head was tilted back and into that bowl. It was like as she was rising my hair I was letting go of everything that has been cooped up in my heart.  I’ve  had my heart under lock and key since the divorce and I don’t know how to make it useful again.  I have visions of breathing into a paper bag as I”m trying to push my way through this blockage and let myself feel again.  pull

When you lose a family member it is a death that is extremely hard to recover from, but sometimes I think recovering from a divorce is worse.  You are mourning a death that you eventually want to put behind you so you can find someone new and begin again.  Putting behind you the emotion’s, the heart ache, the circumstances, the anger, the hurt and letting yourself go to let someone else in has got to be one of the hardest things I’ve ever tried to do.  Don’t get me wrong it is something I want to do and I am going to try.  My door of divorce was one that I pushed on for a very long time, it is time that I start pulling and letting doors open.

Every day of my healing is a learning experience and I recently learned that  I am still recovering and I am not over the circumstances of my divorce.  But instead of taking quick shallow breaths and breathing into the paper bag, I want to be able to take one nice cleansing breath and pull on that door and have it open with ease.

Have you been pushing on pull doors?  Please comment and share.

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

2/22/14

Related links:

Pushing on a pull door, For King And Country

Meditations on Love

Open Heart Open Book

An Open Heart

A World I Can No Longer Play In

Published on by Kimberly Novak5 Comments

new-year-partyHere we are less than two days away from the new year.  I”m sure like me you are contemplating your resolutions, while looking back on 2013.  Some moments may be proud, other’s may make you look back and say “what?”, but none the less here we are embarking on another phase of our lives.  As usual I took a look back at my posts for 2013 and was stunned to see that exactly one year ago today I wrote a post titled Ready to Fly.  So why was I stunned?  Partly because I’m not sure I flew this year, in fact I know for sure that my wings have been grounded so to speak.  

During the year I posted about pain, panic, PTSD, being broken, finding peace, facing loneliness and accepting all of those things. So how in the world am I ready to fly with all of these issues going on?  and more so how could I think I was ready to fly a year ago?  These are questions I’ve been asking myself all day. Now, the year was not all that bad.  I was able to help many of my readers with my posts, and have made new friends because of them.  I was able to see a dear friend of mine reach some very important milestones in the healing process, I witnessed someone finding faith again, I made new relationships, and faced some defeats but also survived them. 

These are all good things, yet tonight I feel shaken and frustrated.   Did you ever just sit and stare at a snow globe as the snow is coming down and think how beautiful it would be to be stuck inside dancing in it?  I have many times, but lately as I picture my globe it is different.  I feel many hands shaking waiting for the snow to fall but I’m not dancing.  Instead,  I’m holding onto the sides just waiting for the movement to stop.  I’m frustrated, fearful, and saddened over some of the realizations I’ve had this past year.

As much as I want to believe that a year ago today I was ready to fly, that could not have been possible if you look at the healing I have had to go through over the past several months.  I will say I am very proud of what I have accomplished in both the healing and grieving process, however it seems that each new encounter or experience brings along another challenge.

This past year has brought way too many decisions, or maybe I have taken on too much at once.  I found myself drowning in decision making, and in the process failing.  I have had some relationship issues this past year, some pleasant, some not so much.  Some have said I’ve sabotaged relationships, other’s have stated I may not know how to love or questioned if I had ever really loved before.   I am quick to blame my past circumstances but that really is no excuse;  however a side effect of my past experience. 

Part_of_Your_World

I have often felt like I lost my voice somewhere.  I had lived under the control of another for so long that I don’t know how to find my own voice, but I know it is in there somewhere and I am determined to find it.

So, what do I do at this point?  I acknowledge the fact that I am still grieving, I’m still trying to figure out how to survive my divorce and be comfortable in my new life.  That will get easier in time once my surroundings stop changing.  I have had so many changes besides the divorce over the past three years, that it is no wonder there isn’t a blizzard in my snow globe of life, I need to take charge before an avalanche takes me out.

I am thankful and blessed for all the new friendships I’ve made and the people who have come into my life this past year and I would not change that for the world.  Actually, I wouldn’t change anything because If I have learned anything this year, it’s that they are right when they say change makes us stronger and I would not be who I am today if I had not gone through what I have. Getting to know this new person I’ve become is my next step.

Life after a loss or divorce becomes a world we are not equipped to handle, a world we can no longer play in.   I was searching for a song tonight, as it is a ritual of mine to listen as I write.  I searched the entire time I was planning my outline and could not find anything that was inspiring me.  Then out of nowhere while searching pictures I came upon Part of  Your World from the Little Mermaid.  That song as always touched me, but tonight it means even more to me than it ever has before.  I am living in a new world, just like Ariel.  Perseverance, faith, trust, and love will become the tools to carry me through.  I may not be ready to fly just yet, what matters most is that  I am free to fly.

Are you free to fly? do you feel ready?  If you have a similar story, please share.

Happy New Year,

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

12/30/13

Related blogs/links

Part Of Your World, The Little Mermaid

God’s Flight, Why I’m Grateful

Angel Soaring, Random T’s

Looking Into The Windows

Published on by Kimberly Novak5 Comments

the windowIt was a simple task…just dropping off a backpack….never did I imagine a breakdown almost three years post divorce.  I thought that I had closed the door on my marriage and the divorce, and I was “over it”.  Guess not.  There I sat in my car looking at what used to be my house, my yard,  it wasn’t the first time I had been through this; yet it seemed that way.   My pulse started to race as I looked at the scenery.   I could picture myself looking out of the windows that I was now looking into.

The yard is no longer mine, the decorations are now put up by someone else.   I am so confused that all these emotions are happening after so long.   I had no idea what my mind was going through and I was NOT a happy camper.  The garage door was open and I was looking at a matched set of cars..how cute!  Still not a big deal.  I was just dropping off a bag.

He appeared and everything seemed different.  It has been probably six months if not more that I have seen him, there he stood in what used to be “our home”.  I didn’t know how to react.  He stood there for just a minute then……hit the button and the garage door came down; he closed the door.

I lost it, cried all the way home.  It was almost as if he did it on purpose.  Which I know is just silliness.  If I look to the spiritual side of myself I can  say that what he did was a signal for me to shut the door and stop trying to look through the windows where I had previously lived.  I know I”m not ready to look into them, and I know I have to stop trying to see out of them; they are no longer mine.

When I write my posts I look for a song to inspire me… tonight I googled “tears are healing” and found a song I never expected to find. I crumbled when I heard the fist verse….it was what I had lived… ” All those days watching from the window; all those years outside looking in; all that time never even knowing just how blind i’ve been”   Stings a bit, .but it also sings of hope….hope for the future, “all at once everything looks different”.

Have you looked into the windows of your past?  Please share.

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

10/21/13

Related Blogs/Links

I See The Light, Rapunzel