A place you thought was your ending; your landing strip could possibly be your starting point; your ready–set–go! How do you find contentment when your mind is full of doubt, fear, and concern that you are making the right choices. I’ve been on a few bumpy and frightening paths but this one could be the most frustrating of them all.
With the last few years behind me I have a craving for contentment. I long to have a day where I am completely relaxed and at ease with where I am, what I”m doing and where my future is heading. I’ve been wondering lately if that is a possibility at this stage in the game. Here I am in my 40’s trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up, getting settled in yet another new residence, and looking for my soul mate, the person I am meant to walk the earth with.
There will always be little reminders of what I had that will pop up and never go away, as each day passes they will be distant memories that will always be with me; they are part of my soul and I would not trade them for the world. They remind me of an early time when my life was being fulfilled with being a wife and mother, and it is that feeling that I am hoping I am on a path to find. We don’t know what lies ahead and that keeps life awfully exciting. As I sit here tonight I never dreamed this is where I would find myself, so full of doubt and fear and a need to feel fulfilled again. Just when I think I may be on the correct path, a wind comes and tries to carry me in another direction. Not knowing if I am supposed to follow it or if it is meant to carry me another way is terrifying. I tend to immediately go the direction the wind is blowing me, but then I am hit with an uneasy feeling that I was not supposed to do that.
“Being content with your own decision-making is by far one of the most complicated virtues one can possess.”
The feeling of being at ease and genuine feelings of gladness seem like dimmed stars that I am trying to reach and make bright again. I am walking a path toward them in hopes I will be able to reach up and illuminate them by filling my heart, mind and soul with peace. It would be really nice if God gave us path markers so we knew that we were going the right way. I guess when the feelings of fear and sadness creep in, it may be time to change directions. However, what if we are supposed to conquer those feelings in order to be made stronger for the path that lies ahead?
I certainly can attest to the fact that going through trials makes you stronger and sometimes we are supposed to go through them. I just hoped that my quest for contentment would be a little easier. Some days are great and I’m excited to be able to start again, make new dreams, and go where the wind blows. Other days there are only one set of footprints in the sand, because God is carrying me. I know he is with me tonight as I write this in hopes of helping others, only a moment ago my son handed me a treasure he found in the attic of my new home….a pin of Our Mother Mary, with the words, Child of Mary. We are not alone! We have our angels right along with us if not to guide us then to provide comfort along the way.
Somewhere on my path is a beautiful day with the stars as bright as can be, butterflies surrounding a crisp blue waterfall and I will take a moment to be still and know. There will come a day when I am content with who I am and where I am, until then I will be content in knowing that God has me right where he wants me and that Serenity awaits……..
How do you know when your content? Please share in the comments.
Living in the Tension of Uncertainty, Pay Attention
Just Give Me a Sec, Ramblings of Samantha