Tag: emotions

Road Trip!

Published on by Kimberly Novak1 Comment

road_tripsIt’s time for a road trip! I am now ready to look at life through the windshield, no longer looking in the rear view mirror, and this time I am traveling light!

No more carrying around unnecessary suitcases that were once filled with doubt, regret, failure, defeat, and pain.   I have one bag that will hold, love, laughter, joy, faith, hope, confidence, strength and determination.  Now, I know life is not going to be perfect and I will hit a few speed bumps along the way, and there is room in my bag for those events; however, they will only be passing by and not invited to stay.

Two years ago today I reluctantly began a new journey.  I was sad, confused, hurt, and defeated.  Anticipating how I may be feeling about it all, I did not sleep well last night.  I was afraid of waking up today and having those feelings back just because it was an anniversary.  I am PROUD to say that I survived and kept it a completely tear free day.  Instead of focusing on what I went through and why today was going to be so hard, I focused on what is ahead; yet to come; surprises that await me; new beginnings; fun; excitement; love; hope; and dreams.

I spent the day being thankful that I am where I am after the struggle I endured.  I’m thankful for the lesson’s I learned, and even thankful for the tears I cried.  It was within those tears that I was healing.  I’m thankful that I was given the chance to begin again, find out who I am and what I’m all about.  I still have my moments, fears, and also discovering some scars that were left behind, as I wrote about in my last post.  But I’m ok with that, it’s part of the healing and transformation that I am making.  Even though I’m still 4 ft 11″, I feel like I have grown through this experience.  Today I stand on my tip toes and embrace the new me!

Loss is horrible, but when you can see what you have learned from the process…it’s AMAZING!  The most important value I have learned so far is not to live in the past.  Keep your eyes forward.  Only you are behind the wheel of your life, you make the choice to keep moving forward, or to detour back to the past.  Maintaining a steady cruise seems like the best way to travel.  Speeding through can bring feelings of fear or doubt.  When this happens, take a deep breath, reflect and make sure it’s the path you want to be on.broken-road

My windshield is looking pretty awesome right now.   The road I’ve been traveling on has led me to some pretty fantastic places, and brought wonderful people into my life.  It’s not all going to be sunny skies, there will be days when I’m driving through a storm but now I know I will make it through.  My broken road has been replaced, the top is down, the wind is blowing through my hair and I am on my way to a new beginning!

Do you feel your on the path toward healing?  Please share in the comments section below.

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

12/9/12

Related Links/Blogs

Broken Road, Rascal Flatts

Vision Keeper – Moving Forward

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Moving Forward!

 

Finding Battle Scars

Published on by Kimberly Novak6 Comments

every-scarLet’s start with the definition of  SCAR: a  mark left by a healed wound; a lasting after effect of trouble;  a lingering sign of damage or injury.

Today I spent approximately 30 minutes with a total stranger, who in a subtle way, pointed out that I have some pretty serious battle scars.  I did not share any details of my divorce, only that I had gone through on.   With  the perception or stigma of a “divorce” the conclusion was reached that I have changed the way I deal with certain situations.

I’ve been dealing with some health issues for almost a year now and was seeking another opinion.  I was described very politely as being pragmatic and not accepting of the fact that I’ve been left without a diagnosis.   The phrase used was “you do not want to be left in limbo”.  I had to let that simmer for most of the afternoon but when I really started to think about it, I realized it is the truth.

I survived something pretty horrible and my wounds have healed, but as a wound heals sometimes a scar is left.  Depending on the severity of the wound some scars will be very visible and other’ s may be hard to find.  Obviously this particular scar was pretty evident I just needed someone to point it out.

At this point in my healing, I can relate most to my scar as the after effect of trouble.  There were a lot of  pretty big unknowns during the course of my divorce and it took almost two years before I had an answer to any of them.  It was just as described today, living in limbo; that is a pretty deep scar.

Now that I am in control of what is happening in my life, I cannot find comfort in the fact that there have been no answers in relation to my health concerns.  At first I thought it was a polite way of telling me I’m being impatient and I need to just chill out and let them do their job.  Then I took some time to reflect on it and it makes a lot of sense.

It’s almost like a post traumatic stress symptom.  During my battle I had little control over what was happening and never knew which way things were going to turn.  That was a very long period of time to spend in limbo and now unbeknownst to me, I’ve found myself there again.  Lucky for me this situation is very different because the people I’m working with are working for me, instead of against me.  I am confident that because we are working together we will resolve these issues and I will continue to move forward.

free to flyAs I am still getting to know the new woman I’ve become, I am learning to be grateful for the little lessons along the way.  Now I know what persistence means to me.  It means that I am refusing to be left in limbo and I am hoping it becomes a good trait to have.  As long as I am persistent in the right things and go about it in the right way I think I’ll do alright.  I like to think I’m in pretty good shape for the shape I”m in.  I may have scars but just because I had been broken, does not mean I cannot fly.

Have you found any battle scars?  Please share in the comment section.

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

11/30/12

 

 

Watering the Soul

Published on by Kimberly Novak4 Comments

I have recently discovered that it may be time to “water my soul”.  In many of my earlier posts I talked a lot about ways to deal with emotions that come from surviving a loss.  I’m referring to ALL of the emotions, good and bad.  With the recent loss of our family dog I have discovered that there are some emotional left over’s that need to be dealt with.  I tried writing my thoughts, talking with friends, and though those were good outlets, I just was not getting what I needed to do a full on emotional purge.  So….I bit the bullet…..and found myself in a counselor’s office.

 The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.  ~John Vance Cheney

One will never really know when they are fully recovered and some may never be.  It took the opening of a new wound to see that I still have some  that need healing.  Some may think that if they are not obsessing over their loss, then the wounds are gone, that is not necessarily true.  The wounds will always be a part of us, and there are some circumstances that may cause them to resurface, like another loss.

 Tears are the safety valve of the heart when too much pressure is laid on it.  ~Albert Smith

When I made the decision I wasn’t sure how this was going to go.   I didn’t know if I really wanted to take myself back to the beginning of what I went through.   As I dialed the phone number my hands were shaking and I was already fearing that this appointment would require giving the counselor a full report of the past two years.  I was very vague on the phone and at first I was asking stupid questions like “how many counselors are in your group?”, and “do you have hours on the weekends?”.  I was stalling and it took a 20 minute phone call before I finally scheduled the time.

Five days later, I ventured out for what I thought would be a horrible experience.  I sat in the car for a few minutes thinking about why I had made the appointment, yes it was primarily because of the loss of my dog, but I felt there may be more than that.  Maybe I still needed to heal some old wounds.  I wanted to doubt myself and run.  Instead, I squashed those feelings and gave credit for realizing that this was something I definitely needed and it was going to be something I could benefit from.

I watered, and watered  my soul with tears like there was no tomorrow!  I am not afraid to say that I am still a little broken but who isn’t?  It takes courage to admit and face it and I am so glad I have. Suffering loss be it a spouse, parent,  pet, or friend will leave a permanent scar.  It does not matter how many seconds, minutes, hours, days or years pass, the wound will be there.  In order for us to heal those scars our job is to be able to recognize when it is time to add a little more water to the soul.  Tears are healing, with each drop we add a little more antiseptic to pain.  

   Tears are God’s gift to us.  Our holy water.  They heal us as they flow.

                                  ~Rita Schiano, Sweet Bitter Love, 1997,  published by The Reed Edwards Company

Feeling the way I did when I left that appointment, I have no fears about re visiting  those old painful issues.  I will again come out a survivor.  I lived it, it is part of me and I recognize that I need to use what I went through as a tool to discovering who I am and what I am meant to be.  I know that when I do, I am furthering the healing process which will ultimately lead to my happiness.

I fully encourage anyone who feels a struggle with loss to sit and talk and let the tears water the soul.  The soul is our core, it is how we feel, think, act and react.  It is important that we keep that area healthy if we are to achieve greatness and be truly happy in our lives.

 Every tear should live its purpose.  Don’t ever wipe the reason away.  ~Jessica Simpson (2009 tweet)

How have you found comfort with talking about old wounds in the hopes of continuing on your healing journey?  Please share in the comments section.

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

10/21/12

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