Tag: broken

Hello I, it’s nice to meet Me

Published on by Kimberly Novak5 Comments

Confused?  Don’t worry.  If it sounds like I am introducing myself to yours truly then you are reading it correctly.  Recently I have been forced into an unwelcome situation…having more time to spend alone than with others.  Have you ever prepared to meet someone new and you felt nervous and anxious?  Would it be strange if I told you that’s how I felt this past weekend when I re-met me?

I thought that my journey to re-discover myself had begun pretty quickly after the divorce. I found a job that makes me happy.  I have made new friends, bonded ties with family, and started making plans for the future.  As far as  I knew I was on the road to becoming the new me.   I had no idea that it would take the passing of our family dog to realize I had not yet begun that stage in recovery and healing.

Over the past couple of weeks I’ve noticed that I still have a lot of learning to do when it comes to knowing who I am.   I”m still not comfortable in my own skin so to speak.  I have and always will be someone who thrives being around other’s.  I have never had to learn how to just be with me, until now.

I’ve mentioned the stages a butterfly goes through in previous posts, and perhaps the most important is near the end of the time in the chrysalis.  Imagine for a moment that you are the caterpillar and you feel the changes happening not only to your body but to your soul.  I actually tried this and I was filled at first with sadness.  When I reached the end of the imagery the emotions had over taken me,  but I felt excited and happy to know that I can be OK coming out of the cocoon alone.  If I continue to grow my soul I can be completely healed and renewed.

     Close your eyes, take a slow deep breath, exhale, and reach your arms around your body as if giving yourself a hug and hold tightly.  You are  now in your cocoon.  It’s dark, lonely, and you have no idea how long you will be inside.  The cocoon is small and there is only room enough for you.  Your first feeling is fear because your life as a caterpillar was lived with many others, and this is the first time you’ve truly been alone.   Take another slow deep breath, and as you exhale, the hold the chrysalis has on you begins to lessen.  You spend your days alone with your thoughts, no other sounds, it’s just  you.  This continues for some time and each day get’s a little easier.  You are getting to know yourself.  You have finally taken time to soul search, to think about your hopes, dreams and ambitions, and for the first time YOU are in control of those things.  When you realize this you take another deep breath, with the exhale, you feel the chrysalis lessen even more.  During this time you notice the changes being made.  You are getting more comfortable with the new form that is emerging within yourself.  Feelings of happiness overtake you because you know that if you continue to grow not only on the outside, but within yourself, soon you will be set free to fly.  

The past couple of years have been painful to get through, but for some reason the last two weeks have felt just as painful.  A loss is a loss no matter if it’s a spouse, parent, lover,  friend, or pet.  It took another loss in my life to kind of give me a wake up call.  I’ve never taken the time to sit with myself and say “Hello”.  When my divorce was final I jumped into life with both feet.  The water was deep and I kept on treading.  I now realize that it’s time to head for shallow waters, breathe and relax.

Just like the caterpillar, I still have growing to do and I’m thankful that I know it.  I have so much more to learn about myself and I am looking forward to the discovery.  A little nervous to finally get to know the person I have grown into, but excited to see what the future holds for me, myself and I.

I’d love to know your thought’s if you try the guided imagery I have created.  Share your experience in the comments section below.

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

10/8/12

Related media:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U_eBRwn8G40

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SroSvgN_q_8

Related blogs:

The Eyes Behind The Mask

The Butterfly’s Lesson

Unfortunate Events

Published on by Kimberly Novak3 Comments

Anyone remember the book series?  A series of unfortunate events.  It was a very popular book series when my boys were younger.  My oldest read them on his own then I read them with the younger two.  We all really enjoyed the series until the movie came out.  Sadly, it was not as good as the books and we were all very disappointed.   Sorry Jim Carey.   Each book focused on an unfortunate event that led to a bigger one and then a bigger one and on an on.  Eventually it got to a point where an important decision had to be made.

What exactly is an event?  The dictionary says it is a significant occurrence or happening.  Which means that most of what we go through in life is an event.  Even the little things are significant in our lives.  So what happens when we have a series of negative or unfortunate events?

I’ve had my fair share of big, medium, small, extra-large, extra small, and double extra-large size unfortunate events unfold over the past few years.  I’ve struggled through them with friends, counseling and making changes in my life.  I’ve been moving in a positive direction with my job, friends, and even dating.  Things were going so well until………..Another unfortunate event.

I fell……fell how?  Lost my balance and hit the pavement.  People fall all the time, why is this a significant event in my life?  It’s forced me to ask myself why the fall?  why now?  Why in the midst of my happiness am I being forced to STOP, REST, and THINK?

Anyone see the movie City of Angels?    The angel falls so that he can be human and enjoy all of the senses we do.  He falls so he can smell, taste,  touch, and be able to love.  What a silly angel!  He quickly learns just how painful life can be when we are able to use all of those senses.

During the series of my unfortunate events I’m sure I’ve missed out on a few things.  I have let my emotions get the best of me sometimes and didn’t allow myself to fully enjoy my surroundings.  Even with the divorce aside my life has still been stressful. Trying to adjust to my new lifestyle, living away from the kids, the new job (s), and learning how to be close to someone again.  I’ve adapted to it all but have I really let it all sink in?

If I were to analyze this past week, I’d say my fall is a really good reason to stop and smell the roses.  I need to take a minute and a big deep breath to see if I am where I really need to be.  Now that I’m past the divorce, and somewhat comfortable in my surroundings, it’s time to reflect on the decisions I’ve made.  I no longer have to make any decisions based on what I’m going through.  That is all behind me and I need to focus on the future.    First step is to determine if the fall is in any way related to my other health concerns.  Secondly is to embrace the resting time to really reflect on where I am heading and what makes me happy.

So, was the angel really silly to fall?  I’d say no!  Even though I’ve been through hell and back and have fallen yet again it has made me realize that I was missing out on some of those senses.  I need to close my eyes and really taste the pear, smell the oranges, and feel the fruit in my mouth.  (if you saw the movie you will get that, if not rent the movie!)

I guess the point I”m trying to make is that when you fall no matter what the circumstances are, take the time to really figure out what you are supposed to be doing during your down time.  There is a reason we fall be it just in a slump for a while, fall in love, fall out of love, or literally hit the pavement.  It is a moment in time that will lead to our next event.

I have two to three weeks to embrace my fall and reflect on where I am and why.  I cannot wait to see where I am headed!  I’d love to hear your experiences on how a fall or unfortunate event changed something in your life. Comment below.

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

8/30/12

 

Garage Sale

Published on by Kimberly Novak3 Comments

Your probably thinking that is an odd title for a blog that talks about emotions, so let me explain.  I spent some time driving through towns this weekend while visiting family, grad parties, seeing friends and church this morning.  It seemed that on almost every other block was a sign for a garage sale.  Lawns were sprinkled with so much stuff.  Just from my driving by I could see items ranging from televisions, exercise equipment, clothes, and toys.  I had the same reaction every time I passed by a sign or a sale.  I thought “they just put their stuff out there for people to see and hopefully take away”.  It only took passing about 20 signs before I finally go it!  Still sound like a silly title for a blog?  I don’t think so.

Let’s start with why people have garage sales.  They have accumulated too much stuff; cleaning house; outgrown certain items; items are no longer needed; those things are no longer necessary to make them happy.  See where this is going now?  What would our lawns look like if we had a garage sale for our emotions?  I’m not sure I have a big enough lawn!  I think I would start off with different colored blankets to separate things out.  At this point in my journey I would need about four sections.  The first would be for all of those emotions that caused me to be unsure about my choices and decisions during my divorce.  Next, I’d fill one up with any regrets or fears that I have carried with me through the process.  One for feelings of doubt and insecurity.  Lastly, pain and suffering.

I know that all sounds pretty scary.  Putting yourself out in the open like that.  Think about it though, you can really tell a lot about a person by what they are selling at their garage sale.  We’ve all done it.  Just walking around and looking at the stuff on their lawns tells a lot about that person.  Most of us have had a sale in the past.  Think back and remember how good you felt when you were able to get rid of those things that you no longer needed.  There are many benefits.  Our homes are clutter free and our closets have room for something new.  All of that brings us to a level of happiness, especially the extra cash in the pocket perk.  Our heart is the home for our emotions.  It too needs a good cleaning in order to move forward freely.  

So, if we are not afraid to literally air our old belongings on our lawns and actually sell them to people, why are we afraid to let other’s see our emotions?  Here’s a funny little story. When I first started my divorce I began seeing a counselor.  I sat across from him, arms crossed and did everything in my power NOT to let him in.  There was no way I was going to let him make me cry!  I was afraid for some reason to let him see my true emotions, yet I still wanted his help.  When we are in despair, we tend to close ourselves down.  It makes us feel like we are in control, when in reality we are not.

I’ve had to deal with something this past week and it has made me realize that I need to let the non-important things go. It has also reminded me of how easy it is to shut your emotions down.  I’m dealing with something potentially serious and I have not really taken the time to let it sink in, emotionally.  I decided it was because I didn’t have room left to deal with this new emotion.  It is time to let some of the old emotions go.

Now here’s the real difference between the garage sale and emotion sale.  We don’t really want other’s to come and purchase the crap we are letting go of emotionally.  But we can have a sale in our minds.  If you are a visual person then get some construction paper and write out the feelings and emotions you are putting on your lawn.  Make the decision to spring clean your feelings.  Figure out which ones you are done with and let them go.

I put mine on my lawn this afternoon.  I no longer need to worry about them anymore so I can focus on the now.  I may have a bumpy road ahead and I need to give it my full attention.  Even if I didn’t have this new event in my life, being free of those emotions will make more room for all of the new experiences that are yet to come.

Now it’s your turn.  Take some inventory of your emotions and let go of those that you no longer need, so that you have room for the newer happier moments.

I invite you to share how you have moved past a difficult emotion.  Respond in the comments.

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

7/1/12