Confused? Don’t worry. If it sounds like I am introducing myself to yours truly then you are reading it correctly. Recently I have been forced into an unwelcome situation…having more time to spend alone than with others. Have you ever prepared to meet someone new and you felt nervous and anxious? Would it be strange if I told you that’s how I felt this past weekend when I re-met me?
I thought that my journey to re-discover myself had begun pretty quickly after the divorce. I found a job that makes me happy. I have made new friends, bonded ties with family, and started making plans for the future. As far as I knew I was on the road to becoming the new me. I had no idea that it would take the passing of our family dog to realize I had not yet begun that stage in recovery and healing.
Over the past couple of weeks I’ve noticed that I still have a lot of learning to do when it comes to knowing who I am. I”m still not comfortable in my own skin so to speak. I have and always will be someone who thrives being around other’s. I have never had to learn how to just be with me, until now.
I’ve mentioned the stages a butterfly goes through in previous posts, and perhaps the most important is near the end of the time in the chrysalis. Imagine for a moment that you are the caterpillar and you feel the changes happening not only to your body but to your soul. I actually tried this and I was filled at first with sadness. When I reached the end of the imagery the emotions had over taken me, but I felt excited and happy to know that I can be OK coming out of the cocoon alone. If I continue to grow my soul I can be completely healed and renewed.
Close your eyes, take a slow deep breath, exhale, and reach your arms around your body as if giving yourself a hug and hold tightly. You are now in your cocoon. It’s dark, lonely, and you have no idea how long you will be inside. The cocoon is small and there is only room enough for you. Your first feeling is fear because your life as a caterpillar was lived with many others, and this is the first time you’ve truly been alone. Take another slow deep breath, and as you exhale, the hold the chrysalis has on you begins to lessen. You spend your days alone with your thoughts, no other sounds, it’s just you. This continues for some time and each day get’s a little easier. You are getting to know yourself. You have finally taken time to soul search, to think about your hopes, dreams and ambitions, and for the first time YOU are in control of those things. When you realize this you take another deep breath, with the exhale, you feel the chrysalis lessen even more. During this time you notice the changes being made. You are getting more comfortable with the new form that is emerging within yourself. Feelings of happiness overtake you because you know that if you continue to grow not only on the outside, but within yourself, soon you will be set free to fly.
The past couple of years have been painful to get through, but for some reason the last two weeks have felt just as painful. A loss is a loss no matter if it’s a spouse, parent, lover, friend, or pet. It took another loss in my life to kind of give me a wake up call. I’ve never taken the time to sit with myself and say “Hello”. When my divorce was final I jumped into life with both feet. The water was deep and I kept on treading. I now realize that it’s time to head for shallow waters, breathe and relax.
Just like the caterpillar, I still have growing to do and I’m thankful that I know it. I have so much more to learn about myself and I am looking forward to the discovery. A little nervous to finally get to know the person I have grown into, but excited to see what the future holds for me, myself and I.
I’d love to know your thought’s if you try the guided imagery I have created. Share your experience in the comments section below.