pain – Page 3 – Out of the Chrysalis

Dumpster Diving

Published on January 31, 2016February 1, 2016 by Kimberly Novak2 Comments

dumpster diving Leaving my marital home was difficult for me. Having to say goodbye to the good memories that lived under the roof and moving forward to forget the bad. In order to avoid awkwardness, I planned it so that I was the only one home when the movers arrived. I like to think that I maintained composure in front of the three strangers that stood before me. But the way I was feeling inside was not composed at all.

It’s been 5 years so why am I looking back on that blip in time? When I left that day I was sure that I was good with saying goodbye to the house, but recently I noticed a very large dumpster in the driveway, at that time it wasn’t really full but when I saw it something in my body changed. I felt nervous, anxious, sad, and fearful.

As I drove away I decided just to let it go and I was good with that until the next week when I arrived again and the dumpster was overflowing with objects. It was all I could do to sit in the car and not leap out to see if I had left anything behind that may be in that rusty, dirty box. I found myself thinking…my marriage is in that dumpster.

I know that may sound completely crazy because my marriage ended 5 years ago, and I was good about making sure I had all I wanted when I left. So why then did this affect me so much?

Maybe it’s not about the items, I think it’s more than that. I dove deep down into my thoughts, taking inventory of exactly how I was feeling. I noted how my heart rate soared, my hands got clammy, and I needed to fight the urge to jump in. Then it came to me, the trash I saw in the dumpster is just symbolism for the memories that were being held in that space, and to think that they have been removed is what is upsetting.

Are those moments gone forever? Stains on carpets that tell a funny story or holes in the wall that will bring back a laugh. I know the memories of those things will never leave me, even though the little story tellers are gone. I guess I assumed they would be housed there always.

I’m kind of glad that all of this affected me in the way that it has because it really makes one take stock of your surroundings. Treasure what is important to you even if it is a strip of wallpaper that you save and frame because when you look at it you are reminded of happy times.

I’m creating newness in my current space and will remember to hang on to those little things that help hold those memories close to me.

Have you had a rough time leaving behind memories? Please share.

Courageous Butterfly 1/31/16

Kimberly

Number 5….

Published on December 6, 2015 by Kimberly Novak2 Comments

This week will mark the five year anniversary of my divorce. Needless to say my emotions are all over the place. December is a tough month, we would have been married 25 years and then toss in Christmas. Divorced and married in the same month does not bode well in the healing process.

Today I decided to look into that magical number five. At this point I feel like it should all be water under the bridge but for me this number year seems to be the hardest, and I need to know why.

In our society we like to celebrate things by year, birthdays, anniversaries, jobs, etc and for some reason we make the 5 or 10 year moments mean more than the rest. 20, 25, 30 to 50 are celebrated benchmarks.

Being on the cusp of my five year divorce anniversary is not fun, and I’m not quite sure how I want to handle it. Why is this year different from any other year? Why does it seem to stand out more? Will I go through this every five years? and what is with the number 5? So I googled it:

The number 5 symbolizes God’s grace, goodness and favor toward humans and is mentioned 318 times in Scripture. Five is the number of grace, and multiplied by itself, which is 25, is ‘grace upon grace’ (John 1:16). The Ten Commandments contains two sets of 5 commandments. The first five commandments are related to our treatment and relationship with God, and the last five concern our relationship with others humans.

Five is the number of balance.

Five symbolizes man, health and love.

Marriage

It combines the female number two with the male number three. Five is the number of marriage.

SO, are my feelings warranted? Heck Yes! 5 is God’s grace and also the number of marriage. I’m living in God’s grace but also grieving the number 5.

If you can shed light on this magical number please respond.

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

The….TICK…TICK…TICK……of the Clock.

Published on February 15, 2015 by Kimberly Novak3 Comments

NO! That is not my biological clock ticking, it is the constant pounding sound of the love clock which is buried deep within me somewhere. Sometimes it is extremely loud and other times I can’t even hear it, but I know it is there, I’m just not so sure if I should be watching it or just let time run its course.

TICK….TICK….TICK…annoying isn’t it?

I am CERTAINLY not an expert on relationships and I hope that I never will be, life without that mystery would be really boring! I watched a movie last night called the Timer, and it really got me thinking….sometimes good, sometimes not so good….but I decided to keep that thinking going and after a while it kind of made some sense. My last post talked about finding our soul mate, is it possible? Perhaps….Can we be patient? Most of us would say no…we want to know right now if we have found that ONE.

The timer in the movie is a clock that was implanted in the arms of someone over the age of 14. They all started with a zeroed out clock, at some point the clock starts working and gives you a count down of when you will meet your soul mate. When two souls that are meant for each other meet, their clocks simultaneously zero out again, Most people succumb to the pressure of needing that clock, constantly watching it to see when and where they will meet the love of their lives, while other’s protest it and only look for those who are timer-less. Some even go as far as having it removed because they can’t handle the fact it has been zero for so long and they are sure they don’t have a soul mate out there.

At first I found the movie a bit off the wall, but it started to feel so real to me after a while. There was a period of time when the lead thought she had found her soul mate in a timer-free man even though he had not started the count down on hers, but it didn’t stop her from just living in the moment all the while thinking she was falling in love with him.

She thought she was happy and went to have her timer removed believing she had met her soul mate and that the timers were a farce. Just as they were reaching out for her arm to do the removal her clock started counting down. Now she was faced with a choice…..ignore it and stay happy with whom she had found, or have faith in the clock and wait it out for her ONE to find her. THAT was the moment it all became real for me!

So many people go through there lives knowing that they have their one and only, I was pretty sure I had in my ex, but then there are those who continue to wander aimlessly looking, hoping, praying, and unfortunately settling. Not to say that settling is all that bad, as I learned in the movie she was pretty darn happy with the timer-less love, but her soul wasn’t, and the sound of that inner clock beating on her heart was a constant reminder that she needed to wait out her clock.

Happy ending of course, as the two soul mates came together their eyes locked and both timer’s zeroed out, however it was a movie. So can this really happen, not having timer’s shoved into our arms, but can we really meet the one whom we are destined to be with and when we do will we KNOW we have found them?

I am feeling mighty faithful this morning and I am more than ready to go ahead and keep listening to my inner timer even though at times that clicking sound may seem like nails on a chalkboard, it will stop someday and then I’LL know. My fuse is lit and I will not douse it on my own, I will wait when the time is right it will put itself out.

Do not give up my fellow singles, that someone is out there listening to their clock and when the time is right you will both zero out together.

Can you hear your clock? Will you have the patience to wait for the real deal? I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

2/15/15

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