Leaving my marital home was difficult for me. Having to say goodbye to the good memories that lived under the roof and moving forward to forget the bad. In order to avoid awkwardness, I planned it so that I was the only one home when the movers arrived. I like to think that I maintained composure in front of the three strangers that stood before me. But the way I was feeling inside was not composed at all.
It’s been 5 years so why am I looking back on that blip in time? When I left that day I was sure that I was good with saying goodbye to the house, but recently I noticed a very large dumpster in the driveway, at that time it wasn’t really full but when I saw it something in my body changed. I felt nervous, anxious, sad, and fearful.
As I drove away I decided just to let it go and I was good with that until the next week when I arrived again and the dumpster was overflowing with objects. It was all I could do to sit in the car and not leap out to see if I had left anything behind that may be in that rusty, dirty box. I found myself thinking…my marriage is in that dumpster.
I know that may sound completely crazy because my marriage ended 5 years ago, and I was good about making sure I had all I wanted when I left. So why then did this affect me so much?
Maybe it’s not about the items, I think it’s more than that. I dove deep down into my thoughts, taking inventory of exactly how I was feeling. I noted how my heart rate soared, my hands got clammy, and I needed to fight the urge to jump in. Then it came to me, the trash I saw in the dumpster is just symbolism for the memories that were being held in that space, and to think that they have been removed is what is upsetting.
Are those moments gone forever? Stains on carpets that tell a funny story or holes in the wall that will bring back a laugh. I know the memories of those things will never leave me, even though the little story tellers are gone. I guess I assumed they would be housed there always.
I’m kind of glad that all of this affected me in the way that it has because it really makes one take stock of your surroundings. Treasure what is important to you even if it is a strip of wallpaper that you save and frame because when you look at it you are reminded of happy times.
I’m creating newness in my current space and will remember to hang on to those little things that help hold those memories close to me.
Have you had a rough time leaving behind memories? Please share.
Courageous Butterfly 1/31/16