moving forward – Page 14 – Out of the Chrysalis

Will YOU be YOUR Valentine?

Published on February 9, 2014 by Kimberly Novak6 Comments

Kiss Me – Hug Me – Be Mine – These are probably the most popular Valentine phrases that we have been forced to look at since Christmas ended. I took a look back at my posts, and I am honestly surprised that I have not yet talked about the holiday that singles dread the most…..Valentines Day. The only logical explanation I can come up with is that I was not ready to even think about going on a date for that particular holiday. So why now?

I still don’t think I am “ready” but it is something that has been weighing on my mind recently. I even went so far as to arrange a date! Yep a real Valentines Day date….then I cancelled it. What in the world am I afraid of? That is the question of the year and unfortunately I do not have that answer. Here I was with someone who actually wanted to go on a date with me on that special day, even though I kept saying that it was not “technically” going to be a date…just friends who happen to be going out on the most romantic night of the year, my inner self knew it was a date and that is what scared me.

Since the divorce I cannot look at a happy couple without first getting jealous, then getting angry. Why can’t I be happy for them? This year I have no one to blame but myself. I let my inner fears get the best of me.

Last year however, I was a very brave soul and took myself out and it turned out to be the most amazing date of my new life! I started out by going shopping the week before and bought an entire new outfit. Were talking a shirt, skirt, high-heeled boots, jewelry, purse..the whole deal, just as if I were going on a date with an actual person. I was going to attend a concert alone on that special night and I never felt more ready. Until I got in the car and headed out.

I almost turned around and went home. I was panicked! I was going to a romantic concert alone on Valentine’s Day! There would be couples surrounding me everywhere I turned, have I gone mad? Sure enough when I walked in, the pink, red and white heart-shaped balloons made me want to throw up and they were everywhere, tied to every chair, hanging from the ceiling, and surrounding each doorway. I was in romance hell. But I was there and since I did not want to waste all the money I had spent, I decided to suck it up and at least try to enjoy myself. I chose a table near the stage so that I could concentrate on why I was there in the first place, to sit and enjoy the music. That night ended up being so much fun! I met a lovely couple who took me under their wing for the entire evening and they were even trying to play match maker half way through the night. I was surviving not being a couple on a night when usually only couples go out. Most importantly, I was having FUN being there with myself. I have to say I really know how to woo me. I had dinner, I was dancing in the isle, I was singing out loud and I was smiling, not just a little smile…. the biggest!

After that night ended I remember going home and calling mom, I couldn’t wait to fill her in on how perfect the night was and I had made a comment to her I”ll never forget “this Valentine’s night is going to be very hard to top”. I had done it, I did everything I wanted and I had survived.

So what is wrong with me this year? I guess I thought I needed to have a date because that is just what normal people do, so I went ahead and scheduled one. I’m still not sure why I couldn’t keep it, something in me is saying I”m not quite ready for that yet. Of course I want to have a partner some day, and I want to be able to go out on romantic dates with someone special. I just don’t think this year is my time. smile

Unfortunately I”m getting a late start on planning a date for myself and by myself at this point, but there is still time. I have this entire week to plan something. What would you like to do for yourself on this romantic day? Some fun suggestions may be, a concert, a movie, dinner out at your favorite place, somewhere you always wanted to go. Or even something as simple as buying yourself flowers, and candy. Get up, get out, get dressed in your best and woo yourself better than you’ve ever been wooed before. I don’t know if I will be able to top last year but I sure am going to try. It’s important at this stage in the game to be able to go out and have fun by yourself, before you’ll be comfortable letting someone else in on the fun.

Have you wooed yourself? Please share in the comment’s.

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

2/9/14

A World I Can No Longer Play In

Published on December 30, 2013 by Kimberly Novak5 Comments

new-year-party Here we are less than two days away from the new year. I”m sure like me you are contemplating your resolutions, while looking back on 2013. Some moments may be proud, other’s may make you look back and say “what?”, but none the less here we are embarking on another phase of our lives. As usual I took a look back at my posts for 2013 and was stunned to see that exactly one year ago today I wrote a post titled Ready to Fly. So why was I stunned? Partly because I’m not sure I flew this year, in fact I know for sure that my wings have been grounded so to speak.

During the year I posted about pain, panic, PTSD, being broken, finding peace, facing loneliness and accepting all of those things. So how in the world am I ready to fly with all of these issues going on? and more so how could I think I was ready to fly a year ago? These are questions I’ve been asking myself all day. Now, the year was not all that bad. I was able to help many of my readers with my posts, and have made new friends because of them. I was able to see a dear friend of mine reach some very important milestones in the healing process, I witnessed someone finding faith again, I made new relationships, and faced some defeats but also survived them.

These are all good things, yet tonight I feel shaken and frustrated. Did you ever just sit and stare at a snow globe as the snow is coming down and think how beautiful it would be to be stuck inside dancing in it? I have many times, but lately as I picture my globe it is different. I feel many hands shaking waiting for the snow to fall but I’m not dancing. Instead, I’m holding onto the sides just waiting for the movement to stop. I’m frustrated, fearful, and saddened over some of the realizations I’ve had this past year.

As much as I want to believe that a year ago today I was ready to fly, that could not have been possible if you look at the healing I have had to go through over the past several months. I will say I am very proud of what I have accomplished in both the healing and grieving process, however it seems that each new encounter or experience brings along another challenge.

This past year has brought way too many decisions, or maybe I have taken on too much at once. I found myself drowning in decision making, and in the process failing. I have had some relationship issues this past year, some pleasant, some not so much. Some have said I’ve sabotaged relationships, other’s have stated I may not know how to love or questioned if I had ever really loved before. I am quick to blame my past circumstances but that really is no excuse; however a side effect of my past experience.

Part_of_Your_World

I have often felt like I lost my voice somewhere. I had lived under the control of another for so long that I don’t know how to find my own voice, but I know it is in there somewhere and I am determined to find it.

So, what do I do at this point? I acknowledge the fact that I am still grieving, I’m still trying to figure out how to survive my divorce and be comfortable in my new life. That will get easier in time once my surroundings stop changing. I have had so many changes besides the divorce over the past three years, that it is no wonder there isn’t a blizzard in my snow globe of life, I need to take charge before an avalanche takes me out.

I am thankful and blessed for all the new friendships I’ve made and the people who have come into my life this past year and I would not change that for the world. Actually, I wouldn’t change anything because If I have learned anything this year, it’s that they are right when they say change makes us stronger and I would not be who I am today if I had not gone through what I have. Getting to know this new person I’ve become is my next step.

Life after a loss or divorce becomes a world we are not equipped to handle, a world we can no longer play in. I was searching for a song tonight, as it is a ritual of mine to listen as I write. I searched the entire time I was planning my outline and could not find anything that was inspiring me. Then out of nowhere while searching pictures I came upon Part of Your World from the Little Mermaid. That song as always touched me, but tonight it means even more to me than it ever has before. I am living in a new world, just like Ariel. Perseverance, faith, trust, and love will become the tools to carry me through. I may not be ready to fly just yet, what matters most is that I am free to fly.

Are you free to fly? do you feel ready? If you have a similar story, please share.

Happy New Year,

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

12/30/13

Related blogs/links

Part Of Your World, The Little Mermaid

God’s Flight, Why I’m Grateful

Angel Soaring, Random T’s

By Myself…For Myself

Published on December 7, 2013 by Kimberly Novak1 Comment

I apologize for how long this post it, this is something I’ve never done before. Below is an actual journal entry from my retreat today.

Feeling peaceful, calm and relaxed. My walk to the beach began with a family of geese who flew out of my way as I tried to rush past them. Mostly because I feared an attack on my head, but I know they were more afraid of me than I was of them. Then I happened upon a bench tucked away against a white picket fence, where I sat and listened to a bird trying to out-sound a bell ringing in the distance…to me is sounded like the bird was going to win that battle. I sat and took in what was around me, a beautiful marina, one lonely boat that was covered up for the winter, and this bench that just happened to be right where I needed it to be. In my bag I had a piece of paper, which held my retreat intention, a rock and a red ribbon. The plan was that when I arrived at the beach I would tie the paper to the rock with the ribbon and toss it into the water never to look back. The bench was kind of tucked away against the fence and in a spot where you would not normally see a bench placed. I sat for a few minutes and decided to take that time to put the paper, rock and ribbon all together, so that I would be ready when I reached my destination.

The walk was cold but the air felt clean and crisp. I made sure to bundle up however there were times when I could feel the cold surging through my body. I had just made the final turn and could see the beach ahead of me when all of a sudden out of nowhere came music, as loud as it could be. Someone in a nearby home was playing The Star Spangled Banner, I’m pretty sure as loud as their system would allow them. It stopped me in my tracks and gave me that moment to just look around at the beauty that surrounded me. I placed my hand over my heart and continued on my walk but at a much slower pace.

There was a slight breeze on the water and the air was fresh, and cold but inviting. Looking out into the lake and seeing how beautiful it looked with some ice just along the shore made me appreciate that moment. What a wondrous sight to see winter taking form right before my eyes. The sounds I heard were only of water and wind. I stood there alone with just my thoughts to keep me company. Usually those thoughts would make me nervous, but in that period of time I was calm. I walked along the shore picking up a few seashells that were not yet frozen in the sand. Those that had already been frozen were a beautiful sight as they glistened in the sun.

I had gone to this place with a purpose in mind, to let go of my loneliness and begin to be comfortable with myself and of being by myself. I reached into my bag for the intention tied to the rock that I had prepared earlier on the bench. I had expected to just be able to grab it and toss it out when I arrived but for some reason I was not ready to let it go. I started to feel myself pacing along the sand and that was making me nervous. I tried to walk while looking ahead and out into the beauty rather than watching where I was walking and all of a sudden there was a crunch sound from beneath my feet. When I looked down I could see that I was standing on ice that had formed over a puddle over the sand. It was the strangest thing because I was nowhere near the water, yet on this path a puddle had gotten trapped beneath the ice. I stood there for just a moment and then thought, I really don’t know how far down this puddle goes, girl you are on thin ice!!! Get off this now and give that intention to God, let it go and be free from it once and for all. The sound of that small section of frozen sand cracking was so loud it seemed to have awakened my spirit.

The next thing I did was to say a prayer to God thanking him for my ability to let go of my intention which will allow me to move forward and to finally begin to learn how to be comfortable with being alone. After my prayer I rose my arm up as high as I could and flung that sucker into the water. I wanted to watch it at first to see where it would end up, but quickly reminded myself that letting it go means not looking back. So instead I looked behind me up to the sky and what a sight it was! The clouds had parted just slightly to allow the most beautiful rays of sunshine beam down on me. When I turned back toward the water the floating rock was gone. I had done it! I felt grateful to God for the chance and courage to do what I had set out to do.

I continued to walk for a short time after reflecting on my moment and enjoying the silence and the nature that surrounded me. It was on my way back that I saw an amazing sight. A set of footprints in the sand. I knew in that moment that God was there with me and I was reminded of the verse: “It was then that I carried you”. Yes, I know those footprints were mine, they were of my boot, but it still lifted my spirit to know that even though I was physically alone on that beach, God was also with me. Seeing my own set of footprints was a reassurance for me that I can walk alone and be ok with it.

I believe that God has put someone on this earth for everyone to walk with and for now I am temporarily walking my path on my own. I know that when I am ready for it he will place that person I am to walk with by my side and in the meantime my journey now is to get comfortable with myself.

This experience today is a perfect beginning to finding faith within myself, I already have faith in God, it’s the love for my self that I have to work on.

On the walk back the sounds of my hurried footsteps reminded me to slow down. I continued on at a nice slow, restful pace and stumbled upon that same family of geese. This time they didn’t fly away, they simply moved over just enough so that we could be on the same path. I felt a very big smile come across my face (beneath the coat and scarf) and I knew then that if they felt comfortable with me on their space now, then at some point on my journey this morning, I had found peace. I can feel peace and calmness now within my spirit and I felt happiness knowing that I was able to find that peace by myself and for myself.

On this, my three-year anniversary, I will say that I am saddened a little that it took me this long after my divorce to give myself this time and this retreat….I urge you, if you are post divorce and you have not done this for yourself….do it now!! Don’t wait it is certainly worth every minute.

Please feel free to share your special moments of letting go….

“I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me.” Proverbs 4:13

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

P.S. below are photos from my walk.

12/7/13

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