loss – Page 6 – Out of the Chrysalis

Just Pull

Published on February 22, 2014 by Kimberly Novak8 Comments

push How many times have we tried to go through a door the wrong way? And I’m speaking literally here. When it happens we look around to make sure that no one has seen it happen. Your walking with a purpose headed into your favorite store, your list in hand you approach the door and push, push, push. Why isn’t the door opening? It is then that directly in your line of vision, you see the rather large sign that says PULL. I’m three years post divorce and I feel like I have been living life pushing on doors that should have been pulled and pulling on doors that should have been pushed and I am getting nowhere.

I feel like things I am trying to accomplish in my new life are not going as I had planned. God laughs at our plans I know, but these are things that I thought would have been easier for me to do as time passes on. Deep down I know I am over my ex, but am I over the circumstances that led to our divorce? I have been very focused on my healing for the last few years and I was confident that I was doing everything I needed to in order to get past everything and get on with my life. Today I wonder if I ‘ll ever get there.

I’ve been pushing and pushing on a door that just won’t open, and that is the door that leads to my heart. Unfortunately for me my last two therapists have moved on and today I was forced to let loose on my hair stylist. I thought I was doing OK, since I recently committed to dating again, until my head was tilted back and into that bowl. It was like as she was rising my hair I was letting go of everything that has been cooped up in my heart. I’ve had my heart under lock and key since the divorce and I don’t know how to make it useful again. I have visions of breathing into a paper bag as I”m trying to push my way through this blockage and let myself feel again. pull

When you lose a family member it is a death that is extremely hard to recover from, but sometimes I think recovering from a divorce is worse. You are mourning a death that you eventually want to put behind you so you can find someone new and begin again. Putting behind you the emotion’s, the heart ache, the circumstances, the anger, the hurt and letting yourself go to let someone else in has got to be one of the hardest things I’ve ever tried to do. Don’t get me wrong it is something I want to do and I am going to try. My door of divorce was one that I pushed on for a very long time, it is time that I start pulling and letting doors open.

Every day of my healing is a learning experience and I recently learned that I am still recovering and I am not over the circumstances of my divorce. But instead of taking quick shallow breaths and breathing into the paper bag, I want to be able to take one nice cleansing breath and pull on that door and have it open with ease.

Have you been pushing on pull doors? Please comment and share.

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

2/22/14

A World I Can No Longer Play In

Published on December 30, 2013 by Kimberly Novak5 Comments

new-year-party Here we are less than two days away from the new year. I”m sure like me you are contemplating your resolutions, while looking back on 2013. Some moments may be proud, other’s may make you look back and say “what?”, but none the less here we are embarking on another phase of our lives. As usual I took a look back at my posts for 2013 and was stunned to see that exactly one year ago today I wrote a post titled Ready to Fly. So why was I stunned? Partly because I’m not sure I flew this year, in fact I know for sure that my wings have been grounded so to speak.

During the year I posted about pain, panic, PTSD, being broken, finding peace, facing loneliness and accepting all of those things. So how in the world am I ready to fly with all of these issues going on? and more so how could I think I was ready to fly a year ago? These are questions I’ve been asking myself all day. Now, the year was not all that bad. I was able to help many of my readers with my posts, and have made new friends because of them. I was able to see a dear friend of mine reach some very important milestones in the healing process, I witnessed someone finding faith again, I made new relationships, and faced some defeats but also survived them.

These are all good things, yet tonight I feel shaken and frustrated. Did you ever just sit and stare at a snow globe as the snow is coming down and think how beautiful it would be to be stuck inside dancing in it? I have many times, but lately as I picture my globe it is different. I feel many hands shaking waiting for the snow to fall but I’m not dancing. Instead, I’m holding onto the sides just waiting for the movement to stop. I’m frustrated, fearful, and saddened over some of the realizations I’ve had this past year.

As much as I want to believe that a year ago today I was ready to fly, that could not have been possible if you look at the healing I have had to go through over the past several months. I will say I am very proud of what I have accomplished in both the healing and grieving process, however it seems that each new encounter or experience brings along another challenge.

This past year has brought way too many decisions, or maybe I have taken on too much at once. I found myself drowning in decision making, and in the process failing. I have had some relationship issues this past year, some pleasant, some not so much. Some have said I’ve sabotaged relationships, other’s have stated I may not know how to love or questioned if I had ever really loved before. I am quick to blame my past circumstances but that really is no excuse; however a side effect of my past experience.

Part_of_Your_World

I have often felt like I lost my voice somewhere. I had lived under the control of another for so long that I don’t know how to find my own voice, but I know it is in there somewhere and I am determined to find it.

So, what do I do at this point? I acknowledge the fact that I am still grieving, I’m still trying to figure out how to survive my divorce and be comfortable in my new life. That will get easier in time once my surroundings stop changing. I have had so many changes besides the divorce over the past three years, that it is no wonder there isn’t a blizzard in my snow globe of life, I need to take charge before an avalanche takes me out.

I am thankful and blessed for all the new friendships I’ve made and the people who have come into my life this past year and I would not change that for the world. Actually, I wouldn’t change anything because If I have learned anything this year, it’s that they are right when they say change makes us stronger and I would not be who I am today if I had not gone through what I have. Getting to know this new person I’ve become is my next step.

Life after a loss or divorce becomes a world we are not equipped to handle, a world we can no longer play in. I was searching for a song tonight, as it is a ritual of mine to listen as I write. I searched the entire time I was planning my outline and could not find anything that was inspiring me. Then out of nowhere while searching pictures I came upon Part of Your World from the Little Mermaid. That song as always touched me, but tonight it means even more to me than it ever has before. I am living in a new world, just like Ariel. Perseverance, faith, trust, and love will become the tools to carry me through. I may not be ready to fly just yet, what matters most is that I am free to fly.

Are you free to fly? do you feel ready? If you have a similar story, please share.

Happy New Year,

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

12/30/13

Related blogs/links

Part Of Your World, The Little Mermaid

God’s Flight, Why I’m Grateful

Angel Soaring, Random T’s

A Fish Out Of Water

Published on July 21, 2013 by Kimberly Novak2 Comments

Stop the presses!!! Hold the phone!!! Pause Please!!!

3309237-fish-and-fauna-under-water Did you know that a fish has no idea it is in water? That’s where it spends every moment of its life and it has no idea that it is moving in water. It cannot see it, smell it, taste it, all it knows is that is the environment in which it lives and if it is taken from that, the breathing stops. A setting that is sounding all too familiar for me.

I had a light bulb go off right above my head just a few moments ago and it was so bright I sat right down at my laptop and starting clicking away. This may sound similar to some of you who have been dealing with loss and emotional pain. I have been spending day after day for the past two years trying to overcome and cope with the loss I suffered. I’ve been going about my day living in my new environment just like a little fish. Imagine for a moment a gold-fish very accustomed to her cute little bowl and one day her world changes. She is forced to move to unfamiliar territory with new fish and plastic plants. She is frightened but because she is still in water, she is still breathing. Being a shy fish she keeps to herself as if she were still in her little bowl. She goes about her days thinking she is ok because she is breathing, no one around her knows that inside her mind she is drowning in her own thoughts. She makes the most of it but never seems to be able to get anywhere, her mind has taken over. Day’s begin to blur into nights and before long she has lost herself. She has adapted to her surroundings, her new life, but is she still living? As long as she has her water she is, but remember….she doesn’t know she is in water!

I am going to become very brave here and admit that I may have been drowning. I have been hiding within myself thinking it was what I was supposed to do. I’m grieving, I’m healing but I am NOT living! Now I didn’t lock myself up in my home and board up the window’s but I may as well have. I was still breathing, so I just figured I was living. On the surface it looked that way, I go to work flash a few smiles, play with the puppy and giggle a little, watch some tv, do a little reading. What has changed? I’m still going about my day to day activities. But what would happen if someone took away my air? Just like the fish who doesn’t know she is in water, as we are grieving and healing, we can’t see if we are not living. live

I went out this afternoon and spent some time with a group of fabulous women and I was a little upset with myself at first because I was quiet, reserved, arguing with my mind. “They all know your divorced”, “They can tell your single”, “Just don’t talk maybe no one will notice you are the only one in the room not wearing a ring”. It took a good 30 minutes of listening to this crap from inside my head before I loosened up and finally freed mysef from my own mind! I slammed the door shut, and didn’t listen to another word it had to say. Instead I found myself in the moment. Laughing at jokes, enjoying conversation, food, and even touch. I let every sense live, breathe and take in what I had been missing out on for so long; for the first time in a long time I chose life over my thoughts.

Scary you ask? Oh ya, but what was horrifying was knowing that I have been keeping myself locked up for so long when I didn’t have to. The afternoon went very pleasantly, I left with a smile on my face and it was one that I haven’t seen in a very long time. It motivated me and I have been a very different lady today. I think I can finally look in the mirror at myself and say “you’re ok”.

I had shut myself off. It’s as if on divorce day someone hit the off switch and I lost it along the way. It took a simple little Sunday afternoon ladies lunch to find it and turn it on. I want the light in me to never go out again, I like it bright and the brighter the better!

Ladies/Gent’s, let your lights continue to shine, do not turn yourself off and if you already have, seek out friends and loved ones to remind you of the light that is within you so that you too can turn it on again.

Do you have a similar story? Please share.

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

7/21/13

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