Just Pull


pushHow many times have we tried to go through a door the wrong way?  And I’m speaking literally here.  When it happens we look around to make sure that no one has seen it happen.  Your walking with a purpose headed into your favorite store, your list in hand you approach the door and push, push, push.  Why isn’t the door opening?  It is then that directly in your line of vision, you see the rather large  sign that says PULL.  I’m three years post divorce and I feel like I have been living life pushing on doors that should have been pulled and pulling on doors that should have been pushed and I am getting nowhere.

I feel like things I am trying to accomplish in my new life are not going as I had planned.  God laughs at our plans I know, but these are things that I thought would have been easier for me to do as time passes on.  Deep down I know I am over my ex, but am I over the circumstances that led to our divorce?  I have been very focused on my healing for the last few years and I was confident that I was doing everything I needed to in order to get past everything and get on with my life.  Today I wonder if I ‘ll ever get there.

I’ve been pushing and pushing on a door that just won’t open, and that is the door that leads to my heart.  Unfortunately for me my last two therapists have moved on and today I was forced to let loose on my hair stylist.  I thought I was doing OK, since I recently committed to dating again, until my head was tilted back and into that bowl. It was like as she was rising my hair I was letting go of everything that has been cooped up in my heart.  I’ve  had my heart under lock and key since the divorce and I don’t know how to make it useful again.  I have visions of breathing into a paper bag as I”m trying to push my way through this blockage and let myself feel again.  pull

When you lose a family member it is a death that is extremely hard to recover from, but sometimes I think recovering from a divorce is worse.  You are mourning a death that you eventually want to put behind you so you can find someone new and begin again.  Putting behind you the emotion’s, the heart ache, the circumstances, the anger, the hurt and letting yourself go to let someone else in has got to be one of the hardest things I’ve ever tried to do.  Don’t get me wrong it is something I want to do and I am going to try.  My door of divorce was one that I pushed on for a very long time, it is time that I start pulling and letting doors open.

Every day of my healing is a learning experience and I recently learned that  I am still recovering and I am not over the circumstances of my divorce.  But instead of taking quick shallow breaths and breathing into the paper bag, I want to be able to take one nice cleansing breath and pull on that door and have it open with ease.

Have you been pushing on pull doors?  Please comment and share.

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

2/22/14

Related links:

Pushing on a pull door, For King And Country

Meditations on Love

Open Heart Open Book

An Open Heart