Tag: inspirational

Facing Fear

Published on by Kimberly NovakLeave a comment

At the beginning of  May I wrote  a post about fear and a leap of faith.  Within that post I mentioned being in Hawaii and snorkeling with the fish and how much fun it was once I had allowed myself to face that fear.  Well, this week I found an underwater camera I had forgotten to get developed.  I was so excited to see all the beautiful pictures I had taken that day.  I remember being pretty nervous in the open water but I never anticipated how nervous I actually looked.  I had managed to snap a photo of myself underwater and I was stunned to see the fear in my eyes; a midst the happy memories of my trip I had forgotten about the fear I had to face in order to get there.

Surprisingly, what I remember about that day is not that I was afraid.  I remember the brilliantly blue sky; how fun it was to kayak in the open water; being among my friends; and how beautiful nature is.  Those are my memories, the picture however, tells a completely different story.  I can see the fear in my face; the wide-set eyes; the wrinkles on my forehead; and the general look of shock.  So why can’t I remember the fear that I was obviously facing?

I believe it has to do with the outcome.  Think about it, if you take yourself back to a time when you were afraid and it did not turn out the way you wanted you will always remember feeling that fear and it will force you to not want to go down that road again.  For example my first roller-coaster ride did not go so well.  I was with someone who was 6ft 4″, I am 4ft 11″; because of our height difference the lap bar would not hold me in securely and with each hill I thought for sure I was going to fall out.  I never went on another roller-coaster again.  The memory of that moment is complete and utter fear and I would not dare to face it again.

So why is the snorkeling different?  I can see in the pic I was terrified and I remember how I felt leading up to that moment before I leaped off the kayak, but I would definitely do it again, because it had a good outcome. My reward was seeing the vibrant colors of the fish below me; how softly the water flowed over me as I paddled along; and being truly happy once I resolved to sticking my face in the water and actually looking at the beauty that surrounded me.

We can’t always know how things are going to turn out, and I had several of those instances during my divorce, but there have been rewards.  I can’t say I have good memories of what I went through but that situation has produced different kinds of rewards.  I have become who I was meant to be; gained confidence in myself as a woman, and mother; strengthened bonds with family; met some amazing people; re-kindled some past relationships; and most importantly learned that facing fear will not kill me!

We all have different fears, public speaking (myself included); water; heights; karaoke; spiders; snakes; boats; airplanes, the list can go on forever.  There is one fear that we all have in common and that is Facing It!  Admit it, each one of us is afraid to face fear no matter how small or large it  is.  It is a natural instinct to be afraid of something you are not sure about.  

Imagine how disappointed I would have been had I not jumped into the water that day.  I would’ve been forced to stay in the kayak and watch my friends making their rewarding memories.  I am extremely happy with the choice I made.  I can honestly say that I am happy that I was able to face my fears of my life trial as well.  Even though it did not have the same outcome, it has made a positive impact in my life and I’m so proud  that I can now see what they are.

I’d love for you to share your fears and outcomes!

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

6/10/12

Final…such a scary word

Published on by Kimberly Novak1 Comment

The word final can mean so many different things depending on the situation.  Many times it comes about in a positive situation like taking your final exam’s, which signifies the completion of a long-term school goal, or finally achieving something you’ve been working a long time on.  Then there are other times when final can be negative as in a relationship coming to an end or the end of something you’ve been enjoying like a television series.  No matter if it’s a positive or a negative the word still has the same meaning…to come to an end.

Today, I’m taking a very big step and it has me scared to death.  I have made it a point to be open and honest since I started this blog and today is no different. I don’t want to only focus on the loss of a marriage so I will remind others that this post as well as my other’s are meant for those dealing with any type of loss. Loss of anything is hard just think back to when we were kids and how we responded when we lost something.  Even as simple as losing our homework or the dollar we had in our pocket, it freaked us out!  It doesn’t matter what it is that we are losing the act of losing anything can be devastating.

I’ve been dealing with the loss of my marriage, my home and living with my kids, along with the identity I had while in my marriage.  I’ve had to make a lot of changes and I’ve lost some friends we shared along the way, but none of that compares to how I am feeling as I make my final step to moving forward. Some may see it as a silly formality given the circumstances, but it is freaking me out.

I’ll just go ahead and say it… I’m beginning my annulment process tomorrow.  Well, hopefully it will be granted to me to proceed with the process.  I”ve been putting it off for some time now; I needed to make sure I was ready to deal with the fact that once this happen’s  that chapter of my life will truly be closed.  Again, I know how silly that sounds, as my ex has officially moved on, I on the other hand need this to continue my journey towards being fully healed.

So what freaks me out? The word final.  Once the annulment is complete that will be it, my marriage will be null and void.   Silly, I know since the divorce pretty much does the same thing, just not in the eyes of the church; for me that’s a big thing.  Aside from that it is still the last and final procedure I will go through with my marriage and it leaves me feeling somewhat sad. I”ve come to terms with the fact that I need to make friends with this very scary word and tomorrow I will be doing just that.

I hope that I can inspire anyone else who may be dealing with making any type of final decision.  If I can offer anything it would be to say that you need to make your decisions in your own time and on your terms.
  You will know when you are ready to move forward and if you look deep within yourself you will find the courage that you need to keep moving forward.

I”d love to hear stories from my you, please feel free to share how you worked out something final in your life.  Respond below in the comments section.

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly 6/1/12

Temporarily Crippled

Published on by Kimberly NovakLeave a comment

In a sense for the moment I’m temporarily crippled with my low back being out of whack.   I am limited to what I can do without pain, however part of my treatment plan is to continue with as much activity as I can tolerate.  I am finding it very unpleasant to move around and do my daily activities  and in doing so it has reminded me of how hard it was for me to deal with day-to-day life when I was going through my divorce.    Can our hearts be temporarily crippled as well as our bodies?

After suffering loss of a relationship, marriage or the person we love it is very hard to be open to letting ourselves ever feel that way again.  I belive that just like our bodies, our hearts can also become temporarily crippled. Just like with my back I have good days and bad days when it comes to matter’s of the heart.   I like to think that I am making progress.  I am learning how to develop new relationships and I am enjoying maintaining the treatment plan that will eventually lead to a fully mended heart.  It was not easy to let someone into that fragile space but I know that it is important to allow activity to continue if I am going to continue to heal.

I”m not alone when I say that my number one fear is becoming completely healed only to be knocked down again.  It’s no different with my back.  I need to do my daily activities in order for the spasms to subside but doing the activities sometimes aggravate the spasms.  This situation forces me to make a choice.  If I want to begin to feel better I have to follow this treatment plan and hope that I have more good days than bad.  It’s the same for our hearts.  We need to choose to allow the healing to begin.  Yes we will still have days of sadness or fear but  getting through those days is where the healing is taking place.

Our hearts are the center of our happiness and in order to be truly happy in all that we do, not just our relationships but in our daily lives as well,  healing needs to begin.  If you are having difficulty with matter’s of the heart since your struggle, take some time to reflect on what you think your treatment plan should be.  It could be as simple as keeping a journal, quiet time for yourself, praying, or even talking with someone.

It’s important to know that where you are now is temporary and when you are willing, ready, and able you will begin to heal and you will find happiness in all aspects of your life.   Love is a gift, and when we can accept it and let it back into our lives we are truly Blessed.

Do you have a treatment plan that has  worked for you in matter’s of the heart?  Please share in the comments section.

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

5/14/12