Tag: fear

Trusting Intuition

Published on by Kimberly Novak3 Comments

This could possibly be one of the most difficult topics I”ve written on in a while.  As a survivor of divorce I will be the first to admit that trusting my intuition is something I had never done.  I was quick to assume that my doubt or feelings of worry were all in my head.  Most times what I was concerned about was something those around me had no idea was going on.  For the few that I had confided in there was no concrete proof.   I made the decision to look my intuition in the eye and just shake my head in wonder.

Since the divorce I have gone through a lot of emotional changes but this one I was unaware of until recently.  This past weekend my intuition paid a visit.  I was very surprised when it had arrived, as I had resolved a long time ago that our relationship had ended.  I was faced with a dilemma and instead of shying away from the feelings that were invading my gut I chose to act on them.  In doing so I was able to find the proof I needed to ease my wonder and solved the case!

I had a brief moment of fear creep in when I was going through all of the possibilities of what may or may not have transpired.  The most important of all of those feelings was that they were the SAME feelings I felt all those times in my  marriage when my intuition was trying to tell me something.   I even had the sickness in my stomach, which surprised me because the weekend event itself was not that upsetting.  It was not something I would hope would happen, but it was not life changing.  I’m glad though that I was able to have a mild reason to be able to learn to trust my intuition again.  This way the next time I am faced with something more serious, I will be more than ready.

I was happy, confident, and even gloated just a little bit.  I felt like I could really begin a new relationship with myself, my emotions, and what goes on in my silly little mind.  I had proven to myself that if I just take the time to think  and act on my feelings I can get to the bottom of things.

Then a switch was flipped.  As I stated this instance was an easy one.  The outcome that I was trusting in was not life changing like the divorce was.  I started to question whether or not I could trust my intuition if the stakes were higher.  We don’t know how we are going to react to any given situation.  If we can’t trust our own thoughts or feelings then I believe we won’t have trust in anyone or anything.  All situations come with doubt, even the good ones.  Deciphering between a feeling of doubt and an uneasy feeling is the hard part.

If something is making you uneasy then it is probably a good idea to get to the bottom of it.  Those uneasy feelings will only lead to more serious conditions.  Here is my take on it.  Feelings of doubt usually will go away after some consideration, advice gathering, reflection and prayer.  When  you are uneasy about something and your body is screaming at you, it is probably a good idea to listen to it.  If you immediately know the answer without having to guess; you have that feeling that you are correct;  something is pulling at your gut telling you this is how it is.  These are the times when you trust your intuition, your mind, and your body.

Trusting in what your body is telling you about the situation is not an easy task.  It will take practice, but most of all it will take a willingness on your part to face the outcome, good or bad.   A natural reaction in these situations is to ignore it.  We like to tell ourselves it will all work itself out. I have found there is a downside to that.  I spent many years telling myself those exact words instead of listening to my gut, and in turn had more difficulty when it did come time to face it.

This past weekend was a gentle reminder of what I am capable of when it comes to trusting in myself.  Just a day or so after this revelation I am faced with yet another circumstance this one is proving to be more challenging.  I have faith in myself that I will once again be able to trust my intuition and act accordingly.

During a significant life changing event we sometimes lose sight of the fact that we are really in tune with our emotions.  Sometimes we just need a little nudge to get us restarted again.  Is there a time when your intuition was screaming at you?  Please leave a comment.

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

9/5/12

 

 

Facing Fear

Published on by Kimberly NovakLeave a comment

At the beginning of  May I wrote  a post about fear and a leap of faith.  Within that post I mentioned being in Hawaii and snorkeling with the fish and how much fun it was once I had allowed myself to face that fear.  Well, this week I found an underwater camera I had forgotten to get developed.  I was so excited to see all the beautiful pictures I had taken that day.  I remember being pretty nervous in the open water but I never anticipated how nervous I actually looked.  I had managed to snap a photo of myself underwater and I was stunned to see the fear in my eyes; a midst the happy memories of my trip I had forgotten about the fear I had to face in order to get there.

Surprisingly, what I remember about that day is not that I was afraid.  I remember the brilliantly blue sky; how fun it was to kayak in the open water; being among my friends; and how beautiful nature is.  Those are my memories, the picture however, tells a completely different story.  I can see the fear in my face; the wide-set eyes; the wrinkles on my forehead; and the general look of shock.  So why can’t I remember the fear that I was obviously facing?

I believe it has to do with the outcome.  Think about it, if you take yourself back to a time when you were afraid and it did not turn out the way you wanted you will always remember feeling that fear and it will force you to not want to go down that road again.  For example my first roller-coaster ride did not go so well.  I was with someone who was 6ft 4″, I am 4ft 11″; because of our height difference the lap bar would not hold me in securely and with each hill I thought for sure I was going to fall out.  I never went on another roller-coaster again.  The memory of that moment is complete and utter fear and I would not dare to face it again.

So why is the snorkeling different?  I can see in the pic I was terrified and I remember how I felt leading up to that moment before I leaped off the kayak, but I would definitely do it again, because it had a good outcome. My reward was seeing the vibrant colors of the fish below me; how softly the water flowed over me as I paddled along; and being truly happy once I resolved to sticking my face in the water and actually looking at the beauty that surrounded me.

We can’t always know how things are going to turn out, and I had several of those instances during my divorce, but there have been rewards.  I can’t say I have good memories of what I went through but that situation has produced different kinds of rewards.  I have become who I was meant to be; gained confidence in myself as a woman, and mother; strengthened bonds with family; met some amazing people; re-kindled some past relationships; and most importantly learned that facing fear will not kill me!

We all have different fears, public speaking (myself included); water; heights; karaoke; spiders; snakes; boats; airplanes, the list can go on forever.  There is one fear that we all have in common and that is Facing It!  Admit it, each one of us is afraid to face fear no matter how small or large it  is.  It is a natural instinct to be afraid of something you are not sure about.  

Imagine how disappointed I would have been had I not jumped into the water that day.  I would’ve been forced to stay in the kayak and watch my friends making their rewarding memories.  I am extremely happy with the choice I made.  I can honestly say that I am happy that I was able to face my fears of my life trial as well.  Even though it did not have the same outcome, it has made a positive impact in my life and I’m so proud  that I can now see what they are.

I’d love for you to share your fears and outcomes!

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

6/10/12

I’m Gleaning

Published on by Kimberly NovakLeave a comment

Definition of GLEAN:  intransitive verb

1: to gather grain or other produce left by reapers

2: to gather information or material bit by bit

1a: to pick up after a reaper.  b:  to strip(as a field) of the leavings of reapers

2a: to gather (as information) bit by bit. b: to pick over in search of relevant material/ gleaning old files for information.

      The other day I was approached  for some advice.  We spoke only briefly, but during that moment I found myself going back to a dark place that I had once been in and it scared the crap out of me!  I wondered, how can I continue to offer advice or help people if their issues bring up my old wounds?  However, the reason I was being asked for advice is because I had gone through it and I may have have information that could offer some help.  What I need to do is learn how to glean through my emotions.

      I was sharing this with a friend yesterday and was told that the best advice anyone can offer is based on real emotions, and because I had gone through what I did I can offer real advice not hypothetical.   I still had some concerns though; its only been a year and a half am I ready to be the person for other’s to turn to? After some reflection I realized that I have a passion within me to share my story in the hopes that I can help anyone even in the slightest.  So the answer to that is a heartwarming YES!   It may be the best time because the emotions are still so real in my mind.  I can still feel every ounce of what I went through.   Which brought up another concern; if I continue to re-live my trial every time I offer help to someone else will I ever be free of it?  The answer to that is NO.  However, no matter if I’m helping other’s or not I will never be free of any of those feelings because they are within me.  
   
      That’s where gleaning comes in.   When I am asked a question or asked for advice I am searching bit by bit through what I went through looking for relevant material or old information that may fit their current situation.  I need to be able to go back to those moments so that I can offer my best suggestions.  No situation will be exactly the same but if they are similar in nature I can share what I did or what I wish I had done.
      I’ll admit I was sad that day and fearful of the fact that if I am to continue on this journey of being a shoulder for other’s and sharing my experiences with them there will be times when I will have to recall some of those painful memories.  But I am determined to make myself available for anyone out there suffering a loss.  I am willing and ready to go back down any road I have to if it offers comfort or clarity for other’s in their struggle.
    I also know that in the process of gleaning I will learn how to recall those memories without them having a negative affect on the new person I have become.   Wow!  In typing that last sentence I can see that I am truly making progress on my transformation and I’m Blessed to be able to share with all of you.  I hope some of you are doing the same on your journey!  Together we will all transform into the beautiful butterflies we are meant to be.
Is anyone willing to share a moment when you saw progress in your transformation? GLEAN through your memory and leave a reply.
Kimberly
Courageous Butterfly
5/19/12