Tag: broken

Does PTSD after divorce exist? You better believe it!

Published on by Kimberly Novak104 Comments

ptsd1I can chalk today up to a really bad day, or a valuable lesson learned.  It’s been two years since D-day and I like to think that I’m healing at a somewhat normal pace.  I’ve been able to move on in all aspects of my life, little things that used to bother me don’t anymore, I’m good with being in the same room as my ex and I even faced forgiveness head on and chose it!  So why am I now, at this point, experiencing  post traumatic stress symptoms?

The term is most recognized for people who have gone through war, seen very traumatic events, and suffered great loss during that time.  I do not want to even try to compare what I went through against what a war veteran has experienced.  What I can do is talk about similarities.  We do not often hear of PTSD following an emotional or social event it’s usually something that was very abusive.  Well, I was very surprised when I began looking for information on this topic to find so many links to articles relating to post divorce PTSD.  

Divorce will bring about traumatic events that leave us scarred in the same way as a person who has survived combat.  In fact, most divorces share similar types of  combat, war, traumatic events and end up the same way….with a loss.  In a previous post I wrote about finding battle scars, and trying to differentiate between the two can be confusing.  When I found the scar, it was only because someone pointed it out to me.  I was surprised but dealt with it and moved on from it with a sense of accomplishment!  This time was different.

I’ve mentioned before that I’m learning to listen to my intuition, although lately, I am getting a little annoyed when she calls!  Reluctantly, I took her call,  and it was just as I thought.  Prior to that event though, is when the PTSD showed its ugly head.   When I started to wonder about the situation, the emotions I felt were something I had felt before, and they were not welcome emotions.   I immediately tried to put it off to the side and pay no attention to it, but she kept on calling! I thought maybe I was over reacting.   When I finally took a moment to think about what I was feeling and why, I was brought back to that day.  My heart raced, face went white, and hands were shaky. I was feeling every emotion, uncertainty, insecurity, and most of all fear; it was all too familiar.  

I was brought back to my trauma similarly as a war veteran who hears a loud noise.  Even though the situation was different and in no way related to my marriage or why it ended, I was going through the same feelings all over again.  It scared the crap out of me and I began to go through a list of questions.  Does this mean I’m not as far along in my healing process as I thought I was?  Will this happen again?  Does this happen to others?  How can I stop this from happening?

I don’t have all the answers just yet. What I do know and can trust is my intuition and I promised her I would continue to take her calls no matter how bad they will be.  As far as my healing process, I do think I am where I thought I was, otherwise I wouldn’t recognize what I’m feeling.  I will encounter speed bumps along the way some big some small, this one was a big one maybe the next will be a little smaller.  Will this happen again?  YES, if I am to continue to heal properly I have to go through every emotion, every failure, and every triumph.  Does this happen to others?  YES ( links to articles below), unfortunately I am not the only one but we can all learn from each other.  How can I stop this from happening?  I can’t, which is a good thing.  It means that I will continue to move forward no matter what scars, or traumatic memories I have and I will grow stronger as each one rears its ugly head.  Now is my chance to fight against each scar or traumatic stress symptom, and continue to fight until I am free from each one.  When I least expect it, that day will come.  intition

It’s almost as if the last two years have been preparing me for a new battle.  I am now at war with memories, feelings, emotions and circumstances that at some time in my life will become familiar again.  Being able to recognize, trust and battle them will be what leads me to ultimate healing and happiness.

I’m not sure if I really learned a lesson or if it’s that I learned more about what I went through and how it may affect me in the future.  What I did learn is a good thing, I’m not numb to feelings, I have not been ruined by my divorce, trusting in myself and allowing myself to feel things again is an amazing feeling!

I”d love to hear from other’s who have also suffered PTSD symptoms after divorce.  Do you have a similar experience to share?  Please respond in the comments.

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

1/4/13

Related Links/ Blogs

Is your high conflict divorce causing PTSD?

I have PTSD after my divorce

It’s ok not to be ok

 

 

 

Finding Battle Scars

Published on by Kimberly Novak6 Comments

every-scarLet’s start with the definition of  SCAR: a  mark left by a healed wound; a lasting after effect of trouble;  a lingering sign of damage or injury.

Today I spent approximately 30 minutes with a total stranger, who in a subtle way, pointed out that I have some pretty serious battle scars.  I did not share any details of my divorce, only that I had gone through on.   With  the perception or stigma of a “divorce” the conclusion was reached that I have changed the way I deal with certain situations.

I’ve been dealing with some health issues for almost a year now and was seeking another opinion.  I was described very politely as being pragmatic and not accepting of the fact that I’ve been left without a diagnosis.   The phrase used was “you do not want to be left in limbo”.  I had to let that simmer for most of the afternoon but when I really started to think about it, I realized it is the truth.

I survived something pretty horrible and my wounds have healed, but as a wound heals sometimes a scar is left.  Depending on the severity of the wound some scars will be very visible and other’ s may be hard to find.  Obviously this particular scar was pretty evident I just needed someone to point it out.

At this point in my healing, I can relate most to my scar as the after effect of trouble.  There were a lot of  pretty big unknowns during the course of my divorce and it took almost two years before I had an answer to any of them.  It was just as described today, living in limbo; that is a pretty deep scar.

Now that I am in control of what is happening in my life, I cannot find comfort in the fact that there have been no answers in relation to my health concerns.  At first I thought it was a polite way of telling me I’m being impatient and I need to just chill out and let them do their job.  Then I took some time to reflect on it and it makes a lot of sense.

It’s almost like a post traumatic stress symptom.  During my battle I had little control over what was happening and never knew which way things were going to turn.  That was a very long period of time to spend in limbo and now unbeknownst to me, I’ve found myself there again.  Lucky for me this situation is very different because the people I’m working with are working for me, instead of against me.  I am confident that because we are working together we will resolve these issues and I will continue to move forward.

free to flyAs I am still getting to know the new woman I’ve become, I am learning to be grateful for the little lessons along the way.  Now I know what persistence means to me.  It means that I am refusing to be left in limbo and I am hoping it becomes a good trait to have.  As long as I am persistent in the right things and go about it in the right way I think I’ll do alright.  I like to think I’m in pretty good shape for the shape I”m in.  I may have scars but just because I had been broken, does not mean I cannot fly.

Have you found any battle scars?  Please share in the comment section.

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

11/30/12

 

 

Watering the Soul

Published on by Kimberly Novak4 Comments

I have recently discovered that it may be time to “water my soul”.  In many of my earlier posts I talked a lot about ways to deal with emotions that come from surviving a loss.  I’m referring to ALL of the emotions, good and bad.  With the recent loss of our family dog I have discovered that there are some emotional left over’s that need to be dealt with.  I tried writing my thoughts, talking with friends, and though those were good outlets, I just was not getting what I needed to do a full on emotional purge.  So….I bit the bullet…..and found myself in a counselor’s office.

 The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.  ~John Vance Cheney

One will never really know when they are fully recovered and some may never be.  It took the opening of a new wound to see that I still have some  that need healing.  Some may think that if they are not obsessing over their loss, then the wounds are gone, that is not necessarily true.  The wounds will always be a part of us, and there are some circumstances that may cause them to resurface, like another loss.

 Tears are the safety valve of the heart when too much pressure is laid on it.  ~Albert Smith

When I made the decision I wasn’t sure how this was going to go.   I didn’t know if I really wanted to take myself back to the beginning of what I went through.   As I dialed the phone number my hands were shaking and I was already fearing that this appointment would require giving the counselor a full report of the past two years.  I was very vague on the phone and at first I was asking stupid questions like “how many counselors are in your group?”, and “do you have hours on the weekends?”.  I was stalling and it took a 20 minute phone call before I finally scheduled the time.

Five days later, I ventured out for what I thought would be a horrible experience.  I sat in the car for a few minutes thinking about why I had made the appointment, yes it was primarily because of the loss of my dog, but I felt there may be more than that.  Maybe I still needed to heal some old wounds.  I wanted to doubt myself and run.  Instead, I squashed those feelings and gave credit for realizing that this was something I definitely needed and it was going to be something I could benefit from.

I watered, and watered  my soul with tears like there was no tomorrow!  I am not afraid to say that I am still a little broken but who isn’t?  It takes courage to admit and face it and I am so glad I have. Suffering loss be it a spouse, parent,  pet, or friend will leave a permanent scar.  It does not matter how many seconds, minutes, hours, days or years pass, the wound will be there.  In order for us to heal those scars our job is to be able to recognize when it is time to add a little more water to the soul.  Tears are healing, with each drop we add a little more antiseptic to pain.  

   Tears are God’s gift to us.  Our holy water.  They heal us as they flow.

                                  ~Rita Schiano, Sweet Bitter Love, 1997,  published by The Reed Edwards Company

Feeling the way I did when I left that appointment, I have no fears about re visiting  those old painful issues.  I will again come out a survivor.  I lived it, it is part of me and I recognize that I need to use what I went through as a tool to discovering who I am and what I am meant to be.  I know that when I do, I am furthering the healing process which will ultimately lead to my happiness.

I fully encourage anyone who feels a struggle with loss to sit and talk and let the tears water the soul.  The soul is our core, it is how we feel, think, act and react.  It is important that we keep that area healthy if we are to achieve greatness and be truly happy in our lives.

 Every tear should live its purpose.  Don’t ever wipe the reason away.  ~Jessica Simpson (2009 tweet)

How have you found comfort with talking about old wounds in the hopes of continuing on your healing journey?  Please share in the comments section.

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

10/21/12

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