broken – Page 4 – Out of the Chrysalis

Emotional Glacier

Published on March 2, 2014 by Kimberly Novak8 Comments

small-iceberg-w Frozen: It’s the beginning of March and we are still being gifted by mother nature with ice and snow.

Frozen: The Oscar nominated song Let It Go, in 2014, a hit for little girls everywhere.

Frozen: The Disney Movie which defines Love as: “Love,” the character states, “is putting someone else’s needs before your own.” The definition is not only key to the story’s surprising climax, but also biblically solid. For the Scriptures tell us, “Greater love has no one than this: than he lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:13).

Frozen: Webster defines it as, frigid, very cold, obstructed by ice.

It’s amazing how one word can have so many different meanings. So why am I stuck on this very cold, sometimes debilitating word? Because in the last few years I have had many circumstances where I felt, or wanted to be frozen. There were times during my trial when something would happen and the result would cause me to feel trapped and out of control of my circumstances. In those moments I was literally frozen, in that I was not able to do anything to change the outcome. I was physically and emotionally frozen.

Lately, I feel like I am stuck, I”m sitting on a very large piece of ice in the middle of nowhere, an emotional glacier. It’s strange because for a while now I have not had any issues with releasing my feelings but for some reason I find myself wanting to hold things in again. We all know that holding in feelings is never a good idea and that came to pass for me last week. Now that I can see it though I am committed to working through whatever it is that I am holding on to. From the lips of a very dear woman “It’s OK to not be OK”.

The last few days I have been trying to figure out what it is that has me trapped on this current glacier. Other than the obvious, there is an anniversary (not mine) that does seem to be at the forefront of my mind. It’s something that I knew I would never be “OK” with, but something I thought I had moved past. Divorce is truly the death of a relationship and unfortunately for me, I am still in mourning.

I know I have made a lot of progress in my healing but then I have these surprises creep up on me and throw me right back onto that glacier where I have an emotional explosion! The hard part is not to feel like I’m right back at the beginning. I need to put all those other explosions behind me and just focus on the one that has me on this current block of ice. Also hard, is to let it all out; finding someone to confide in and tell all of this too. I have been through three counselors since my divorce; they keep leaving, maybe I need to look into that! (ha ha) Most importantly though is recognizing when you are feeling isolated on the glacier before it’s too late and you are piled up high one on top the other before the damn breaks. let it go

In the words of Disney’s Frozen….LET IT GO! Let it all in and then let it all out. We have to remember that tears are healing and it’s OK. Keeping in mind also not to be angry with yourself when you get to these moments. My first reaction was how angry I was at because I am still holding on to some of these issues, but then I realized its because I haven’t let them go from my heart. They are still there because they still cause hurt, and I need to face them in order to release them.

I have been living in the biggest storm of my life, there may be nothing harder than this. It is going to take time, patience, understanding, love, faith, and hope to guide me towards being healed. I have no idea how long it will take, or if I ever will be completely over everything that I went through. For now I know that it’s OK for me not to be OK, and I need to let other’s around me know when I am feeling that way. It’s not healthy to be alone on that block of ice, the more people I let in and the more I talk about it, the quicker that ice will melt and I will be free of it. I have to admit when I first pictured myself sitting on a glacier and it was melting away, I felt panic! What if I”m not ready? What if it melts and I drown? Well, the people around, us, those helping us, will be our life jackets. They will make sure that we are safe to swim and they will lead us safely to the shore.

Do you feel trapped on your own emotional glacier? Respond in the comments.

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

3/2/14

Just Pull

Published on February 22, 2014 by Kimberly Novak8 Comments

push How many times have we tried to go through a door the wrong way? And I’m speaking literally here. When it happens we look around to make sure that no one has seen it happen. Your walking with a purpose headed into your favorite store, your list in hand you approach the door and push, push, push. Why isn’t the door opening? It is then that directly in your line of vision, you see the rather large sign that says PULL. I’m three years post divorce and I feel like I have been living life pushing on doors that should have been pulled and pulling on doors that should have been pushed and I am getting nowhere.

I feel like things I am trying to accomplish in my new life are not going as I had planned. God laughs at our plans I know, but these are things that I thought would have been easier for me to do as time passes on. Deep down I know I am over my ex, but am I over the circumstances that led to our divorce? I have been very focused on my healing for the last few years and I was confident that I was doing everything I needed to in order to get past everything and get on with my life. Today I wonder if I ‘ll ever get there.

I’ve been pushing and pushing on a door that just won’t open, and that is the door that leads to my heart. Unfortunately for me my last two therapists have moved on and today I was forced to let loose on my hair stylist. I thought I was doing OK, since I recently committed to dating again, until my head was tilted back and into that bowl. It was like as she was rising my hair I was letting go of everything that has been cooped up in my heart. I’ve had my heart under lock and key since the divorce and I don’t know how to make it useful again. I have visions of breathing into a paper bag as I”m trying to push my way through this blockage and let myself feel again. pull

When you lose a family member it is a death that is extremely hard to recover from, but sometimes I think recovering from a divorce is worse. You are mourning a death that you eventually want to put behind you so you can find someone new and begin again. Putting behind you the emotion’s, the heart ache, the circumstances, the anger, the hurt and letting yourself go to let someone else in has got to be one of the hardest things I’ve ever tried to do. Don’t get me wrong it is something I want to do and I am going to try. My door of divorce was one that I pushed on for a very long time, it is time that I start pulling and letting doors open.

Every day of my healing is a learning experience and I recently learned that I am still recovering and I am not over the circumstances of my divorce. But instead of taking quick shallow breaths and breathing into the paper bag, I want to be able to take one nice cleansing breath and pull on that door and have it open with ease.

Have you been pushing on pull doors? Please comment and share.

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

2/22/14

Will YOU be YOUR Valentine?

Published on February 9, 2014 by Kimberly Novak6 Comments

Kiss Me – Hug Me – Be Mine – These are probably the most popular Valentine phrases that we have been forced to look at since Christmas ended. I took a look back at my posts, and I am honestly surprised that I have not yet talked about the holiday that singles dread the most…..Valentines Day. The only logical explanation I can come up with is that I was not ready to even think about going on a date for that particular holiday. So why now?

I still don’t think I am “ready” but it is something that has been weighing on my mind recently. I even went so far as to arrange a date! Yep a real Valentines Day date….then I cancelled it. What in the world am I afraid of? That is the question of the year and unfortunately I do not have that answer. Here I was with someone who actually wanted to go on a date with me on that special day, even though I kept saying that it was not “technically” going to be a date…just friends who happen to be going out on the most romantic night of the year, my inner self knew it was a date and that is what scared me.

Since the divorce I cannot look at a happy couple without first getting jealous, then getting angry. Why can’t I be happy for them? This year I have no one to blame but myself. I let my inner fears get the best of me.

Last year however, I was a very brave soul and took myself out and it turned out to be the most amazing date of my new life! I started out by going shopping the week before and bought an entire new outfit. Were talking a shirt, skirt, high-heeled boots, jewelry, purse..the whole deal, just as if I were going on a date with an actual person. I was going to attend a concert alone on that special night and I never felt more ready. Until I got in the car and headed out.

I almost turned around and went home. I was panicked! I was going to a romantic concert alone on Valentine’s Day! There would be couples surrounding me everywhere I turned, have I gone mad? Sure enough when I walked in, the pink, red and white heart-shaped balloons made me want to throw up and they were everywhere, tied to every chair, hanging from the ceiling, and surrounding each doorway. I was in romance hell. But I was there and since I did not want to waste all the money I had spent, I decided to suck it up and at least try to enjoy myself. I chose a table near the stage so that I could concentrate on why I was there in the first place, to sit and enjoy the music. That night ended up being so much fun! I met a lovely couple who took me under their wing for the entire evening and they were even trying to play match maker half way through the night. I was surviving not being a couple on a night when usually only couples go out. Most importantly, I was having FUN being there with myself. I have to say I really know how to woo me. I had dinner, I was dancing in the isle, I was singing out loud and I was smiling, not just a little smile…. the biggest!

After that night ended I remember going home and calling mom, I couldn’t wait to fill her in on how perfect the night was and I had made a comment to her I”ll never forget “this Valentine’s night is going to be very hard to top”. I had done it, I did everything I wanted and I had survived.

So what is wrong with me this year? I guess I thought I needed to have a date because that is just what normal people do, so I went ahead and scheduled one. I’m still not sure why I couldn’t keep it, something in me is saying I”m not quite ready for that yet. Of course I want to have a partner some day, and I want to be able to go out on romantic dates with someone special. I just don’t think this year is my time. smile

Unfortunately I”m getting a late start on planning a date for myself and by myself at this point, but there is still time. I have this entire week to plan something. What would you like to do for yourself on this romantic day? Some fun suggestions may be, a concert, a movie, dinner out at your favorite place, somewhere you always wanted to go. Or even something as simple as buying yourself flowers, and candy. Get up, get out, get dressed in your best and woo yourself better than you’ve ever been wooed before. I don’t know if I will be able to top last year but I sure am going to try. It’s important at this stage in the game to be able to go out and have fun by yourself, before you’ll be comfortable letting someone else in on the fun.

Have you wooed yourself? Please share in the comment’s.

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

2/9/14

	Anonymous on What An Awesome God
	Dorothy McCarthy on Check out my latest article pu…
	Anonymous on Something Better
	Kimberly Novak on Something Better
	Kimberly Novak on Something Better

Share this:

Share this:

Share this: