Tag: broken

Decide to Forgive

Published on by Kimberly Novak7 Comments

This is a big one people!  This word can be scary for most of us and it is partly because we really don’t completely understand it’s meaning.  I was reminded of that this week when I heard my ex husband’s voice on the phone for the first time in months.

I’ve been going through this process with the understanding that forgiveness is just one of the steps you take when you are healing.  Other’s say just forgive and forget.  Well my friends that’s complete bull! What happened is a part of my life, it is something I will never forget because I lived it.  Outside of early onset dementia, it is something that will be with me forever.

Silliness aside, I also have been going through this process thinking forgiveness is a choice, and was I willing to make it? After attending a very rewarding weekend at church just two months after my divorce, I was sure I could make that choice.  I listened to several speeches on the topic, and in my heart it made me happy to say  “I Forgive you.”  I even went as far as writing it out, never mailing it of course, but it allowed me to go through the motions and feel like I had completed the forgiveness step.

One year later I received a letter that I had written to myself during that weekend.  I looked at the envelope for at least an hour, trying to recall what I had written.  I poured a glass of wine, made myself comfortable and then opened it.  I hadn’t forgiven my ex that weekend, I had forgiven myself.

In that moment I decided  to forgive myself for what I went through. There were many signs thrown in my face through the years and I didn’t see them; forgiven.  I was faced with choices  and had I chosen differently maybe the truth would have been seen; forgiven.  The big one, the one that produced many tears, allowing myself to deny my intuition; forgiven.

So what is the difference between choosing and deciding?  Think about a situation when you chose to do something, maybe you never did it.  Now think about a situation you decided to do something, usually that produces the actual act of doing it.  It’s kind of crazy how two words that are so similar can bring very different outcomes.

Which brings me back to the phone call this week.  I”m still struggling with seeing or talking to my ex and I haven’t been able to figure out why.  It’s been a year and a half I should not get all teary when in his company.  I never decided to forgive him, so those feelings are festering inside me.

When I heard him on the phone there was a voice in my head saying “closure”.  We never had closure.  That day was all business and signing papers.  After 20 years and three kids we didn’t get our goodbye.  There was so much I wanted to say during that conversation but I stuck to the reason for the call.  Inside my head I was saying everything I wanted to tell him.  And I thought just because I need closure does not mean he does.  I was not about to put myself into a conversation that would make me feel worse.  I listened to his words and for myself I was getting closure.  I found myself not letting the conversation end because my head and I were still getting things out!  That was kind of funny in a way, trying to drag out a conversation when I was so fearful of hearing his voice in the first place.

It got to a point when I just couldn’t stretch it any more and it was time to say goodbye.  I would normally end a phone call with just the word bye, but in this instance I said “good-bye”.  I set the phone down, took a few moments, some deep breaths and out of my mouth came “I Forgive Him”.

I don’t condone what happened with our marriage, I’m not accepting it as something that was ok.  I made the decision to let it go.  It’s in my past and I have a future to plan for.  I cannot live in fear of seeing him or hearing his voice because he will be in my life for a very long time.  

As I sit here today and write all of this out I can honestly say that my heart feels a little lighter.  I didn’t know it but I was still holding onto some painful feelings.  My heart is more peaceful now.  No one can force you into forgiveness.  It is something that you have to decide to do and when you are ready.  I thought I had a long time ago.  It took one phone call to make me realize I wasn’t done yet.

I’d love to hear comments on this subject. It is by far the most difficult part of healing.  When did you realize that you could forgive? or when did you realize you were forgiven?

 

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

6/23/12

Patience….

Published on by Kimberly Novak3 Comments

I have never been a patient person.  I’m the type that needs instant gratification no matter what the situation is.  For example if I purchase paint for a room, I’m painting that same day.  I’d like to read the end of the book before the first chapter just because I cannot wait to see how it ends!  Let’s look at the definition of patience:

1.  The quality of being patient, as the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation or the like.

2.  An ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay.

3.  Quiet, steady perseverance; even-tempered care.

Let’s start breaking it down with #1.  My biggest test of being patient during misfortune and pain was during the divorce and I think my attorney will agree that I failed at that.  Here I was in an extremely stressful situation and there was no instant gratification in sight!  Unfortunately the court system calendar does not book court dates according to how stressed out the parties are.  Circumstances beyond my control caused me on many occasions to lose my temper, complain and be irritated.
#2.  Why would anyone in their right mind be wiling to accept delay? With today’s technology we have all been trained to do things and have things done quickly.  We all want faster computers, we expect fast food to be thrown at us out of the window as we drive by and if we are forced to sit and suppress that gratification we do so with cell phones in hand.
#3.  For me this is the definition that makes sense.  QUIET, STEADY, EVEN-TEMPERED CARE.  What do all of these words have in common?  They are all calming, happy, warm words.  We all become stressed when we are asked to be patient.  Just the phrase “be patient” can send one into a frenzy, it makes us nervous that we don’t know what is coming next.
If we can take a deep breath when we need to exercise patience and remember the key words, quiet, steady, even-tempered care it will help us to think about patience in a different light.  I wish I would have had those words two years ago, I may not have been so stressed out.  Also, take a look at the first two definitions; the word “annoyance” is used.  THAT is what I was focused on during my struggle and when you are annoyed you are stressed.  At the time it seemed like nothing was going my way and with every annoyance I was losing my patience.
Luckily for me once the divorce was final I had a support system in place to help me become quiet, steady and even-tempered and in turn I have learned to be patient.  Well for the most part anyway.
Most recently I am learning to ride out the events of my life and enjoy each and every moment.  I am embracing every new experience with a quiet, steady and even-tempered pace and I am a much happier person.  I no longer feel annoyed by not knowing what the end result will be and I am free to sit back and enjoy what is to come.  I no longer think of the hour-glass when I’m exercising my patience instead I am in a serene setting.
I don’t want to sound cliché but I highly recommend taking the time to smell the roses and let them bloom in their own time.
Kimberly
Courageous Butterfly
4/19/12

Be The CUP

Published on by Kimberly NovakLeave a comment

Is your CUP 1/2 full or 1/2 empty?

We have all uttered that phrase on one or more occasion and I’m sure you have also been asked to answer it.  The rule is that if someone says their cup is half full they are a positive person and if someone says their cup is half empty they are a negative person.  Let’s think about the person who says ” I Am The Cup”.

I will be totally honest and tell you that during my time of trial I was the half empty girl.  I was constantly focused on the negative aspects of what I was going through never realizing that I am the cup and therefore I can control its contents.  In fact, I didn’t realize that until today.  The last few years have been full of negativity which I assumed was brought on by the situation when in fact I could have decided to handle that trial with a totally different outlook.

One of the reasons I developed this blog is because I don’t want others to be where I was when I went through my struggle.  I want to be able to reach out to others and tell them what I didn’t see until now.  I think being able to be in control of your feelings during your struggle and being the one to choose if your glass is half empty, half full or if in fact you can become the glass is HUGE!  I was so focused on the “bad” because I could not find good in my situation.  Had I taken a moment to realize that even though what I was going through was not what I wanted or chose, it was happening.  It was a fact of life I could not stop and I was the only one with the power to make the best of it.  

We all have the power to be the CUP.  We control the contents and we have the power to decide how we will react, how we will feel and how we will let it affect our lives.  When I realized this today I felt empowered!  I feel like I can make real changes in my life that will be beneficial to me and others around me.  I know things turned out the way they did for a reason, it was God’s plan, however I also know that had I used this knowledge two years ago my outlook on my new life would have been 100% better.  I would have been more confident in knowing that I made my choices because I was the one in control of what was in my CUP.

Take the time to reflect and ask yourself  “can you be the CUP”?  Once you decide you are the CUP, only you hold its contents.  Do not let what is going on in your life control what is in your cup.  Instead, control your reaction to what it is you are dealing with.

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

4/17/12