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Proud Moments

Published on by Kimberly Novak7 Comments

proud_of_myself_by_edwmix-d2ymmn3Even though you are looking at the title of this post, I am sitting here tonight really unsure of what I want it to be.  That is very rare as my posts are created from the topic.  I’m trying to determine if I made a step forward tonight or if I merely  reminded myself of a past hurt.  Let me set the scene for you and then maybe a title will pop into my head.

 

After working a long day and feeling very tired I ventured out to a high school sporting event with my hair in a messy pony, wearing mom jeans, and tennis shoes.  I really didn’t feel I had anyone to impress so primping before an 8 pm game on a Wednesday night would’ve been just more work for me at this point.

We all know that every divorced relationship is different, some people come out of it still friends, others are OK with saying hello and goodbye and the rest have no communication at all.  Mine for the most part has been the latter.  Until tonight.  Shortly after arriving I found myself in a very civil conversation with he, she and my son.  I do believe that this is the very first time I have spoken to him with my kids around since the divorce happened.  At the time I was not really aware of my emotional state.  I can tell you that I was not shaking; my voice did not seem to be trembling; and I don’t think I broke out in hives, which is a normal stress response for me.   The conversation lasted about 15 minutes and actually it felt a lot shorter to me, but maybe that is because I was in such a shock that it was actually happening.

There was laughing; no dirty looks; and I even made eye contact.  When our little chat ended,  I headed off to my seat  in a daze.  It took me a minute to let it all soak in and that’s when the flood gates opened.  I sat there in awe that I was able to converse with him and really have a conversation.  At no time during the talking did I think in my head that I needed to get out of there, which is something I would’ve done in the past.

My initial reaction was that I had just climbed a very big mountain and I didn’t fall off.  After checking myself for hives I felt proud, but then I remembered  I looked like crap!  Had I known that was going to take place I may have brushed my hair or at least put on non-mom jeans.

Once I realized that I had survived that moment the tears were almost uncontrollable  and that’s when the hurt wanted to creep back in. My brain wanted to recall painful memories and it was all I could do to not let myself go there.  That’s when I started to become confused.  and had to ask myself was this was a good thing or a bad thing.  Yes I made a very good accomplishment tonight, but is it always going to bring up those memories?

I felt like a fool crying and I hoped that they did not see that happening.  I know circumstances like this will come up again and again, there is no avoiding them.  Learning how to cope and trying not to let those flashes of the past interfere with my proud moments will be the challenge.  blue butterfly

As of now I’m glad it happened, I know that I am getting stronger that is for sure!  And HEY!!! Look up one line there is my title!↑

Maybe, just maybe I took a step tonight towards my first flight from the chrysalis.

Do you have a similar story? Or comment?  Please share

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

12/3/14

 

 

Be Weird With Me…I DARE YOU!

Published on by Kimberly Novak5 Comments

weirdI started off my day today being called weird, I found that to be odd.  I know, as most of you probably do, that I may have a little touch of crazy within me, but I never anticipated being called weird.

The holidays are just around the corner and many of us who have faced a loss can struggle with missing  tradition, family moments, and having that someone special to share it all with.  Well, would you think me weird or crazy if I told you that what I seem to be missing most is something that I never really had?  Yes it sounds strange, but I have a feeling it happens more often than not.

OK, now here is where it get’s really goofy.  I miss words…..yes I said words.   A writer who misses words, go figure.  In my mind they are not just letters formed together that sound good; yet they will seem simple to anyone who isn’t me.  During my marriage, my ex and I had totally different schedules, he worked and I was a Domestic Goddess, or Household Engineer.  His schedule was more specific than mine and he needed to be up very early most mornings.  I on the other hand, arose a bit later and by the time I was getting up, he had already left for work.  I cannot begin to count the times I would hope that we could awake together and there were even days when I planned to be up when he was, but he was an early riser and always seemed to beat me to the punch.

I never in a million years thought that I would long for the moment when I could awake, look over at the person I loved and say “Good Morning”.  Sure, I’ve said that phrase many times before to a lot of people, but for me in the context of arising in the morning and looking right into the eyes of my love, it takes on an entirely different meaning.

I would like to cite an example of how that phrase could take on an emotion or notion.  Bless his heart, Robin Williams is very well-known for the movie Good Morning Vietnam.  It’s a comedy, it’s somewhat fictional, and we all laugh when we watch it.  I’d like to ask, have you ever taken a moment to think about how some of the soldiers would have felt when they heard that phrase every morning during his broadcast?  They were all away from family, they were longing to be home, to see, feel and touch their loved ones.  To me that phrase was their hope.  When they heard it each dawn, it was another moment that they had survived and took them one day closer to the end of their tour.

So here is why I was called weird today.  Ready?  Well I attach a romantic emotion to the phrase “Good Morning” as well as “Good Night”.  I’d like to say I’m saving it for that special person or the special moment when I am blessed to look over as I awake and be able to mutter those two simple little words.   I refuse to use them loosely out of politeness because they mean so much more to me, and if I’m weird because of it then that’s OK to.  good-morning-9218

Here is your homework, think of something, it can be words, items, colors, music, anything just pick a noun, but one that is important to you but may seem weird to someone else.  Then share it here and show all of us out there how one simple, strange, weird, or odd thing means the world to you….. I DARE YOU to be weird with me. 🙂

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

11/6/14

Related blogs/links

Good Morning Vietnam

11 Eerie Cosmic Signs From The Universe You’ve Definitely Experienced At Least Once

Patience As Your Armour

Published on by Kimberly NovakLeave a comment

hope tool boxJust when you think things are getting better, it happens AGAIN!  Of course, we know that is what life is all about.  The ups, the downs, the happy as well as sad.  I had spent an entire year preparing for something that was to have taken place last weekend, but I was struck down with the flu virus.  And not just the 24 hour or even 4 day flu, it was the 7 day tied to the couch illness.  One week from receiving my flu shot of course.  But the flu is not the purpose for this post today, it is learning that when we are fighting a foe, patience isn’t always the easiest.

Often during my divorce there were times when I was being referred to as “a patient woman”.  It wasn’t just from one person, I was hearing this phrase over and over again from various people in my life.  Each of those people serving a different purpose and all having totally different experiences with me than the other.  I would almost laugh out loud every time I heard that title because I never felt it.  Other than just on one occasion, I could not see what they were,  as far as having one shred of patience coming through me.  I felt quite the opposite.

The phrase was even uttered to me as early as the first meeting with my attorney, way before I began my quest to become a butterfly.  Now I can see how it goes hand in hand with the patience our friend the caterpillar has to cling to in order to make its ultimate transformation.  So, this time around I decided to hold my focus on being patient, not just with the virus, but also letting go of the fact that maybe I was not supposed to accomplish the task I had been preparing for, just yet anyway.  If I am patient and content with the way things turned out, I am confident my day will come and if not then I know there are bigger and better things ahead.  I could have pouted this entire week, that would not have produced anything.  I spent my days doing things I usually don’t have time for and because of that I know that I want to make time for them in my life.  Being tolerant this week has given me a chance to grow within myself, as if I were in a cocoon.

patience-quotes-2Many of the outcomes of my divorce were surprises to me and not what I had expected or anticipated, just at this past weekend.  However, the divorce produced new life, new change and a chance to grow and strengthen, as well as this past weekend.  I’m seeing a pattern here.  Both of these instances were successes in my life and should not be seen as anything less.   This time I could see it quicker and more clearly because I knew what to look for.

As far as I am concerned, I was given another chance to hone in on those “skills”, strengthen my Armour so to speak.  I will choose not to focus on what I may have missed out on because the happenstance produced a gift, one that I may not have received had I not spent that year preparing.   Instead I will treasure the chance I had, the way I have grown out of the struggle, and the wisdom to know that my Armour is still in tact.

I look at this as Step 1 on my new journey; taking the time to discover the hidden gifts that I am carrying with me, that were all a result of my challenge.  I look forward to seeing what is next and what other life techniques will be unearthed.

Have you found a new skill or one that you thought was lost since enduring your change?  Please comment.

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

10/11/14

Related links/blogs

Patience……

I Can’t Wait

Practicing Patience and Positivity