Even though you are looking at the title of this post, I am sitting here tonight really unsure of what I want it to be. That is very rare as my posts are created from the topic. I’m trying to determine if I made a step forward tonight or if I merely reminded myself of a past hurt. Let me set the scene for you and then maybe a title will pop into my head.
After working a long day and feeling very tired I ventured out to a high school sporting event with my hair in a messy pony, wearing mom jeans, and tennis shoes. I really didn’t feel I had anyone to impress so primping before an 8 pm game on a Wednesday night would’ve been just more work for me at this point.
We all know that every divorced relationship is different, some people come out of it still friends, others are OK with saying hello and goodbye and the rest have no communication at all. Mine for the most part has been the latter. Until tonight. Shortly after arriving I found myself in a very civil conversation with he, she and my son. I do believe that this is the very first time I have spoken to him with my kids around since the divorce happened. At the time I was not really aware of my emotional state. I can tell you that I was not shaking; my voice did not seem to be trembling; and I don’t think I broke out in hives, which is a normal stress response for me. The conversation lasted about 15 minutes and actually it felt a lot shorter to me, but maybe that is because I was in such a shock that it was actually happening.
There was laughing; no dirty looks; and I even made eye contact. When our little chat ended, I headed off to my seat in a daze. It took me a minute to let it all soak in and that’s when the flood gates opened. I sat there in awe that I was able to converse with him and really have a conversation. At no time during the talking did I think in my head that I needed to get out of there, which is something I would’ve done in the past.
My initial reaction was that I had just climbed a very big mountain and I didn’t fall off. After checking myself for hives I felt proud, but then I remembered I looked like crap! Had I known that was going to take place I may have brushed my hair or at least put on non-mom jeans.
Once I realized that I had survived that moment the tears were almost uncontrollable and that’s when the hurt wanted to creep back in. My brain wanted to recall painful memories and it was all I could do to not let myself go there. That’s when I started to become confused. and had to ask myself was this was a good thing or a bad thing. Yes I made a very good accomplishment tonight, but is it always going to bring up those memories?
I felt like a fool crying and I hoped that they did not see that happening. I know circumstances like this will come up again and again, there is no avoiding them. Learning how to cope and trying not to let those flashes of the past interfere with my proud moments will be the challenge.
As of now I’m glad it happened, I know that I am getting stronger that is for sure! And HEY!!! Look up one line there is my title!↑
Maybe, just maybe I took a step tonight towards my first flight from the chrysalis.
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