Proud Moments


proud_of_myself_by_edwmix-d2ymmn3Even though you are looking at the title of this post, I am sitting here tonight really unsure of what I want it to be.  That is very rare as my posts are created from the topic.  I’m trying to determine if I made a step forward tonight or if I merely  reminded myself of a past hurt.  Let me set the scene for you and then maybe a title will pop into my head.

 

After working a long day and feeling very tired I ventured out to a high school sporting event with my hair in a messy pony, wearing mom jeans, and tennis shoes.  I really didn’t feel I had anyone to impress so primping before an 8 pm game on a Wednesday night would’ve been just more work for me at this point.

We all know that every divorced relationship is different, some people come out of it still friends, others are OK with saying hello and goodbye and the rest have no communication at all.  Mine for the most part has been the latter.  Until tonight.  Shortly after arriving I found myself in a very civil conversation with he, she and my son.  I do believe that this is the very first time I have spoken to him with my kids around since the divorce happened.  At the time I was not really aware of my emotional state.  I can tell you that I was not shaking; my voice did not seem to be trembling; and I don’t think I broke out in hives, which is a normal stress response for me.   The conversation lasted about 15 minutes and actually it felt a lot shorter to me, but maybe that is because I was in such a shock that it was actually happening.

There was laughing; no dirty looks; and I even made eye contact.  When our little chat ended,  I headed off to my seat  in a daze.  It took me a minute to let it all soak in and that’s when the flood gates opened.  I sat there in awe that I was able to converse with him and really have a conversation.  At no time during the talking did I think in my head that I needed to get out of there, which is something I would’ve done in the past.

My initial reaction was that I had just climbed a very big mountain and I didn’t fall off.  After checking myself for hives I felt proud, but then I remembered  I looked like crap!  Had I known that was going to take place I may have brushed my hair or at least put on non-mom jeans.

Once I realized that I had survived that moment the tears were almost uncontrollable  and that’s when the hurt wanted to creep back in. My brain wanted to recall painful memories and it was all I could do to not let myself go there.  That’s when I started to become confused.  and had to ask myself was this was a good thing or a bad thing.  Yes I made a very good accomplishment tonight, but is it always going to bring up those memories?

I felt like a fool crying and I hoped that they did not see that happening.  I know circumstances like this will come up again and again, there is no avoiding them.  Learning how to cope and trying not to let those flashes of the past interfere with my proud moments will be the challenge.  blue butterfly

As of now I’m glad it happened, I know that I am getting stronger that is for sure!  And HEY!!! Look up one line there is my title!↑

Maybe, just maybe I took a step tonight towards my first flight from the chrysalis.

Do you have a similar story? Or comment?  Please share

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

12/3/14

 

 

Overcoming


pause“You can’t fast forward something that hasn’t happened yet, pause press and enjoy the moment”.  I wrote that quote at the beginning of this week and have been staring at it since then.  Some days it made me feel stuck, other’s it helped me to just enjoy the day without worrying about the next.  Tonight it finds me sad and excited at the same time.

I”m sitting in a house that I’ve tried to refinance three times with no luck.  Three strikes and your out as the saying goes.  According to my divorce decree that means it must be sold.  Ironically it is a house I really never wanted to be in and I’ve put in an insane amount of blood, sweat and tears.  I”m not exaggerating either, this project has taken its toll on me.  I am at a point now where I need to finish what I have started and move on.  The house came with my divorce and it holds some pretty messed up memories for me.  Well, not my memories, my fears come to pass.

During this time, my only recourse was to make it my own.  I’ve been told several times that I have accomplished just that.  However, in the process of “making it my own” I have had to deal with the demons that have controlled my thoughts in each and every room of the house.  I cannot remember a day when I have not woken up to the thoughts of what went on here prior to my obtaining the home.  Falling asleep each and every night  with those same thoughts, it is a wonder I am not insane!   Even though some may argue that.

Getting this place ready for the market is going to take a couple more months of work and money, both of which I am running out of energy for.  This entire process has been very stressful and I really need to curtail that somehow.  I’ve tried on several occasions to just “live in the moment” but thoughts of the upcoming weight I will have with trying to sell this place always creep in.  Then there are the days when I picture it sold and I become very excited at first because I will be free of those thoughts and memories of what was here before me.  Unfortunately, those pictures into the future also include the urgency of packing and moving yet again.

Today I took the afternoon not to fast forward in to the future but to just “be”.  I sat outside on the porch which held a very significant moment of my divorce and I stayed there for nearly three hours.  I didn’t think about tomorrow, selling, work, money or moving.  I just sat.  I took in the sounds of nature, the warmth of the sun and I enjoyed that moment.sunlight

Last night a placed a rather unusual sign in the yard that says “For Sale Soon”.  That moment was defining for me, not only letting the community know that it will be on the market in a short time, but letting myself know that in time,  I will be able to release all of those thoughts, memories and fears that have been weighing on my mind for so long.  I’m sure that sign will make most chuckle and may even be confusing to some and to that I say, “oh well”.  That sign for me is a stepping stone towards healing and peace, which I desperately need at this point in time, before I embark on my next journey.  To quote yet another memorable saying, there is a light at the end of my tunnel; knowing how long that tunnel is, well that’s just not possible.

Have you ever questioned the length of your tunnel?  I welcome your comments.

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

4/13/13

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