Author: Kimberly Novak

The length of time the caterpillar stays in the chrysalis before transformation happens depends on the species.  Some take only weeks others can take months.  This is also true for us humans!  Some of us will go through a difficult situation and be able to heal from it very quickly, others will take weeks, months, even years.

I wanted to post this topic for discussion because yesterday I realized I’m still very much in the healing process.  Even though I’ve begun my transformation out of the chrysalis I am still dealing with the pain of my situation.   I was at work doing what I do and was asked one simple question:

“How are you doing”?

I did not even stop to think how I wanted to answer that; it all just came pouring out.  Suddenly I found myself in tears telling this person how I REALLY was.  I did not fake it, or say I was doing well when I really wasn’t.  I had done this in the past when asked that same question.  I would put on a happy face  and lie through my teeth.

After that conversation I thought to myself “you did it”  you have made it through another transformation step.  I can admit how I’m feeling and in doing so can work through those feelings and continue to heal.  It turned out to be a really good conversation for me with that person.  I talked through only what I was feeling at the time, not everything I had gone, through just what I was dealing with in that moment.

The next time someone asks “How are you doing”?  don’t think about your answer and you may surprise yourself when you can answer honestly and you also will be continuing to heal.

Courageous Butterfly

1/4/12

How should friends who are married be supportive of their divorced friends?

April 18, 2011

Hello fellow blogger’s I’m excited to say that I did receive a topic suggestion from a reader, well from a friend but that’s ok (thank you to my dear friend for believing in me).  I love the topic and I ‘m grateful that I even received a suggestion, please keep them coming. I save the third Monday of the month to blog about the suggested topics, so don’t be shy I’d love to hear what you would like to blog about.

Ok so let’s get to this topic “How should friends who are married be supportive of their divorced friends”?  Well…..my married friends you know who you are, and I need to take this moment to just thank you for being there for me, you all obviously know the answer to this question because you all knew what I needed and knew how to support me during that crazy time!  A true friend is by your side no matter what is going on in your life and if they happen to be married then I feel it’s a two for one deal!  During my divorce I had best friends who just happened to be very happily married and I found it to be a benefit.  When I needed to talk to them and ask advice or just to vent I found that because they were happily married they tended not to focus on the failed marriage and instead made it a point to help me focus on what was ahead.  I haven’t met a women yet who while going through her divorce focused on what was ahead.  When you go through a divorce you are only focused on the now, on your world that is crumbling beneath your feet.  Sometimes it would just be to help me focus on the next day, but still they were keeping me moving forward.  They also helped me to see the positive side of my marriage, and again there are not too many women out there who can focus on the positive side of their failing marriage while they are going through their divorce. 

Not only did my married friends support me with open arms but their spouses did also, and that meant a lot to me.  I was afraid maybe their spouses would think that I was bad mouthing marriage; it was the opposite because of the love and support I was getting from my married friends.  I was welcomed at their homes for dinner, and welcomed when I just needed a quiet place to sleep away from my reality. 

I will always be surrounded by people who are happily married and surrounded by people who have not gone through a divorce and it’s ok. I feel as long as I have the love and support of the people in my life that I love and that love me then that’s all I need.  So…all you happy married people out there…if you have a friend going through a divorce I hope my remarks have helped you to determine how you would like to be supportive for them. 

Kimberly, Courageous Butterfly

Discovering the Truth

 I have to admit this topic will probably be my hardest to talk about so I will do my best.  I also want to explain that in order to protect my family I will not be discussing detailed facts from my story.  My purpose for this blog is to just share emotions and feelings with other women who have gone through or are going through a divorce so that we can grow and move on together.

 Discovering the truth requires a lot of soul searching and for me it was admitting that I had failed.  It wasn’t that something had failed me or that someone had done something wrong to me, it was admitting to me that if I would just sit down and listen the truth would set me free.  Yes I know that is a saying “The Truth Will Set You Free”, and I found that it does work.  What did it set me free from?  It set me free from my failure, no matter who is at fault, once the complete truth comes out there is a feeling of freedom, probably from both sides, although I can only speak for myself.  The truth set me free from further worry, further wondering, further pain and I was free to move on with my life. 

 If you doubt the truth no matter what your situation is, then seek it, and look for it.  But most importantly look into your soul, your soul and you are the only ones who truly know what you are feeling, and if you are feeling that something is a little off then do what you need to do to react to it.  Some people wait too long, some react too soon, but only you know when the right time is. 

 Discovering the truth is a major step because you also have to admit your failure; if you choose to ignore the truth then you are not admitting your failure which for a short time will feel good, but it’s not good for long term.   If you choose to ignore what is really happening then you are only failing yourself.  No one wants to be considered a failure especially when it comes to a relationship, it takes a mature person to admit they failed and accept the truth only then will you be at peace and be able to move on.

 Recently I was asked to admit a failure and when I spoke it out loud it meant so much more to me.  I know what my failure was; I had failed myself by not allowing myself to see the honesty I was sensing.  Even though 60 percent of marriages today end in divorce there is still the stigma of being labeled Divorced.  That is a failure in anyone’s eyes but it doesn’t have to be.  If you are true to yourself and you try your best even if you end up in a divorce at the end it could still be your victory not your failure.   I wasn’t true to myself and that is where I see that I failed but I’ve admitted that to myself and now I can be at peace with  it and move on and seek out my victory.

 In order to discover the truth you have to admit your failures, you also have to admit your strengths and I have found I have a lot more strength than I ever thought I did and my divorce brought those strengths out.  If you can combine your strengths with your failures when you find the truth you will be free.   You will be amazed at the strength you have inside of you at your darkest moment, your strengths will come out.

 There is a difference between being free and at peace and being free from the pain.  I can’t say how long the pain will last that is just human nature, we all feel emotional pain, but when you can admit the truth to yourself and deep into your soul you will have a feeling of peace and that feeling will free you.  You may still feel sad and upset and even angry but deep down you will be at peace.  When I discovered the truth  HAD set me free I cried, I had feelings of sadness but also feelings of peace, I reconciled with myself for my failure and I’m moving on. 

Ok, I counted the number of times in this post that I mentioned the words failure, failed, failing, etc.  I counted 14 but the topic is “Discovering the Truth” why does it reflect feelings of failure?  Because in the case of any divorce the truth goes along with a failure, whether it be on both sides, or even just one side failure is a part of life and you cannot get to the truth until you admit the failure.

 Admitting my failure to get to the truth was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.   When I finally admitted my failure to myself that’s when the strength came out and that strength will lead to my victory. 

 I hope I can reach out to other’s to encourage you to seek your truth and admit your failures so that you can be at peace and let your strength lead you to your victory, everyone fails but those who can admit it will go on to seek truth and victory.

Love,

Kimberly, Courageous Butterfly