Author: Kimberly Novak

I wanted to begin totally off topic first and let you all know that I’ve become completely addicted to post it notes!  Since I began writing this blog I hear topics in almost every conversation I have.  For instance today at work I was speaking with a co-worker and within what she was saying I heard the words “taking charge and moving forward”.  I cannot even tell you what we were talking about because all I heard was that blog title.  When I hear a line like that I immediately write it on a post it note and set it aside until I can tie it in with my words.  Sometimes it may take a couple of days before I’m ready to let my fingers hit the keyboard, but not today!  I have been looking at the post it note all day and I could not wait until I had the time to sit down and write.

Taking charge and moving forward, I believe I am.  I’ve had a lot of stress over the past year and way too many decisions that needed to be made and my initial reaction was to retreat and let someone else figure it out for me.  In some instances I did just that and in other’s I made a guess as to what I should do.  In light of what I went through, I didn’t feel like I had a very good track record of  making good decisions.  In fact, one of the major decisions I did end up making  turned out to be a major “I told you so” moment.

In a strange twist of fate it was the ” I told you so” moment that has pushed me into realizing that it’s now or never;  I have to make the decision to take charge of my life or I will never be able to move forward.  I’ve made a couple of  big decisions and things seem to  be moving into place, slowly but at a pace where I know I can remain in control.

I know I’m still going to have challenges ahead but they are my challenges to face.  I am now the only one in control of my life.  I have finally made the one decision that I know will move me forward!  I cannot wait to see where my new life takes me and I can honestly say I’m ready for the ride!

Courageous Butterfly 2/27/12

And a Very Happy 16th Birthday to my son 😉

Sometimes we find ourselves at a point in our lives when we are faced with the option to either Sink or Swim.   We’ve all heard people say “I always have bad luck”, or “nothing ever seems to go right for me”.  The truth is they may be correct.  Something may have happened in their lives to bring them to the place where they are today.  It would’ve been a job loss, divorce, or the end of a relationship, or any major life changing event.   This event may have placed them in what they see is a continual round of bad luck.  I compare that place to someone treading water.  You can only tread water for so long eventually you have to make the choice to either sink or swim.

I was also faced with that choice during my divorce.   I was a stay at home mom for 12 years and NEVER imagined I would be faced with the fact that I may not live with my kids on a full-time basis.  That reality hit halfway through the divorce when I learned a court appointed guardian would be making the biggest decision of my life.  After several months in a courtroom I was told my kids would live with their dad.  I was devastated, hurt and scared to death of what that change would do to my life.

The concept of change to most of us brings intense fear to the point where we want to run in the other direction.   I felt myself going there that day.  I wanted to just curl up and not face that unwelcome change that was about to take place.  I was sinking and I was going down fast.   It took just a few months to realize that even though I would not be in the same house with my kids, they still needed me.  I was angry with myself for wanting to make the choice to sink because it seemed like the only way out of the pain I was feeling.  I had to make the decision to swim.  Through reflection and counsel I was able to find a way to do just that.

Here I was faced with the biggest change of my life and I survived it.  I’m still swimming even though I still have days where I feel like the tide is pulling me in.  On those days I cling to a raft, which could be a friend, a song, a bible passage or just my own reflecting on where I am in my life today.  And I always come to the realization that because I was able to swim through that change it has made me a better mother, a better friend and in general a better person.

Always remember if the caterpillar had chosen to ignore her inevitable change, she would not have survived.

Courageous Butterfly

2/24/12

While driving home today I was inspired by song lyrics on a new CD I had gotten over the weekend.  I didn’t think I had heard the song before until I went on youtube and realized not only had I heard the song, I had tried to send the link to a friend a couple of months back but the link did not attach to the message.  This song obviously wants me to pay attention to it so I decided I’d make it the topic of my blog today.

The lyrics that call out to  me are:

These arms are holding you
This love will see you through
When you smile and you laugh but you’re fakin’
Cause you don’t know how you’re gonna make it
You feel so much pain
And you can’t see your way
You’re not alone

When you try not to cry but to take it
All the stress, and the hurt and the heartache
You may feel pain, You’re not alone.

While suffering through the divorce I did just what is spoken in the first verse.  Very often I wore that fake smile and there were many nights I would go to sleep not knowing how I was going to make it through the intense pain I was feeling.    I even closed myself off to people closest to me in my life out of fear of letting them see what I was truly feeling.  Anyone that has suffered a loss of a loved one knows that it is very important to talk through the grief, not to keep it all locked up inside of you.  I had suffered the loss of my marriage and I hadn’t taken the time to properly grieve.

I think a big part of it was I didn’t want to be a burden to my family and friends.  I felt like I had put them through enough over the past two years and they didn’t need to hear anymore of it.     About six months after the divorce I started a new friendship with someone who had gone through a similar experience at almost the same exact time I had.  I found myself being able to open up to this person. Not only because it was someone I hadn’t dumped on yet, but because my feelings were being understood by someone who had also lived through it.  I never thought I would be able to discuss what I was going through with someone who at the time I was not very close to.  That relationship has been a very important part in my healing process.  I have been able to walk through a lot of what I’ve been feeling, get it all out and discuss it.   Which has brought me to where I am today.  Now I can discuss openly why I’m feeling the way I do and I’m able to find ways to move past it and put it behind me.

When I heard this song today I realized that I am moving through this journey.  In the beginning I was hiding it like in the first verse but now I am at the point in the second verse.  I try not to cry but there are days when I will; I still feel stress and heartache; I know I still will feel pain; and most importantly I’m Not Alone!

I wanted to make sure I reminded you that You Are Not Alone either.    I encourage you to find someone you can confide in openly and honestly.  Someone you can trust with your true feelings, who won’t judge you for your decisions and who will help you on your journey to complete the process.

Tears are healing and with each one I feel like I am getting closer to being able to embrace my transformation and the new life ahead of me.

Courageous Butterfly

2/19/12

If you are interested in the entire song it’s Jamie Grace Not Alone

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AbRQvrBgCJA