Author: Kimberly Novak

It’s Spring cleaning time!  Yep, that time of year when we all get out our special mops, rags, gloves and Windex.  I was doing just that at my place of work this week and stumbled upon a couple of documents that I had stuffed in a file with my name on it.  They were divorce documents that were faxed to my attorney at one point during those God awful months.  So what did I do when I found them? Well instead of just plopping them into the shredder I sat there and read each one!  I didn’t even think about what I was doing.  I had a feeling of curiosity over my own documents!  As if I had forgotten the details they held, I angrily read them over and then, deposited them into the shredder.

Finding those documents was a not so gentle reminder that I have an entire box in my bedroom closet.  It has always been refered to as my “divorce-in-a-box”.  It holds every piece of mail sent back and forth to the all important lawyer.  Journal entries, notes for my counselor or the court appointed guardian and the dreaded photos.  Oh we cannot forget the print out’s and photo copies from email, social media and personal files.

Here’s the funny part (or insane) I have moved twice since my divorce was final, which means I have packed up and moved that box twice!  I had not one, but two opportunities to trash it, burn it, or run it over with the car.  Tonight I am asking myself, why in the world is it still here?  Why did I take the time and energy to move it and place it safely in my closet when I arrived at each new location?

If I think back to the first move into my cute cozy condo,  I can recall thinking that maybe I would be asked to recall some of that information if anything was brought up immediately following the final date.  You know, maybe if someone needed a copy of something or the lawyer just needed confirmation on an article that she may have overlooked.  I”m sure that sounded logical then.

So let’s take a look at the second move,into the home that haunts me.  I cannot tell you why I unpacked it and put it away.  I remember seeing the words on the outside of the box identifying the contents and I was emotionless.  My only thought was stick it high on a shelf and forget about it.  I don’t know why I thought just putting it out of sight would make me forget about it; that is obviously not happening.

Since it is Spring Cleaning time and I am gearing up to pack up this house in hopes it will sell soon, I think it is time to FINALLY rid myself of that box.  I’m thinking a girls-night bon fire would work, or maybe just a quiet night alone with the shredder and a glass of wine.  I even thought about taking it out to the Island house that has been so helpful in my healing.  I don’t think the way I dispose of it really matters; what matters is that I destroy it so that I do not move it to my future home.  It is time to stop taking my past hurts with me and start over with a fresh, clean, clutter-free closet, heart and mind.

Do you have a “divorce box”? Share in the comments.

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

4/23/14

Related links/blogs

Learning To Let Go For Dummies, The Singing Paper Panda

Keep The Faith, Natural Health Synergy

Letting Go: The Easy Solution or a Courageous Decision?, Starting From The Beginning

The past two days for me have been a literal whirlwind due to vertigo setting in.  Aside from the dizziness, nausea, and killer headaches, I had a sense that I have had these feelings before, and I don’t mean the last time I had a vertigo episode.  So this morning I carefully leapt to my computer and googled the definition of vertigo and this is what Webster says:   a sensation of whirling and loss of balance, associated particularly with looking down from a great height, or caused by disease affecting the inner ear or the vestibular nerve; giddiness.

Holy Hell, this definition almost describes my life during the divorce to a tee!  There were  times I had the sensation of whirling and loss of balance on a daily basis.   Living in the same house together for those nearly two years was pretty stressful.  I  remember waking up  feeling that my life was spinning out of control and I couldn’t do anything about it.   The days that I sat by the phone waiting for updates from the lawyer and those times dreading going to talk it all out with the counselor was enough to make anything spin.  Balanced, I certainly was not.  Instead I was a mess of a woman, trying to function as best I could at motherhood and to a small degree, keeping my sanity.  Yesterday, feeling the way I did with the vertigo reminded me of that time in my life.  The nausea sent some kind of signal to my brain saying “hey!  we have done this before”.

As far as the looking down from a great height goes I can attribute that to wanting to be at the top of my game.  I wanted so badly to be able to climb to great heights with my new job, with attempting to start a new life and most of all with showing my kids that we would all come out of this ok.  I’ve posted about emotional memory as well as a post on how stress can make you sick, and with this latest bout  I can honestly say that the feelings of this illness are exactly as those I had during my divorce.

I don’t know if stress can cause the later part of the definition affecting the ear but it can certainly cause giddiness!  There were countless times I used humor to get me through my days and nights.  I would often make fun of responses I had to my friends when being asked how I was doing.  If I hadn’t kept my humor and enjoyed some giddy moments I feared I would end up in a dark place.  Everything is always better with a smile, no matter how bad it is getting.

Here’s how I see it, even though today my vertigo is being caused by a medical condition, I am being treated for, I can certainly attest to the fact that the symptoms can also be achieved or felt by an insane amount of stress in one’s life.  Pay attention to what your body is telling you and try not to deny it.  I have found it is better to let yourself feel it no matter how much you fear it.  If you are under that much stress that it is causing you physical symptoms…talk to someone and treat yourself to one hell of a massage!!!  Doctor’s orders.

Have you had an illness that resembled feelings you felt during a stressful time?  Please share in the comments.

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

4/18/14

Related Links/Blogs

This Is The Stuff, Francesca Battistelli

When Everything Is Spinning, Sacha C

New Beginnings, Cheese and Apple