Tag: transformation

Turn Signal… It’s time For A New Journey

Published on by Kimberly Novak6 Comments

195362657 (2)“Say goodbye to where you’ve been and tell your heart to beat again” are the lyrics that have been burning through me over the last few weeks.  I’ve been grappling with decisions on where to plant my feet and start my new beginning and making those choices has been crazy. I’ve had to think through so much  in the last few years that I just could not do this last one, even though it was possibly the most important.  I couldn’t do it.  Each time I thought I knew what I wanted I would change my mind again.  I was going in complete circles and not ending up where I knew I needed to be, but did I really know where that was?

This is another situation where I may have looked to be strong and handling everything ok, but inside it wasn’t happening.  There was a time in my marriage when I had my doubts and suspicions and I chose not to act on them and when I did, those concerns were belittled and brushed aside.  The past four years I have been reliving that memory on a daily basis, it is my route home, and each time I take it I see it clear as day.

We had left the same time that fall day, the kids and I headed out and he to work.  His car moved ahead of mine and got a couple of car lengths ahead but I could still see it.  I looked up and saw I was being stopped by the red light and followed his car with my eyes as he ventured forward.  Just as the light turned green I saw it….the turn signal, he was making a left even though he should have been going straight.  I had driven that path before certain that I would see what I thought in my heart was happening, but never did.  I had a choice to make and having my children in the car I chose to go on with our day and question it later.  

I’ve never forgotten that moment, each day when I hit that left signal to return home I see it happening again, only this time I am the one going to that destination and I have no idea how or why I chose to end up here.  For some reason since I got the news the house has sold and I”ll soon be free to make my new beginning that flashback is even more clear to me.  I don’t know if that memory was holding me back from making the decision on where I want to start over but I know my heart needs to make a clean break.

Over the past two days I have finally made my choice and it is to take that leap.  I can’t stay a prisoner in this town and relive all those moments over and over again.  I have found  a place that makes me smile, it’s pretty and shiny and happy!!  A little pricey but hey, it’s well worth it.  The emotions I have right now are unremarkable, just knowing that I will not have to drive that path again and see that left turn signal, instead I will be going straight on my new path, not looking back and free.  dreamer

I have no idea what is in store for me but I know I will be comfortable and happy, and maybe will even be able to find out who I am.  I know it’s a cliché to say you have to find yourself, but it’s true.  When you have been through a loss and a trauma that turns your world inside out, it transforms you into someone you never thought you would be.  I need to find Kimberly, get to know her and together she and I will embark on this new journey.

Is there a memory that is holding you back?  Please share.

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

8/10/14

Related topics/blogs

Tell Your Heart To Beat Again, Danny Goke

52 Opportunities For A New Beginning, Insight From A Woman’s Heart

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The Gloves Are Off….Healing In The Moment

Published on by Kimberly Novak3 Comments

glvoesOk, here goes nothing!  Those were my thoughts this afternoon as she headed to my way.  At first I thought I was dreaming.
Sitting in my car in the driveway of what was once my marital home to pick up the kids and I saw her through the window.  I froze at first not sure how to handle this.  The last time we said one word to each other it was….well, actually it was very civilized.  But that’s a story for my next book.  Anyway, there I was not knowing what I should do and the little voice inside me said, “Kimberly, open the window and keep your hands safely on the wheel, make sure your foot is off the gas and the car is in park”.  Any unintentional accident needed to be avoided.

She had a reasonable question concerning one of my kids .  I knew I had to answer, I took in a breath and answered as cool and calmly as I could making sure I had a nice friendly smile on my face.   I was having an exceptionally good hair day, was dressed for a family party so I think I was looking pretty darn good.  With a small but noticeable flip of my freshly styled summer blonde hair I gave her the answer she was looking for.  We continued to chat as if we were the best of friends, (not really but a stranger would not have known any different) and I’m sure her stomach was churning just as much as mine was.

While departing the driveway I had a feeling of liberation.  It was like in that short maybe three-minute conversation something in me changed.  I had survived that meeting and very glad that I had been seated safely in my car, because if I had been standing and actually felt my quivering legs it would have been a totally different experience.

What I have learned from today is that maybe I am actually healing as far as my feelings for her are concerned.  Three years ago I would not have been able to look her in the eyes and carry on a polite conversation.  Today I over came that!  I faced my fear took off the gloves that were holding on to the uncertainty, pain, and bitterness and in that moment I set them aside.  Will they always be off?  Well only time will tell I suppose.growth

I drove off with all my kids in tow with a feeling of happiness that has been a long time coming.  I felt as if I had just climbed the highest mountain, stuck my flag in the ground, held my arms up to the sky and smiled in the sunlight.

What I want to share with you through all of this is that healing can occur when you LEAST expect it.  And my friends, for me that experience was amazing!  Keep your eyes and ears open for your moment, don’t worry about when it will happen or if it will happen, like I said this one came out of nowhere for me.  Just try not to run from it.  Suppress the initial flight reaction. (I wont’ lie it was there for me but I’m no race car driver, so burning rubber out of the driveway would have been way too obvious.)  Take control of the moment when you are facing it and enjoy its reward!

Has anyone else experienced a liberating healing moment?  Please share.

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

7/6/14

 

 

Overcoming

Published on by Kimberly Novak15 Comments

pause“You can’t fast forward something that hasn’t happened yet, pause press and enjoy the moment”.  I wrote that quote at the beginning of this week and have been staring at it since then.  Some days it made me feel stuck, other’s it helped me to just enjoy the day without worrying about the next.  Tonight it finds me sad and excited at the same time.

I”m sitting in a house that I’ve tried to refinance three times with no luck.  Three strikes and your out as the saying goes.  According to my divorce decree that means it must be sold.  Ironically it is a house I really never wanted to be in and I’ve put in an insane amount of blood, sweat and tears.  I”m not exaggerating either, this project has taken its toll on me.  I am at a point now where I need to finish what I have started and move on.  The house came with my divorce and it holds some pretty messed up memories for me.  Well, not my memories, my fears come to pass.

During this time, my only recourse was to make it my own.  I’ve been told several times that I have accomplished just that.  However, in the process of “making it my own” I have had to deal with the demons that have controlled my thoughts in each and every room of the house.  I cannot remember a day when I have not woken up to the thoughts of what went on here prior to my obtaining the home.  Falling asleep each and every night  with those same thoughts, it is a wonder I am not insane!   Even though some may argue that.

Getting this place ready for the market is going to take a couple more months of work and money, both of which I am running out of energy for.  This entire process has been very stressful and I really need to curtail that somehow.  I’ve tried on several occasions to just “live in the moment” but thoughts of the upcoming weight I will have with trying to sell this place always creep in.  Then there are the days when I picture it sold and I become very excited at first because I will be free of those thoughts and memories of what was here before me.  Unfortunately, those pictures into the future also include the urgency of packing and moving yet again.

Today I took the afternoon not to fast forward in to the future but to just “be”.  I sat outside on the porch which held a very significant moment of my divorce and I stayed there for nearly three hours.  I didn’t think about tomorrow, selling, work, money or moving.  I just sat.  I took in the sounds of nature, the warmth of the sun and I enjoyed that moment.sunlight

Last night a placed a rather unusual sign in the yard that says “For Sale Soon”.  That moment was defining for me, not only letting the community know that it will be on the market in a short time, but letting myself know that in time,  I will be able to release all of those thoughts, memories and fears that have been weighing on my mind for so long.  I’m sure that sign will make most chuckle and may even be confusing to some and to that I say, “oh well”.  That sign for me is a stepping stone towards healing and peace, which I desperately need at this point in time, before I embark on my next journey.  To quote yet another memorable saying, there is a light at the end of my tunnel; knowing how long that tunnel is, well that’s just not possible.

Have you ever questioned the length of your tunnel?  I welcome your comments.

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

4/13/13

Related blogs/links

Overcome, Shine Bright Baby

Little Caterpillar, Today I Am With God

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