“Say goodbye to where you’ve been and tell your heart to beat again” are the lyrics that have been burning through me over the last few weeks. I’ve been grappling with decisions on where to plant my feet and start my new beginning and making those choices has been crazy. I’ve had to think through so much in the last few years that I just could not do this last one, even though it was possibly the most important. I couldn’t do it. Each time I thought I knew what I wanted I would change my mind again. I was going in complete circles and not ending up where I knew I needed to be, but did I really know where that was?
This is another situation where I may have looked to be strong and handling everything ok, but inside it wasn’t happening. There was a time in my marriage when I had my doubts and suspicions and I chose not to act on them and when I did, those concerns were belittled and brushed aside. The past four years I have been reliving that memory on a daily basis, it is my route home, and each time I take it I see it clear as day.
We had left the same time that fall day, the kids and I headed out and he to work. His car moved ahead of mine and got a couple of car lengths ahead but I could still see it. I looked up and saw I was being stopped by the red light and followed his car with my eyes as he ventured forward. Just as the light turned green I saw it….the turn signal, he was making a left even though he should have been going straight. I had driven that path before certain that I would see what I thought in my heart was happening, but never did. I had a choice to make and having my children in the car I chose to go on with our day and question it later.
I’ve never forgotten that moment, each day when I hit that left signal to return home I see it happening again, only this time I am the one going to that destination and I have no idea how or why I chose to end up here. For some reason since I got the news the house has sold and I”ll soon be free to make my new beginning that flashback is even more clear to me. I don’t know if that memory was holding me back from making the decision on where I want to start over but I know my heart needs to make a clean break.
Over the past two days I have finally made my choice and it is to take that leap. I can’t stay a prisoner in this town and relive all those moments over and over again. I have found a place that makes me smile, it’s pretty and shiny and happy!! A little pricey but hey, it’s well worth it. The emotions I have right now are unremarkable, just knowing that I will not have to drive that path again and see that left turn signal, instead I will be going straight on my new path, not looking back and free. 
I have no idea what is in store for me but I know I will be comfortable and happy, and maybe will even be able to find out who I am. I know it’s a cliché to say you have to find yourself, but it’s true. When you have been through a loss and a trauma that turns your world inside out, it transforms you into someone you never thought you would be. I need to find Kimberly, get to know her and together she and I will embark on this new journey.
Is there a memory that is holding you back? Please share.
Kimberly
Courageous Butterfly
8/10/14
Related topics/blogs
Tell Your Heart To Beat Again, Danny Goke
52 Opportunities For A New Beginning, Insight From A Woman’s Heart
Out of the Chrysalis 
I have been in the family home, and now I too feel there are too many ghosts.
Sometime over the next 12 months I will sell and start afresh somewhere else.
It is scary yet freeing at the same time.
I am so proud for you that you have done this.
It may be difficult at first but I am sure that you will feel better when you allow yourself to truly become the real you. You will be much happier.
let us know how you get on
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Reblogged this on Çanakkale Şehitlik Turu.
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Oh how I can sympathize with this. I am in that same haunting place. Although I haven’t yet had to or started the process of selling the home, I am having to think about where I want to go from here. The paths, the stores,in fact the whole greater metropolitan area seems like it’s off limits to me. He has managed to tarnish my entire beloved territory. I would at this point love to relocate someplace far far away. And yet My family is here, and they are pretty much all I have left. I wish you all the best in your future abode. Only right turns from here on out…….
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Kim,
I understand your comments Oh so well. Been there!
I was quite comfortable when I left “our home” – even knowing he and his woman would be moving into it. Moving far away from old memories was good for me – even though it meant leaving my friends and support group. Being closer to my children – I do so like saying my instead of our. Took me a long time to say that most of the time – but now it is rare that I say “our” – being close to my children is helpful in some ways – but mostly – being away from him is what is best.
I recently had to return to the area where we had lived for 23 years again. I was totally surprised at how this trip was less painful. I still had those twinges of memories come into my mind as I traveled the route we had taken so often together – but they were less than on past trips.
I only had one time that I was fearful I would run into him or “her” – when I had to stop to pick something up for my friend at the local WalMart. I went in quickly – got what I needed and got out quickly. I hope I did not ignore anyone that I knew – but I did pretty much keep my head down.
In the long run you will find this to be a true blessing. A true starting over!
Best of luck!
Blessings,
Phyllis
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My house is full of those haunting memories. Where I was standing when I read his email and say “I want you” from his assistant. Where I was sitting when I found the VISA bill with Victoria Secret charges. Where we were when he lied again and again. I know I need to move because we also built the home together, renovating the entire thing as we raised our children there. I don’t know if I’ll have the courage however, mostly because my children see it as “home”. You are brave and I know I will find the strength someday too.
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Hi Ladies, thank you ALL so much for sharing your stories with me on this post. This transition has been hard but I’m more than ready to complete this stage. We are all going through similar circumstances, though they differ slightly we all know what the other has gone through. The house I am in and moving from was not my marital home, it was rental property that we had during the marriage and I ended up with. The rental was the house that “she” resided in. For some insane reason I decided to move into it. Actually it was due to my finances that I moved in and I was going to make the best of it, pluse its going to provide a hell of a lot of material for my next book. Well, IT got me and I was never able to refinance the loan and forced to sell, THANK GOD!! Our marital home is just 7 miles from this one, so by moving I am releasing myself from both homes, and I really think it is necessary for my healing.
Again, thank you so much for sharing I really appreciate it! Oh and BTW I was approved today for the apartment, moving day is two weeks away!!
Blessings,
Kimberly
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