It was a simple task…just dropping off a backpack….never did I imagine a breakdown almost three years post divorce. I thought that I had closed the door on my marriage and the divorce, and I was “over it”. Guess not. There I sat in my car looking at what used to be my house, my yard, it wasn’t the first time I had been through this; yet it seemed that way. My pulse started to race as I looked at the scenery. I could picture myself looking out of the windows that I was now looking into.
The yard is no longer mine, the decorations are now put up by someone else. I am so confused that all these emotions are happening after so long. I had no idea what my mind was going through and I was NOT a happy camper. The garage door was open and I was looking at a matched set of cars..how cute! Still not a big deal. I was just dropping off a bag.
He appeared and everything seemed different. It has been probably six months if not more that I have seen him, there he stood in what used to be “our home”. I didn’t know how to react. He stood there for just a minute then……hit the button and the garage door came down; he closed the door.
I lost it, cried all the way home. It was almost as if he did it on purpose. Which I know is just silliness. If I look to the spiritual side of myself I can say that what he did was a signal for me to shut the door and stop trying to look through the windows where I had previously lived. I know I”m not ready to look into them, and I know I have to stop trying to see out of them; they are no longer mine.
When I write my posts I look for a song to inspire me… tonight I googled “tears are healing” and found a song I never expected to find. I crumbled when I heard the fist verse….it was what I had lived… ” All those days watching from the window; all those years outside looking in; all that time never even knowing just how blind i’ve been” Stings a bit, .but it also sings of hope….hope for the future, “all at once everything looks different”.
Have you looked into the windows of your past? Please share.