Here we are less than two days away from the new year. I”m sure like me you are contemplating your resolutions, while looking back on 2013. Some moments may be proud, other’s may make you look back and say “what?”, but none the less here we are embarking on another phase of our lives. As usual I took a look back at my posts for 2013 and was stunned to see that exactly one year ago today I wrote a post titled Ready to Fly. So why was I stunned? Partly because I’m not sure I flew this year, in fact I know for sure that my wings have been grounded so to speak.
During the year I posted about pain, panic, PTSD, being broken, finding peace, facing loneliness and accepting all of those things. So how in the world am I ready to fly with all of these issues going on? and more so how could I think I was ready to fly a year ago? These are questions I’ve been asking myself all day. Now, the year was not all that bad. I was able to help many of my readers with my posts, and have made new friends because of them. I was able to see a dear friend of mine reach some very important milestones in the healing process, I witnessed someone finding faith again, I made new relationships, and faced some defeats but also survived them.
These are all good things, yet tonight I feel shaken and frustrated. Did you ever just sit and stare at a snow globe as the snow is coming down and think how beautiful it would be to be stuck inside dancing in it? I have many times, but lately as I picture my globe it is different. I feel many hands shaking waiting for the snow to fall but I’m not dancing. Instead, I’m holding onto the sides just waiting for the movement to stop. I’m frustrated, fearful, and saddened over some of the realizations I’ve had this past year.
As much as I want to believe that a year ago today I was ready to fly, that could not have been possible if you look at the healing I have had to go through over the past several months. I will say I am very proud of what I have accomplished in both the healing and grieving process, however it seems that each new encounter or experience brings along another challenge.
This past year has brought way too many decisions, or maybe I have taken on too much at once. I found myself drowning in decision making, and in the process failing. I have had some relationship issues this past year, some pleasant, some not so much. Some have said I’ve sabotaged relationships, other’s have stated I may not know how to love or questioned if I had ever really loved before. I am quick to blame my past circumstances but that really is no excuse; however a side effect of my past experience.
I have often felt like I lost my voice somewhere. I had lived under the control of another for so long that I don’t know how to find my own voice, but I know it is in there somewhere and I am determined to find it.
So, what do I do at this point? I acknowledge the fact that I am still grieving, I’m still trying to figure out how to survive my divorce and be comfortable in my new life. That will get easier in time once my surroundings stop changing. I have had so many changes besides the divorce over the past three years, that it is no wonder there isn’t a blizzard in my snow globe of life, I need to take charge before an avalanche takes me out.
I am thankful and blessed for all the new friendships I’ve made and the people who have come into my life this past year and I would not change that for the world. Actually, I wouldn’t change anything because If I have learned anything this year, it’s that they are right when they say change makes us stronger and I would not be who I am today if I had not gone through what I have. Getting to know this new person I’ve become is my next step.
Life after a loss or divorce becomes a world we are not equipped to handle, a world we can no longer play in. I was searching for a song tonight, as it is a ritual of mine to listen as I write. I searched the entire time I was planning my outline and could not find anything that was inspiring me. Then out of nowhere while searching pictures I came upon Part of Your World from the Little Mermaid. That song as always touched me, but tonight it means even more to me than it ever has before. I am living in a new world, just like Ariel. Perseverance, faith, trust, and love will become the tools to carry me through. I may not be ready to fly just yet, what matters most is that I am free to fly.
Are you free to fly? do you feel ready? If you have a similar story, please share.
Happy New Year,
Kimberly
Courageous Butterfly
12/30/13
Related blogs/links
Part Of Your World, The Little Mermaid
It was a simple task…just dropping off a backpack….never did I imagine a breakdown almost three years post divorce. I thought that I had closed the door on my marriage and the divorce, and I was “over it”. Guess not. There I sat in my car looking at what used to be my house, my yard, it wasn’t the first time I had been through this; yet it seemed that way. My pulse started to race as I looked at the scenery. I could picture myself looking out of the windows that I was now looking into.
I have come to a realization that the healing process is more complex than I ever thought it was. Every speed bump that I encounter along my transformation is just a reminder how fragile we can be during this process. Between you and me, sometimes life just seems like chapters of goodbyes.
Out of the Chrysalis 