I have come to a realization that the healing process is more complex than I ever thought it was. Every speed bump that I encounter along my transformation is just a reminder how fragile we can be during this process. Between you and me, sometimes life just seems like chapters of goodbyes.
An important part of my transformation process is an annulment. My divorce has been final for two years but there is a part of me that needs to reconcile that part of my life with God. I’ve known that the process can be very lengthy and somewhat challenging. For me, completing the initial paper work was not as hard as I thought it was going to be, partly because I have already been writing my story through this blog. Even though several months have passed since I mailed in the petition , I hadn’t forgotten about it, however it wasn’t constantly on my mind either.
This past week I received a letter stating the process had officially begun and I would be contacted if further information was needed. When I saw the envelope I knew what was inside and at first I felt happiness. I was eager to open it up and see what it said knowing that this would soon end another chapter of the pain I had gone through. The emotion that I was waiting for never came, instead I was immediately thrown into tears. Just like I discussed in my last two posts, I was reminded of an emotion that left a very big wound. Opening that envelope and seeing his name on the paper with mine left my mind in a tail spin.
I felt anger, sadness, heart-break, and loss. Then I was upset with myself because again I thought I was comfortable enough with my divorce that I could handle being reminded of the marriage in this way. I reached out to a friend who has been through the annulment process and he quickly reminded me that divorce is actually the death of a marriage, and I will never forget. These emotions will come back off and on and when least expected. Between you and me, I’m not sure I”m ready for a lifetime of never forgetting.
Because this is something that is very important to me, I will face these emotions head on and with as much strength as I can muster up. I know that it is another step in the healing process. I am still mourning my marriage as I would any other death, I just didn’t realize it until now. I think the hardest part for me will be having the courage to face the tears. Ya, that’s crazy coming from courageous butterfly I know. In the beginning it was easy for me to cry, not sure if that makes any sense, crying is crying. But it is different now because I’ve gone through the death. It is a closed case, so the tears now are pure emotions, not related to my present life or my future, they are strictly tears of the past. Between you and me, tears are the safety valve of the heart when too much pressure is laid on it. –Albert Smith.
When mourning the death of a loved one you are constantly saying goodbye and this is no different. Each time you view a photograph or have a memory you are reminded of the life you spent with that person, and will be forced to say goodbye over and over again. I thought I had said my goodbyes in the courtroom two years ago, I had no idea that it would be a lifetime of goodbyes. Though this is a major goodbye, it won’t be the last. There will be many situations in life that force us to say goodbye. Whether it be a job, a friend, a lover, a pet, or family member. Between you and me, Goodbye’s are not easy.
So what does all of this mean at this point in my journey? As far as I can tell it means that I have to be prepared for emotions that I thought I had already processed. I will encounter situations that may bring up some old emotional memories and remind me of my scars. I have to continue to seek advice from other’s who have been on this journey before me, listen to their kind words and learn from their experiences. Between you and me, this is why I’m sharing with you now.
I hope that the thoughts, feelings and experiences on my survival will encourage other’s going through a similar circumstance to learn to grow from each emotion, memory, feeling and tear. I am still learning and have a lot more ahead of me. Within my chrysalis I am growing stronger and when it is time I will emerge the butterfly I am meant to be. Between you and me, I will embrace it.
Do you have a similar story, can you offer any advice on how to embrace the goodbye? Respond in the comments.