Tag: loss

Road Trip!

Published on by Kimberly Novak1 Comment

road_tripsIt’s time for a road trip! I am now ready to look at life through the windshield, no longer looking in the rear view mirror, and this time I am traveling light!

No more carrying around unnecessary suitcases that were once filled with doubt, regret, failure, defeat, and pain.   I have one bag that will hold, love, laughter, joy, faith, hope, confidence, strength and determination.  Now, I know life is not going to be perfect and I will hit a few speed bumps along the way, and there is room in my bag for those events; however, they will only be passing by and not invited to stay.

Two years ago today I reluctantly began a new journey.  I was sad, confused, hurt, and defeated.  Anticipating how I may be feeling about it all, I did not sleep well last night.  I was afraid of waking up today and having those feelings back just because it was an anniversary.  I am PROUD to say that I survived and kept it a completely tear free day.  Instead of focusing on what I went through and why today was going to be so hard, I focused on what is ahead; yet to come; surprises that await me; new beginnings; fun; excitement; love; hope; and dreams.

I spent the day being thankful that I am where I am after the struggle I endured.  I’m thankful for the lesson’s I learned, and even thankful for the tears I cried.  It was within those tears that I was healing.  I’m thankful that I was given the chance to begin again, find out who I am and what I’m all about.  I still have my moments, fears, and also discovering some scars that were left behind, as I wrote about in my last post.  But I’m ok with that, it’s part of the healing and transformation that I am making.  Even though I’m still 4 ft 11″, I feel like I have grown through this experience.  Today I stand on my tip toes and embrace the new me!

Loss is horrible, but when you can see what you have learned from the process…it’s AMAZING!  The most important value I have learned so far is not to live in the past.  Keep your eyes forward.  Only you are behind the wheel of your life, you make the choice to keep moving forward, or to detour back to the past.  Maintaining a steady cruise seems like the best way to travel.  Speeding through can bring feelings of fear or doubt.  When this happens, take a deep breath, reflect and make sure it’s the path you want to be on.broken-road

My windshield is looking pretty awesome right now.   The road I’ve been traveling on has led me to some pretty fantastic places, and brought wonderful people into my life.  It’s not all going to be sunny skies, there will be days when I’m driving through a storm but now I know I will make it through.  My broken road has been replaced, the top is down, the wind is blowing through my hair and I am on my way to a new beginning!

Do you feel your on the path toward healing?  Please share in the comments section below.

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

12/9/12

Related Links/Blogs

Broken Road, Rascal Flatts

Vision Keeper – Moving Forward

To Walk Far, Carry Less

Moving Forward!

 

Watering the Soul

Published on by Kimberly Novak4 Comments

I have recently discovered that it may be time to “water my soul”.  In many of my earlier posts I talked a lot about ways to deal with emotions that come from surviving a loss.  I’m referring to ALL of the emotions, good and bad.  With the recent loss of our family dog I have discovered that there are some emotional left over’s that need to be dealt with.  I tried writing my thoughts, talking with friends, and though those were good outlets, I just was not getting what I needed to do a full on emotional purge.  So….I bit the bullet…..and found myself in a counselor’s office.

 The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.  ~John Vance Cheney

One will never really know when they are fully recovered and some may never be.  It took the opening of a new wound to see that I still have some  that need healing.  Some may think that if they are not obsessing over their loss, then the wounds are gone, that is not necessarily true.  The wounds will always be a part of us, and there are some circumstances that may cause them to resurface, like another loss.

 Tears are the safety valve of the heart when too much pressure is laid on it.  ~Albert Smith

When I made the decision I wasn’t sure how this was going to go.   I didn’t know if I really wanted to take myself back to the beginning of what I went through.   As I dialed the phone number my hands were shaking and I was already fearing that this appointment would require giving the counselor a full report of the past two years.  I was very vague on the phone and at first I was asking stupid questions like “how many counselors are in your group?”, and “do you have hours on the weekends?”.  I was stalling and it took a 20 minute phone call before I finally scheduled the time.

Five days later, I ventured out for what I thought would be a horrible experience.  I sat in the car for a few minutes thinking about why I had made the appointment, yes it was primarily because of the loss of my dog, but I felt there may be more than that.  Maybe I still needed to heal some old wounds.  I wanted to doubt myself and run.  Instead, I squashed those feelings and gave credit for realizing that this was something I definitely needed and it was going to be something I could benefit from.

I watered, and watered  my soul with tears like there was no tomorrow!  I am not afraid to say that I am still a little broken but who isn’t?  It takes courage to admit and face it and I am so glad I have. Suffering loss be it a spouse, parent,  pet, or friend will leave a permanent scar.  It does not matter how many seconds, minutes, hours, days or years pass, the wound will be there.  In order for us to heal those scars our job is to be able to recognize when it is time to add a little more water to the soul.  Tears are healing, with each drop we add a little more antiseptic to pain.  

   Tears are God’s gift to us.  Our holy water.  They heal us as they flow.

                                  ~Rita Schiano, Sweet Bitter Love, 1997,  published by The Reed Edwards Company

Feeling the way I did when I left that appointment, I have no fears about re visiting  those old painful issues.  I will again come out a survivor.  I lived it, it is part of me and I recognize that I need to use what I went through as a tool to discovering who I am and what I am meant to be.  I know that when I do, I am furthering the healing process which will ultimately lead to my happiness.

I fully encourage anyone who feels a struggle with loss to sit and talk and let the tears water the soul.  The soul is our core, it is how we feel, think, act and react.  It is important that we keep that area healthy if we are to achieve greatness and be truly happy in our lives.

 Every tear should live its purpose.  Don’t ever wipe the reason away.  ~Jessica Simpson (2009 tweet)

How have you found comfort with talking about old wounds in the hopes of continuing on your healing journey?  Please share in the comments section.

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

10/21/12

RELATED BLOGS:

Caught by Grace- Through the Tears

Meanwhile Melody Muses

Soul Talk by SB

 

Embracing Loneliness

Published on by Kimberly Novak3 Comments

Grayson 1998-2012

 

When I first thought of writing on this topic I had originally titled it Accepting Loneliness.  When I went to sleep last night I was fearful for the coming morning.  It would be the first morning I woke up completely alone since my divorce.  The past 19 months my mornings, evenings and nights have all been spent with mans best friend and early Tuesday morning he went to heaven.

I woke up an hour before my alarm and realized my entire morning routine is now changed.  I was frozen and did not know how I was going to get up and start my day.  I thought about just spending the day in bed and as that thought was crossing my mind my body said differently, I jumped up with a leg cramp.  I was now forced out of bed!

Since the sun was shining I decided to take myself for a walk.  Sneakers went on, I pod ready to go, headphones in.  I set out at first feeling pretty sad but as I walked I realized that I had completed step one to creating a new morning routine.  I did something to get my day started and it was a positive thing.   It gave me time to clear my thoughts and focus on my schedule for the day, all while allowing myself time to listen to my favorite tunes.

Clarity was slowly seeping in and I realized that I have a choice to either accept the feelings of being alone or embrace them.  If I only accept them I”m really not making any positive changes for myself.  My world is now changed whether I like it or not.  The better thing to do would be to embrace it.

I’m content with the fact that today will be rough for me, but I got through the hardest part.  Over the next week or so I can set my routines how I want them.  I am in control of deciding what I will now do with my extra time and I am choosing to spend it being happy in my loneliness.  I figure I”ll play around with a few different changes and see what fits best into my schedule.  I really enjoyed the walk today and when winter hits I have access to an indoor center right across the way.  My morning routine is now set!  

I’m sure I will have waves of sadness, fear, and reluctance along the way, but those are all common feelings when a change is occurring.  Life is all about thriving through change sometimes they are happy changes, and sometimes they are filled with loss, pain and grief.  As I’ve said before in previous blogs, the latter are the ones that we grow through.  Just like the caterpillar  (yes I’m using the reference again!) who grows in her chrysalis, change makes us stronger!

Be all you can be in your loneliness, embrace who you are and live happy!  How have you embraced loneliness or change?  Reply in the comments.

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

9/19/12