“You can’t fast forward something that hasn’t happened yet, pause press and enjoy the moment”. I wrote that quote at the beginning of this week and have been staring at it since then. Some days it made me feel stuck, other’s it helped me to just enjoy the day without worrying about the next. Tonight it finds me sad and excited at the same time.
I”m sitting in a house that I’ve tried to refinance three times with no luck. Three strikes and your out as the saying goes. According to my divorce decree that means it must be sold. Ironically it is a house I really never wanted to be in and I’ve put in an insane amount of blood, sweat and tears. I”m not exaggerating either, this project has taken its toll on me. I am at a point now where I need to finish what I have started and move on. The house came with my divorce and it holds some pretty messed up memories for me. Well, not my memories, my fears come to pass.
During this time, my only recourse was to make it my own. I’ve been told several times that I have accomplished just that. However, in the process of “making it my own” I have had to deal with the demons that have controlled my thoughts in each and every room of the house. I cannot remember a day when I have not woken up to the thoughts of what went on here prior to my obtaining the home. Falling asleep each and every night with those same thoughts, it is a wonder I am not insane! Even though some may argue that.
Getting this place ready for the market is going to take a couple more months of work and money, both of which I am running out of energy for. This entire process has been very stressful and I really need to curtail that somehow. I’ve tried on several occasions to just “live in the moment” but thoughts of the upcoming weight I will have with trying to sell this place always creep in. Then there are the days when I picture it sold and I become very excited at first because I will be free of those thoughts and memories of what was here before me. Unfortunately, those pictures into the future also include the urgency of packing and moving yet again.
Today I took the afternoon not to fast forward in to the future but to just “be”. I sat outside on the porch which held a very significant moment of my divorce and I stayed there for nearly three hours. I didn’t think about tomorrow, selling, work, money or moving. I just sat. I took in the sounds of nature, the warmth of the sun and I enjoyed that moment.
Last night a placed a rather unusual sign in the yard that says “For Sale Soon”. That moment was defining for me, not only letting the community know that it will be on the market in a short time, but letting myself know that in time, I will be able to release all of those thoughts, memories and fears that have been weighing on my mind for so long. I’m sure that sign will make most chuckle and may even be confusing to some and to that I say, “oh well”. That sign for me is a stepping stone towards healing and peace, which I desperately need at this point in time, before I embark on my next journey. To quote yet another memorable saying, there is a light at the end of my tunnel; knowing how long that tunnel is, well that’s just not possible.
Have you ever questioned the length of your tunnel? I welcome your comments.
Kimberly
Courageous Butterfly
4/13/13
Related blogs/links
Little Caterpillar, Today I Am With God
What happens when you are at war with your feelings, emotions and inner self? Someone has to win and lately I feel like I am not in the driver’s seat when it comes to my feelings. As a survivor of a huge loss, I know there will be periods of up and down and even some all around days, but this time I am growing angry because I have found myself in one of those moments.
