Waging War With Emotions

picking-yourself-upWhat happens when you are at war with your feelings, emotions and inner self?  Someone has to win and lately I feel like I am not in the driver’s seat when it comes to my feelings.   As a survivor of a huge loss, I know there will be periods of up and down and even some all around days, but this time I am growing angry because I have found myself in one of those moments.

I know I can’t speed my healing along, however there are times when I really don’t want to be feeling the way I am, this week has been one of those times.  Tomorrow marks an anniversary of a big step that my ex took in his new relationship and it is eating away at me from the inside out.  I have blogged about this topic before in a post I did two years ago on the actual day. ( Sometimes Broken Can Be Beautiful)  I talked about how I had survived a day that I thought was going to be extremely painful but circumstances of MY day led me in a different direction.  So why now?  Why this week a couple of years later am I feeling like it just happened?

I’ve been trying to analyze the circumstance to see why it is so upsetting to me, other than the obvious of course.  I haven’t been much help to myself in thinking about it so I’m trying to rationalize it but I’m not having luck there either.  If I look at the senses that contribute to memory I come up empty.   I do not have a visual memory nor did I actually hear what was going on in the moment; it’s not like I could touch or smell anything from that day either.  I’m still left with the big WHY?

How is this memory, that is not mine in the first place, able to be so haunting?  I have tried and tried to change my focus this week and it all comes back to that impending date.  If it was possible to erase a day from the calendar, out of all the painful days I have had I have to admit I would erase that anniversary.

Here is my logical explanation, however logical it may or may not be.  I spent 20 years married to my childhood sweetheart, my only true love, and on that one day, in possibly a brief hour, my heart was broken.  Yes it was damaged during the divorce and everything that led up to it and even in the days following, but this one event was the icing on the cake so to speak.

So now I am at this point where I can see why I am reacting this way, how do I stop it?  I’m sure someday this month and date will roll in and not be such a big storm for me, but in the meantime how do I embrace it so that it does not tear me up inside?   As I write this tonight,  I am sitting in my lovely pink office, (yes pink with glitter), candles are lit and I’m reminding myself to relax.  I look up and focus on the oil painted butterfly that hangs above my desk and I am reminded of why I love the butterfly.  STRENGTH, COURAGE, TRANSFORMATION and RE-BIRTH.

All of those qualities that I cling to with the butterfly are what I will have to use to get myself through.  I will need the strength to not let myself get so upset; the courage to stand up against my feelings and tell myself that I will be OK; transformation will happen with each year I am faced with this pending date; and re-birth will happen on that day that I no longer remember what it meant.calm

As far as the war goes, I’ve won because I’ve acknowledged that I still need to heal from this.  My inner-self is waving a white flag because it knows that as long as I am honest with myself, and continue the work on my healing, those feelings do not stand a chance.

Have you fought with your inner emotions?  Please comment


Courageous Butterfly


Free To Be Me, Francesca Battistelli

You Transform You, KFMUELLER

Little One, Where The Clouds Talk and The Trees Whisper

Broken;Welcomed, Just Me, No More Or Less

I know I can….

This post is dedicated to the little engine in my life.

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.  A popular line from a children’s story of The Little Engine That Could.   When I first decided to blog about this famous line I had a totally different approach in mind.  My first thoughts were to talk about how life sometimes presents us with struggles that we don’t think we can get through, and if we focus and set our mind to the task of surviving that struggle, then just as the little engine, we will also climb our hill.  I wanted to do more research on the story and when I stumbled upon a version by Watty Piper I was blown away, and immediately changed my point of view.  Take a moment to read this story and my remarks will follow.

Little Engine That Could - Uknown

The Little Engine That Could, by Watty Piper

A little steam engine had a long train of cars to pull.

She went along very well till she came to a steep hill. But then, no matter how hard she tried, she could not move the long train of cars.

She pulled and she pulled. She puffed and she puffed. She backed and started off again. Choo! Choo!

But no! the cars would not go up the hill.

At last she left the train and started up the track alone. Do you think she had stopped working? No, indeed! She was going for help.

“Surely I can find someone to help me,” she thought.

Over the hill and up the track went the little steam engine. Choo, choo! Choo, choo! Choo, choo! Choo!

Pretty soon she saw a big steam engine standing on a side track. He looked very big and strong. Running alongside, she looked up and said:

“Will you help me over the hill with my train of cars? It is so long and heavy I can’t get it over.”

The big steam engine looked down at the little steam engine. The he said:

“Don’t you see that I am through my day’s work? I have been rubbed and scoured ready for my next run. No, I cannot help you,”

The little steam engine was sorry, but she went on, Choo, choo! Choo, choo! Choo, choo! Choo, choo!

Soon she came to a second big steam engine standing on a side track. He was puffing and puffing, as if he were tired.

“That big steam engine may help me,” thought the little steam engine. She ran alongside and asked:

“Will you help me bring my train of cars over the hill? It is so long and so heavy that I can’t get it over.”

The second big steam engine answered:

“I have just come in from a long, long run. Don’t you see how tired I am? Can’t you get some other engine to help you this time?

“I’ll try,” said the little steam engine, and off she went. Choo, choo! Choo, choo! Choo, choo!

After a while she came to a little steam engine just like herself. She ran alongside and said:

“Will you help me over the hill with my train of cars? It is so long and so heavy that I can’t get it over.”

“Yes, indeed!” said this little steam engine. “I’ll be glad to help you, if I can.”

So the little steam engines started back to where the train of cars had been standing. Both little steam engines went to the head of the train, one behind the other.

Puff, puff! Chug, choo! Off they started!

Slowly the cars began to move. Slowly they climbed the steep hill. As they climbed, each little steam engine began to sing:

“I-think-I-can! I-think-I-can! I-think-I-can! I-think-I-can! I-think-I-can! I-think-I-can! I think I can – I think I can – I think I can I think I can–“

And they did! Very soon they were over the hill and going down the other side.

Now they were on the plain again; and the little steam engine could pull her train herself. So she thanked the little engine who had come to help her, and said good-by.

And she went merrily on her way, singing:

“I-thought-I-could! I-thought-I-could! I-thought-I-could! I-thought-I-could! I thought i could – I thought I could – I thought I could – I thought I could – I thought I could – I thought I could I thought I could –“

If you are like me you are probably a little teary eyed after reading that.   I had heard that story as a child but as an adult it means so much more to me, and IT MAKES SENSE!!!!  During my struggle I gravitated towards people stronger than me.  First was my lawyer, she was a little ball of fire!  My counselor was a strong, confident person.  The family member’s that I looked to for guidance were strong in their marriages, and the friends I confided in were always stronger than I.  

Now don’t get me wrong all of those people were instrumental in giving me what I needed during that crucial time.  But once it was over I needed something different.  The key line that stole my heart in this story is  After a while she came to a little steam engine just like herself.   I am totally in love and blown away with that simple line.  At first she thought only the strong could help her and in the end it was the one most like her that brought victory.

This is why I think my blog and other’s like mine is so important to those going through struggles of life.  Along with support groups for the grief you are dealing with.  I never thought that finding and confiding in someone just like me was what I needed.  But in order to be successful for both you and your little engine, you must lay all cards on the table.  During my early months of counseling I held back.  I held back in talking with family.  I had no idea that I needed  someone the same as I.

I am elated to say that about a year and  a half ago I found my little engine.  Someone who went through the same thing I did.  We were able to share stories, vent to each other.  We were an understanding companion during the time of trying to survive what we went through.  In that process I  was able to find myself again.  I was able to straight up tell it like it really is, and in doing so I am forever changed.  I’d like to say the same for my little engine partner, as I  have seen so much growth in both of us.

It is a blessing and a gift to be able to mend your heart and grow alongside of someone who is dealing with the same feelings you are.  The lesson I have learned is that you don’t always have to look for the strong in order to become stronger.  The experience of growing strong along side someone who was also gaining strength through me is an experience of a lifetime!

Do you have your engine to heal with?  I strongly recommend you seek out someone just like yourself to share a journey with.  A promise of a rewarding and lasting bond awaits you.

I encourage you to share your story of how an engine helped you or how you helped another little engine and together we will all be able to say………I know I can, I know I can, I know I can.


Courageous Butterfly


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Lovely Quotes:  Little Engine That Could

The Little Engine That Could, and the Outsider Mother

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Helping Friends Grieve, Why I Share