Tag: getting on with life

Decide to Forgive

Published on by Kimberly Novak7 Comments

This is a big one people!  This word can be scary for most of us and it is partly because we really don’t completely understand it’s meaning.  I was reminded of that this week when I heard my ex husband’s voice on the phone for the first time in months.

I’ve been going through this process with the understanding that forgiveness is just one of the steps you take when you are healing.  Other’s say just forgive and forget.  Well my friends that’s complete bull! What happened is a part of my life, it is something I will never forget because I lived it.  Outside of early onset dementia, it is something that will be with me forever.

Silliness aside, I also have been going through this process thinking forgiveness is a choice, and was I willing to make it? After attending a very rewarding weekend at church just two months after my divorce, I was sure I could make that choice.  I listened to several speeches on the topic, and in my heart it made me happy to say  “I Forgive you.”  I even went as far as writing it out, never mailing it of course, but it allowed me to go through the motions and feel like I had completed the forgiveness step.

One year later I received a letter that I had written to myself during that weekend.  I looked at the envelope for at least an hour, trying to recall what I had written.  I poured a glass of wine, made myself comfortable and then opened it.  I hadn’t forgiven my ex that weekend, I had forgiven myself.

In that moment I decided  to forgive myself for what I went through. There were many signs thrown in my face through the years and I didn’t see them; forgiven.  I was faced with choices  and had I chosen differently maybe the truth would have been seen; forgiven.  The big one, the one that produced many tears, allowing myself to deny my intuition; forgiven.

So what is the difference between choosing and deciding?  Think about a situation when you chose to do something, maybe you never did it.  Now think about a situation you decided to do something, usually that produces the actual act of doing it.  It’s kind of crazy how two words that are so similar can bring very different outcomes.

Which brings me back to the phone call this week.  I”m still struggling with seeing or talking to my ex and I haven’t been able to figure out why.  It’s been a year and a half I should not get all teary when in his company.  I never decided to forgive him, so those feelings are festering inside me.

When I heard him on the phone there was a voice in my head saying “closure”.  We never had closure.  That day was all business and signing papers.  After 20 years and three kids we didn’t get our goodbye.  There was so much I wanted to say during that conversation but I stuck to the reason for the call.  Inside my head I was saying everything I wanted to tell him.  And I thought just because I need closure does not mean he does.  I was not about to put myself into a conversation that would make me feel worse.  I listened to his words and for myself I was getting closure.  I found myself not letting the conversation end because my head and I were still getting things out!  That was kind of funny in a way, trying to drag out a conversation when I was so fearful of hearing his voice in the first place.

It got to a point when I just couldn’t stretch it any more and it was time to say goodbye.  I would normally end a phone call with just the word bye, but in this instance I said “good-bye”.  I set the phone down, took a few moments, some deep breaths and out of my mouth came “I Forgive Him”.

I don’t condone what happened with our marriage, I’m not accepting it as something that was ok.  I made the decision to let it go.  It’s in my past and I have a future to plan for.  I cannot live in fear of seeing him or hearing his voice because he will be in my life for a very long time.  

As I sit here today and write all of this out I can honestly say that my heart feels a little lighter.  I didn’t know it but I was still holding onto some painful feelings.  My heart is more peaceful now.  No one can force you into forgiveness.  It is something that you have to decide to do and when you are ready.  I thought I had a long time ago.  It took one phone call to make me realize I wasn’t done yet.

I’d love to hear comments on this subject. It is by far the most difficult part of healing.  When did you realize that you could forgive? or when did you realize you were forgiven?

 

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

6/23/12

When Life Weighs You Down…

Published on by Kimberly Novak12 Comments

A friend of mine sent me this picture saying it could be the beginning of a great blog post. I was not only honored that she was thinking I could write a great post, the timing of it was perfect. This week I have had something very heavy that I’ve been carrying around with me since the divorce.  I’ve been patiently waiting for the matter to be resolved and it’s just not happening. This message from my friend came at a time when I really needed it.

When I first looked at the picture I was surprised because I was not focused on the butterfly, I only saw the rock.  I could relate more with it than I could the butterfly.  I have to admit that freaked me out! When I look at the rock I see the pressures that have been building up.  I see my worry attached to the rope.  I wondered, what will it take to clip that rope and set the butterfly free?  Then I thought, what will it take to set me free?

Long story short there have been circumstances out of my control that are causing this matter not to be resolved, yet I am the one carrying the weight.  I have tried countless times to let it go.  I even have placed it in my worry box; when I have something I need to let go and let God, I write it on a slip of paper and lock it up inside.  I’ve had this matter in the box since December 2010.  Even when the circumstances were good for this particular matter, I still had some distress.

As I was dealing with the events of the week I kept thinking back to the picture.  I wondered, what do I need to do in order to cut my rope on this particular circumstance?  What do I need to do to release myself from this strain so that I am free to move forward?  I also questioned, is it time to sever the tie, or do I still have things to take care of before I can do that?

The only reasonable answer to those questions is that I will control what I can, and try to better the situation.  With the hope, that once I do, my bond will be broken and I will be set free.  I decided since it’s been over a year I better write it down again, as a reminder that some things I cannot control.    After doing so, it is a little easier to see the butterfly.  I can also see where the string is tied.  It looks like all it needs is a little tug and the burden will be released.

So my friends I ask you, what is weighing you down and what will it take before you can tug?  I’d love for you to share, leave a comment and begin to set yourself free.

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly,

6/13/12

On a side note, I’d like to dedicate this post to my Women’s Renewal Team.  Joy & New Hope 2012.

 

Final…such a scary word

Published on by Kimberly Novak1 Comment

The word final can mean so many different things depending on the situation.  Many times it comes about in a positive situation like taking your final exam’s, which signifies the completion of a long-term school goal, or finally achieving something you’ve been working a long time on.  Then there are other times when final can be negative as in a relationship coming to an end or the end of something you’ve been enjoying like a television series.  No matter if it’s a positive or a negative the word still has the same meaning…to come to an end.

Today, I’m taking a very big step and it has me scared to death.  I have made it a point to be open and honest since I started this blog and today is no different. I don’t want to only focus on the loss of a marriage so I will remind others that this post as well as my other’s are meant for those dealing with any type of loss. Loss of anything is hard just think back to when we were kids and how we responded when we lost something.  Even as simple as losing our homework or the dollar we had in our pocket, it freaked us out!  It doesn’t matter what it is that we are losing the act of losing anything can be devastating.

I’ve been dealing with the loss of my marriage, my home and living with my kids, along with the identity I had while in my marriage.  I’ve had to make a lot of changes and I’ve lost some friends we shared along the way, but none of that compares to how I am feeling as I make my final step to moving forward. Some may see it as a silly formality given the circumstances, but it is freaking me out.

I’ll just go ahead and say it… I’m beginning my annulment process tomorrow.  Well, hopefully it will be granted to me to proceed with the process.  I”ve been putting it off for some time now; I needed to make sure I was ready to deal with the fact that once this happen’s  that chapter of my life will truly be closed.  Again, I know how silly that sounds, as my ex has officially moved on, I on the other hand need this to continue my journey towards being fully healed.

So what freaks me out? The word final.  Once the annulment is complete that will be it, my marriage will be null and void.   Silly, I know since the divorce pretty much does the same thing, just not in the eyes of the church; for me that’s a big thing.  Aside from that it is still the last and final procedure I will go through with my marriage and it leaves me feeling somewhat sad. I”ve come to terms with the fact that I need to make friends with this very scary word and tomorrow I will be doing just that.

I hope that I can inspire anyone else who may be dealing with making any type of final decision.  If I can offer anything it would be to say that you need to make your decisions in your own time and on your terms.
  You will know when you are ready to move forward and if you look deep within yourself you will find the courage that you need to keep moving forward.

I”d love to hear stories from my you, please feel free to share how you worked out something final in your life.  Respond below in the comments section.

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly 6/1/12