It was a simple task…just dropping off a backpack….never did I imagine a breakdown almost three years post divorce. I thought that I had closed the door on my marriage and the divorce, and I was “over it”. Guess not. There I sat in my car looking at what used to be my house, my yard, it wasn’t the first time I had been through this; yet it seemed that way. My pulse started to race as I looked at the scenery. I could picture myself looking out of the windows that I was now looking into.
The yard is no longer mine, the decorations are now put up by someone else. I am so confused that all these emotions are happening after so long. I had no idea what my mind was going through and I was NOT a happy camper. The garage door was open and I was looking at a matched set of cars..how cute! Still not a big deal. I was just dropping off a bag.
He appeared and everything seemed different. It has been probably six months if not more that I have seen him, there he stood in what used to be “our home”. I didn’t know how to react. He stood there for just a minute then……hit the button and the garage door came down; he closed the door.
I lost it, cried all the way home. It was almost as if he did it on purpose. Which I know is just silliness. If I look to the spiritual side of myself I can say that what he did was a signal for me to shut the door and stop trying to look through the windows where I had previously lived. I know I”m not ready to look into them, and I know I have to stop trying to see out of them; they are no longer mine.
When I write my posts I look for a song to inspire me… tonight I googled “tears are healing” and found a song I never expected to find. I crumbled when I heard the fist verse….it was what I had lived… ” All those days watching from the window; all those years outside looking in; all that time never even knowing just how blind i’ve been” Stings a bit, .but it also sings of hope….hope for the future, “all at once everything looks different”.
Have you looked into the windows of your past? Please share.
Kimberly
Courageous Butterfly
10/21/13
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…..or are they merely the beginning of something new? We have all purchased a puzzle before, it comes in a box all sealed up never before seen. Sometimes the pieces are safely inside a plastic bag and other times they are just right inside the box. It’s exciting to begin to put the pieces together and start to see the image on the cover of the box appear before us. I don’t know about you, but I cannot put any puzzle together without first looking at the image so I know where the pieces go and what it is supposed to look like when I’m finished. Puzzle pieces are fun, colorful, and exciting; so why is that when we are falling apart it is called “falling to pieces”?
Remember that age-old question that we were all asked when upon high school graduation and even during some job interviews? “Where do you see yourself in 5, 10, 20, 25…years?” I totally answered mine wrong, if we were graded on that I would’ve flunked out! Thank goodness those hopes and aspirations are not written in stone, therefore we can change them any time we want! But when we are forced to change them, that’s when it get’s tricky.
working on a literal path just yesterday right in the place that I thought I’d never be. Here I am and I’m a survivor! I didn’t know it was happening but I have embraced this very difficult change, faced it head on and I am rocking it! It is becoming clear that just because I thought I made the wrong decision, doesn’t make it wrong. It may just mean that the purpose I thought it was supposed to fill in my life was not what I envisioned.
Out of the Chrysalis 