Tag: emotions

Between You and Me

Published on by Kimberly Novak2 Comments

women_support-1I have come to a realization that the healing process is more complex than I ever thought it was.  Every speed bump that I encounter along my transformation is just a reminder how fragile we can be during this process.  Between you and me, sometimes life just seems like chapters of goodbyes.

An important part of my transformation process is an annulment.  My divorce has been final for two years but there is a part of me that needs to reconcile that part of my life with God.  I’ve known that the process can be very lengthy and somewhat challenging.  For me, completing the initial paper work was not as hard as I thought it was going to be, partly because I have already been writing my story through this blog.  Even though several months have passed since I mailed in the petition , I hadn’t forgotten about it, however it wasn’t constantly on my mind either.

This past week I received a letter stating the process had officially begun and I would be contacted if further information was needed.  When I saw the envelope I knew what was inside and at first I felt happiness.  I was eager to open it up and see what it said knowing that this would soon end another chapter of the pain I had gone through.  The emotion that I was waiting for never came, instead I was immediately thrown into tears.  Just like I discussed in my last two posts, I was reminded of an emotion that left a very big wound.  Opening that envelope and seeing his name on the paper with mine left my mind in a tail spin.  emotional-divorce-300x265

I felt anger, sadness, heart-break, and loss.  Then I was upset with myself because again I thought I was comfortable enough with my divorce that I could handle being reminded of the marriage in this way.  I reached out to a friend who has been through the annulment process and he quickly reminded me that divorce is actually the death of a marriage, and I will never forget.  These emotions will come back off and on and when least expected.    Between you and me, I’m not sure I”m ready for a lifetime of never forgetting.

Because this is something that is very important to me, I will face these emotions  head on and with as much strength as I can muster up.   I know that it is another step in the healing process. I am still mourning my marriage as I would any other death, I just didn’t realize it until now.  I think the hardest part for me will be having the courage to face the tears.  Ya, that’s crazy coming from courageous butterfly I know.  In the beginning it was easy for me to cry, not sure if that makes any sense, crying is crying.  But it is different now because I’ve gone through the death.  It is a closed case, so the tears now are pure emotions, not related to my present life or my future, they are strictly tears of the past.  Between you and me, tears are the safety valve of the heart when too much pressure is laid on it. –Albert Smith.

When mourning the death of a loved one you are constantly saying goodbye and this is no different.  Each time you view a photograph or have a memory you are reminded of the life you spent with that person, and will be forced to say goodbye over and over again.  I thought I had said my goodbyes in the courtroom two years ago, I had no idea that it would be a lifetime of goodbyes.  Though this is a major goodbye, it won’t be the last.  There will be many situations in life that force us to say goodbye. Whether it be a job, a friend, a lover, a pet, or family member.  Between you and me, Goodbye’s are not easy.

So what does all of this mean at this point in my journey?  As far as I can tell it means that I have to be prepared for emotions that I thought I had already processed.  I will encounter situations that may bring up some old emotional memories and remind me of my scars.  I have to continue to seek advice from other’s who have been on this journey before me, listen to their kind words and learn from their experiences.  Between you and me, this is why I’m sharing with you now.

I hope that the thoughts, feelings and experiences on my survival will encourage other’s going through a similar circumstance to learn to grow from each emotion, memory, feeling and tear.  I am still learning and have a lot more ahead of me.  Within my chrysalis I am growing stronger and when it is time I will emerge the butterfly I am meant to be.  Between you and me, I will embrace it.

Do you have a similar story, can you offer any advice on how to embrace the goodbye?  Respond in the comments.

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

1/27/13

Related blogs/links

Here Comes Goodbye, Rascal Flatts

Saying Goodbye, Wonder Blogs

With Every Goodbye You Learn, Luna Starla’s Dreamy Stories

Marriage-Divorce-Annulment by Catholic Answers Live

 

 

 

Emotional Memory

Published on by Kimberly Novak7 Comments

Brain-conceptual-image-puzzleAnyone who has spent time on a fitness program knows that the muscles of our body are equipped with muscle memory.  Meaning that when we work out our muscles grow accustomed to different types of movement, thus turning it into an unconscious learning process for the body.  What would happen if we apply that to our emotions?

In my last post I talked about PTSD after divorce and this topic goes right along with it.  Recently I have suffered from effects of both PTSD and what I believe is emotional memory.  It has taken me by complete surprise.  I was even reluctant to publish the post thinking that it wasn’t really relevant to those suffering a divorce, but I was quickly put to ease when I started researching it.  I’m glad I decided to talk about it because it is a real problem and there are many of us suffering from it.  With support and the ability to share our stories, we can all learn how to get past this current emotional state.

At this point on my journey I was convinced that I was past all of that.  I had dealt with what I thought were all of my emotions during my divorce and for the first year afterwards.  Like I said in the previous post, I had forgiven and moved on.  I am finding out now that the journey of healing is a longer road than I thought.  I have reached a pretty high mountain and it was no where on my radar screen, it just appeared.

Take a second and pretend you are a  little kid again and have  just entered an amusement park….I bet right now you are feeling excited and happy and it feels just the same as it did all those years ago.  That is emotional memory.  We don’t think about it when it is something that makes us happy, we just accept the feeling because it is a good one.  It affects us in a totally different way when it is an emotion that caused us pain or sadness.

I was recently in a brief relationship with someone and just before it ended I could sense that something was a little off.  My intuition, which I finally am in tune with, was telling me that something was different.  When we had the conversation and ended things I felt exactly the same as I did when I received the email telling me my marriage was over.  I was overcome with emotions that I should not have been feeling because they were left over from the divorce.  It made no sense to me because you could not even compare the pain of my divorce to this current event.  However, since both situations ended in a loss, that was the trigger.  Even though they had very different outcomes the same emotional memory response was felt.  When this happened I started out being very angry with myself.  I was upset because I was spending more time with these emotions that I had already dealt with two years ago.  I was feeling very frustrated with the fact that maybe I’m crying now because I was too strong when I should have been weak, and really taken the time to face those feelings.  I quickly realized that is not the case.  No matter how much time I took dealing with those emotions as they were happening, my brain was busy storing them up.  It took this event to bring them back to the front of my memory, thus filling me with the exact emotional response. emotional memory

I will admit that all of this has been pretty scary.  I’m now faced with the fact that anything in life may produce these memory responses, and that they can happen at any time.   The hardest part will be allowing myself to live life and experience situations where some of these feelings may resurface.  I was under the impression that only the divorce itself could produce those emotions, and that since the divorce was over, I should never feel like that again….I was wrong.

I know now that my journey of healing is still very much in progress and I am thankful for the recent relationship.  Not only because it brought joy and happiness back into my life, but also because it took losing it to know that I still have a lot of work to do!  It is a blessing to me that I had enough courage to put myself back out there.  I am also grateful that it has happened now rather than ten years down the road.   Because right now I am still in battle mode and I will use the strength that I gained from having survived the divorce to learn how to handle this new stage of the healing and transformation process..  When it comes up again, which it will, I will be ready and know how to respond.  I’m slowly getting past the anger of it all and realizing that only I can choose how I handle this.  I am the only one living it, therefore I am the only one who can move me past it.   In a recent conversation with someone who means the world to me, I was reminded of an old song that speaks volumes for how I am currently feeling.  In the voice styling  of Joe Cocker  and Jennifer Warnes:  the road is long and there are mountains in our way, but we could climb a step every day….love lift us up where we belong!  I like to replace the word  love with they’ll, because as I climb each step of  any painful mountain, they’ll bring me closer to being fully healed.

I’ve begun keeping a dream journal to help me see what other subconscious emotions may be brewing inside this little brain of mine.  Talking it out with close friends and my counselor has also been beneficial.   I think it’s a little early for me to offer any concrete advice but I would like to suggest that if you are going through this, do not try to suppress it.  Let it out!  It will be very hard to feel all of the painful emotions again but it is the only way to heal through it.  If we keep suppressing them our emotional memory responses will never learn how to properly process them so that when they are brought out they are less painful each time.

I had several comments on the post relating to PTSD and I hope that there are other’s who will share their stories relating to that topic as well as this one.  Your comments and advice are welcome below!

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

1/11/13

Related Links/Blogs

Unconscious Emotion, Current Directions in Psychological Science

Intense Emotions and Strong Feelings, Psychology Today

What Comes Out When Squeezed, Missy Tree

What It Means To Be Human, anonymoUSly obvioUS

Ready to F.L.Y.

Published on by Kimberly Novak1 Comment

 

party hornsA new year is on the horizon and during this time many of us take a moment or two to look back on the past year and ask ourselves questions like “Did I set out to do what I had planned?”  ” Did I make the most of the past year?”  ” Was I true to myself?”  The list can go on and on.  I know I’ve written about looking ahead to the future and not dwelling on the past, but in this instance it is acceptable to reflect on what 2012 has meant to you.

I recently received a comment on an older blog post and when I re-read what I had written some months ago it brought tears to my eyes, just as the day I wrote it.  During this moment I decided to read a few more of the older posts to see what kind of reaction I would have.  In reading I was reminded of  what I was carrying with me at the time I wrote each individual article.  Some gave me an initial reaction of thank God I survived that!  Other’s had me holding back tears.  Then there were a few that gave me a “OMG I shared that” moment. The upside is I didn’t realize how much I have changed, grown and strengthened until I started reading.

Ironically, the post that was the hardest for me to write and still the hardest for me to read today is “All The King’s Horses”.  In that post I comment on how much I have grown, strengthened and transformed!  Yet, as I look back on it now I see myself even stronger.  Other’s that stand out are “Broken Can Be Beautiful”, and “Be The Cup”.  If you haven’t had a chance to read those I highly recommend it!

So, if I were to take a look back on 2012 what would I find?  Well, for starter’s when I began my blogging journey my children told me that blogging is the adult version of whining about it!  Interesting take on the world of blogging I suppose, however I made it a point to show them some of my first several comments from subscriber’s telling me how much my post had strengthened or meant something to them.  Score one for Mom.

In my writing world:  I am a little disappointed that I am not further along on the eBook that I had promised last August.  But like I said in an update, I cannot finish a book if I am still in the process of living through what I want to pass along to other’s.  The eBook is half done and when the time is right I will complete it. I have secured a photograph for the cover of the eBook courtesy of  Tracie Louise Photography.  I was thrilled to have the chance to submit an unpublished article to the New York Times!!  I was very close to having it published when we hit a snag, I am not an expert in my field, meaning I do not hold a degree in divorce.  That was a little upsetting, but the fact that I made it that far in the process was very rewarding!

The stress of 2012:  We are getting closer to an answer with my health issues and that is a very big relief!  That is something that has been weighing me down for a very long time.  Which reminds me, check out the post “When Life Weighs You Down”.  I survived two unexpected losses but going through them has added more energy to becoming stronger.

Emotions:  I am becoming more in tune with my intuition, which is something that is very important to me.  I spent a lot of years ignoring that little voice inside of me.  I am more at ease with what I survived.  I have learned how to channel my feelings into positive energy in the hopes of helping other’s going through a similar struggle.

Highlights:  I was very pleased this year to receive the Very Inspiring Blogger Award, courtesy of Elizabeth at Almost Spring.  During 2012 my insane obsession for butterflies really took on a new meaning!  I am surrounded by photos, coffee mugs, jewelry, wall hangings, and the best is the personalized license plate!  The moment I am most proud of is when I discovered or realized my passion for writing.  It is something I never studied and never really considered would be a part of my life.  When I sit down to write I am at peace.  Even if the topic is upsetting to me, writing puts me in a place within my spirit.  It is the one time when I am truly alone with my thoughts, emotions, and feelings.  I am grateful for this gift or talent, though I’m not sure just how good I am at it yet.  I can say that I enjoy writing very much and could make a career out of it if I was given the opportunity.  It warms my heart when I receive comments from reader’s saying how I have helped them on their journey, or just the fact that I shared something with them that they can relate to.  That is what it is all about!

Looking back now with a few obstacles set aside, I’d have to say that 2012 wasn’t all that bad.  I have made positive changes in my life butterflyflythat will carry me into the future.  I still have some work to do in some areas but hey no one is perfect.  I am excited to see what the coming year brings into my life.  I know that I am strong enough to handle any obstacle be it good or bad.  This butterfly is ready to fly into 2013.

Are you ready to fly?  Leave a comment.

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

12/30/12

RELATED LINKS/BLOGS

Ready to Fly, Richard Marx

If this were your last day

Self-Reflection

It’s A New Season