Tag: divorce

Hello I, it’s nice to meet Me

Published on by Kimberly Novak5 Comments

Confused?  Don’t worry.  If it sounds like I am introducing myself to yours truly then you are reading it correctly.  Recently I have been forced into an unwelcome situation…having more time to spend alone than with others.  Have you ever prepared to meet someone new and you felt nervous and anxious?  Would it be strange if I told you that’s how I felt this past weekend when I re-met me?

I thought that my journey to re-discover myself had begun pretty quickly after the divorce. I found a job that makes me happy.  I have made new friends, bonded ties with family, and started making plans for the future.  As far as  I knew I was on the road to becoming the new me.   I had no idea that it would take the passing of our family dog to realize I had not yet begun that stage in recovery and healing.

Over the past couple of weeks I’ve noticed that I still have a lot of learning to do when it comes to knowing who I am.   I”m still not comfortable in my own skin so to speak.  I have and always will be someone who thrives being around other’s.  I have never had to learn how to just be with me, until now.

I’ve mentioned the stages a butterfly goes through in previous posts, and perhaps the most important is near the end of the time in the chrysalis.  Imagine for a moment that you are the caterpillar and you feel the changes happening not only to your body but to your soul.  I actually tried this and I was filled at first with sadness.  When I reached the end of the imagery the emotions had over taken me,  but I felt excited and happy to know that I can be OK coming out of the cocoon alone.  If I continue to grow my soul I can be completely healed and renewed.

     Close your eyes, take a slow deep breath, exhale, and reach your arms around your body as if giving yourself a hug and hold tightly.  You are  now in your cocoon.  It’s dark, lonely, and you have no idea how long you will be inside.  The cocoon is small and there is only room enough for you.  Your first feeling is fear because your life as a caterpillar was lived with many others, and this is the first time you’ve truly been alone.   Take another slow deep breath, and as you exhale, the hold the chrysalis has on you begins to lessen.  You spend your days alone with your thoughts, no other sounds, it’s just  you.  This continues for some time and each day get’s a little easier.  You are getting to know yourself.  You have finally taken time to soul search, to think about your hopes, dreams and ambitions, and for the first time YOU are in control of those things.  When you realize this you take another deep breath, with the exhale, you feel the chrysalis lessen even more.  During this time you notice the changes being made.  You are getting more comfortable with the new form that is emerging within yourself.  Feelings of happiness overtake you because you know that if you continue to grow not only on the outside, but within yourself, soon you will be set free to fly.  

The past couple of years have been painful to get through, but for some reason the last two weeks have felt just as painful.  A loss is a loss no matter if it’s a spouse, parent, lover,  friend, or pet.  It took another loss in my life to kind of give me a wake up call.  I’ve never taken the time to sit with myself and say “Hello”.  When my divorce was final I jumped into life with both feet.  The water was deep and I kept on treading.  I now realize that it’s time to head for shallow waters, breathe and relax.

Just like the caterpillar, I still have growing to do and I’m thankful that I know it.  I have so much more to learn about myself and I am looking forward to the discovery.  A little nervous to finally get to know the person I have grown into, but excited to see what the future holds for me, myself and I.

I’d love to know your thought’s if you try the guided imagery I have created.  Share your experience in the comments section below.

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

10/8/12

Related media:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U_eBRwn8G40

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SroSvgN_q_8

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I know I can….

Published on by Kimberly Novak6 Comments

This post is dedicated to the little engine in my life.

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.  A popular line from a children’s story of The Little Engine That Could.   When I first decided to blog about this famous line I had a totally different approach in mind.  My first thoughts were to talk about how life sometimes presents us with struggles that we don’t think we can get through, and if we focus and set our mind to the task of surviving that struggle, then just as the little engine, we will also climb our hill.  I wanted to do more research on the story and when I stumbled upon a version by Watty Piper I was blown away, and immediately changed my point of view.  Take a moment to read this story and my remarks will follow.

Little Engine That Could - Uknown

The Little Engine That Could, by Watty Piper

A little steam engine had a long train of cars to pull.

She went along very well till she came to a steep hill. But then, no matter how hard she tried, she could not move the long train of cars.

She pulled and she pulled. She puffed and she puffed. She backed and started off again. Choo! Choo!

But no! the cars would not go up the hill.

At last she left the train and started up the track alone. Do you think she had stopped working? No, indeed! She was going for help.

“Surely I can find someone to help me,” she thought.

Over the hill and up the track went the little steam engine. Choo, choo! Choo, choo! Choo, choo! Choo!

Pretty soon she saw a big steam engine standing on a side track. He looked very big and strong. Running alongside, she looked up and said:

“Will you help me over the hill with my train of cars? It is so long and heavy I can’t get it over.”

The big steam engine looked down at the little steam engine. The he said:

“Don’t you see that I am through my day’s work? I have been rubbed and scoured ready for my next run. No, I cannot help you,”

The little steam engine was sorry, but she went on, Choo, choo! Choo, choo! Choo, choo! Choo, choo!

Soon she came to a second big steam engine standing on a side track. He was puffing and puffing, as if he were tired.

“That big steam engine may help me,” thought the little steam engine. She ran alongside and asked:

“Will you help me bring my train of cars over the hill? It is so long and so heavy that I can’t get it over.”

The second big steam engine answered:

“I have just come in from a long, long run. Don’t you see how tired I am? Can’t you get some other engine to help you this time?

“I’ll try,” said the little steam engine, and off she went. Choo, choo! Choo, choo! Choo, choo!

After a while she came to a little steam engine just like herself. She ran alongside and said:

“Will you help me over the hill with my train of cars? It is so long and so heavy that I can’t get it over.”

“Yes, indeed!” said this little steam engine. “I’ll be glad to help you, if I can.”

So the little steam engines started back to where the train of cars had been standing. Both little steam engines went to the head of the train, one behind the other.

Puff, puff! Chug, choo! Off they started!

Slowly the cars began to move. Slowly they climbed the steep hill. As they climbed, each little steam engine began to sing:

“I-think-I-can! I-think-I-can! I-think-I-can! I-think-I-can! I-think-I-can! I-think-I-can! I think I can – I think I can – I think I can I think I can–“

And they did! Very soon they were over the hill and going down the other side.

Now they were on the plain again; and the little steam engine could pull her train herself. So she thanked the little engine who had come to help her, and said good-by.

And she went merrily on her way, singing:

“I-thought-I-could! I-thought-I-could! I-thought-I-could! I-thought-I-could! I thought i could – I thought I could – I thought I could – I thought I could – I thought I could – I thought I could I thought I could –“


If you are like me you are probably a little teary eyed after reading that.   I had heard that story as a child but as an adult it means so much more to me, and IT MAKES SENSE!!!!  During my struggle I gravitated towards people stronger than me.  First was my lawyer, she was a little ball of fire!  My counselor was a strong, confident person.  The family member’s that I looked to for guidance were strong in their marriages, and the friends I confided in were always stronger than I.  

Now don’t get me wrong all of those people were instrumental in giving me what I needed during that crucial time.  But once it was over I needed something different.  The key line that stole my heart in this story is  After a while she came to a little steam engine just like herself.   I am totally in love and blown away with that simple line.  At first she thought only the strong could help her and in the end it was the one most like her that brought victory.

This is why I think my blog and other’s like mine is so important to those going through struggles of life.  Along with support groups for the grief you are dealing with.  I never thought that finding and confiding in someone just like me was what I needed.  But in order to be successful for both you and your little engine, you must lay all cards on the table.  During my early months of counseling I held back.  I held back in talking with family.  I had no idea that I needed  someone the same as I.

I am elated to say that about a year and  a half ago I found my little engine.  Someone who went through the same thing I did.  We were able to share stories, vent to each other.  We were an understanding companion during the time of trying to survive what we went through.  In that process I  was able to find myself again.  I was able to straight up tell it like it really is, and in doing so I am forever changed.  I’d like to say the same for my little engine partner, as I  have seen so much growth in both of us.

It is a blessing and a gift to be able to mend your heart and grow alongside of someone who is dealing with the same feelings you are.  The lesson I have learned is that you don’t always have to look for the strong in order to become stronger.  The experience of growing strong along side someone who was also gaining strength through me is an experience of a lifetime!

Do you have your engine to heal with?  I strongly recommend you seek out someone just like yourself to share a journey with.  A promise of a rewarding and lasting bond awaits you.

I encourage you to share your story of how an engine helped you or how you helped another little engine and together we will all be able to say………I know I can, I know I can, I know I can.

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

9/24/12

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Embracing Loneliness

Published on by Kimberly Novak3 Comments

Grayson 1998-2012

 

When I first thought of writing on this topic I had originally titled it Accepting Loneliness.  When I went to sleep last night I was fearful for the coming morning.  It would be the first morning I woke up completely alone since my divorce.  The past 19 months my mornings, evenings and nights have all been spent with mans best friend and early Tuesday morning he went to heaven.

I woke up an hour before my alarm and realized my entire morning routine is now changed.  I was frozen and did not know how I was going to get up and start my day.  I thought about just spending the day in bed and as that thought was crossing my mind my body said differently, I jumped up with a leg cramp.  I was now forced out of bed!

Since the sun was shining I decided to take myself for a walk.  Sneakers went on, I pod ready to go, headphones in.  I set out at first feeling pretty sad but as I walked I realized that I had completed step one to creating a new morning routine.  I did something to get my day started and it was a positive thing.   It gave me time to clear my thoughts and focus on my schedule for the day, all while allowing myself time to listen to my favorite tunes.

Clarity was slowly seeping in and I realized that I have a choice to either accept the feelings of being alone or embrace them.  If I only accept them I”m really not making any positive changes for myself.  My world is now changed whether I like it or not.  The better thing to do would be to embrace it.

I’m content with the fact that today will be rough for me, but I got through the hardest part.  Over the next week or so I can set my routines how I want them.  I am in control of deciding what I will now do with my extra time and I am choosing to spend it being happy in my loneliness.  I figure I”ll play around with a few different changes and see what fits best into my schedule.  I really enjoyed the walk today and when winter hits I have access to an indoor center right across the way.  My morning routine is now set!  

I’m sure I will have waves of sadness, fear, and reluctance along the way, but those are all common feelings when a change is occurring.  Life is all about thriving through change sometimes they are happy changes, and sometimes they are filled with loss, pain and grief.  As I’ve said before in previous blogs, the latter are the ones that we grow through.  Just like the caterpillar  (yes I’m using the reference again!) who grows in her chrysalis, change makes us stronger!

Be all you can be in your loneliness, embrace who you are and live happy!  How have you embraced loneliness or change?  Reply in the comments.

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

9/19/12