Embracing Loneliness

Grayson 1998-2012


When I first thought of writing on this topic I had originally titled it Accepting Loneliness.  When I went to sleep last night I was fearful for the coming morning.  It would be the first morning I woke up completely alone since my divorce.  The past 19 months my mornings, evenings and nights have all been spent with mans best friend and early Tuesday morning he went to heaven.

I woke up an hour before my alarm and realized my entire morning routine is now changed.  I was frozen and did not know how I was going to get up and start my day.  I thought about just spending the day in bed and as that thought was crossing my mind my body said differently, I jumped up with a leg cramp.  I was now forced out of bed!

Since the sun was shining I decided to take myself for a walk.  Sneakers went on, I pod ready to go, headphones in.  I set out at first feeling pretty sad but as I walked I realized that I had completed step one to creating a new morning routine.  I did something to get my day started and it was a positive thing.   It gave me time to clear my thoughts and focus on my schedule for the day, all while allowing myself time to listen to my favorite tunes.

Clarity was slowly seeping in and I realized that I have a choice to either accept the feelings of being alone or embrace them.  If I only accept them I”m really not making any positive changes for myself.  My world is now changed whether I like it or not.  The better thing to do would be to embrace it.

I’m content with the fact that today will be rough for me, but I got through the hardest part.  Over the next week or so I can set my routines how I want them.  I am in control of deciding what I will now do with my extra time and I am choosing to spend it being happy in my loneliness.  I figure I”ll play around with a few different changes and see what fits best into my schedule.  I really enjoyed the walk today and when winter hits I have access to an indoor center right across the way.  My morning routine is now set!  

I’m sure I will have waves of sadness, fear, and reluctance along the way, but those are all common feelings when a change is occurring.  Life is all about thriving through change sometimes they are happy changes, and sometimes they are filled with loss, pain and grief.  As I’ve said before in previous blogs, the latter are the ones that we grow through.  Just like the caterpillar  (yes I’m using the reference again!) who grows in her chrysalis, change makes us stronger!

Be all you can be in your loneliness, embrace who you are and live happy!  How have you embraced loneliness or change?  Reply in the comments.


Courageous Butterfly


X Marks The Spot

We’ve all heard the phrase “buyer’s remorse”.    It is described as a feeling one get’s shortly after a large purchase is made.  A feeling comes over you and you begin to second guess your decision.    I haven’t made a large purchase lately but I did make a big decision that gave me that same type of feeling.  I felt relieved, satisfied and  happy.  I had no regrets I knew I was doing what I needed to do for ME; which is something that I usually do not do.  Up until this point in my life  I’ve always considered other’s before considering what I need.  So for the first time in my life I made this decision based on what Kimberly needs.

When I divorced I moved from my family home into an adorable little condo.    I knew being in something smaller would be a perfect backdrop for getting used my new life.  It has proved to be true.  The surroundings are beautiful, the amenities are perfect for me and the location could not be better.   Recently it came time to decide where to “plant my feet”.  At this point  I don’t feel that I am ready to make a major life changing decision like that.  I am still growing into this newer version of myself as well as healing and I  do not know where it is going to lead me.  My mind and body need to take some time away from more stress and we all know how stressful moving can be.  So what’s the problem?  Well the only issue is the size of my cute little space.  This is where my decision got difficult and I had mixed emotions over choosing a bigger place for my family when they are with me, or making the decision based on only my needs.  My mom hormones were quickly out numbering Kimberly’s and for a while I was convinced I had to move.  If I were to describe how I was feeling when I realized that this decision needed to be made solely on what I needed  some of the words would be:  heartbroken, confused, nervous, sad, anxious.  It was painful for me to make a decision only for what I wanted, so I had to make the decision based on what I needed in order to continue healing, growing and making a positive transition in my life.

I know that if I am going to continue on a positive path  I cannot keep putting additional stress on top of what is already there.  I need to make sure that I am content, happy, and somewhat stress free in order to make a healthy progression in my healing.  Therefore  as hard as it was to do,  I made a decision for ME this time.

The weather was beautiful yesterday and I decided to take a walk around my complex and in doing so I was looking around and again second guessing my decision.  I was trying to put the negative thoughts about it out of my head when a song called Blue Sky came on my I pod.  Hearing those words immediately forced me to look up and to my surprise…in the big blue sky…. was an X!  I stopped in my tracks and just smiled and said “X marks the spot”.   This was my relief that I have made the right decision; and it was a wonderful sight to see.  I know that I am right where I am supposed to be in my journey and I’m grateful that I have the opportunity to remain in a place where I can be happy, confident and content.  I’m sure we will have a few adjustments to make but what is most important is that the surroundings and the situation make it possible for continued healing and positive transition for all of us.

Wherever you are in your journey do not second guess your decisions.  I am learning that the ones that are the hardest to make usually are the ones that will make a positive effect on your life.

here is a link to the song Blue Sky http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GUUTDcIvC9o&feature=fvst


Courageous Butterfly


MEMORIES ARE FOREVER (whether we like it or not!)

I’ve been focusing a lot lately on trying to create  NEW memories rather than stew over some old ones that are still too painful to look back on.  One of my most proudest NEW memories that I recently created was purchasing a new car all on my own.   I had been anticipating a very bad day when I awoke on what would’ve been my 21 st wedding anniversary.  I knew that in order to get through that day without being totally depressed I needed to create a substantial memory.  I had been window shopping for cars the few weeks prior and knew that it was time!  I headed to work, then to the dealership and just four short hours later I was the proud owner of a brand new car!  Now when that date rolls around again I will remember how proud I felt that day and that will be my new memory.

Just last week I was sitting at my desk at work and a co-worker came by and said “hello little one”.   I immediately looked at her with a blank stare, I was in shock for that was the pet name my ex had given me when we first started dating.  I had not been called that in a very long time and it caught me off guard.  She noticed the look on my face and was confused.  I took a moment to fill her in and I told her how strange it was to hear someone call me that again.  In that moment I knew I had a choice to make.  I could either feel sad and let it get to me or thank her for bringing that memory to light so that I could put it behind me.   We talked a little while longer and before I knew it we were laughing about it.

A little while later I started thinking about the fact that this was probably just the first of many more memories of my past relationship that were going to pop up unannounced and I had again made myself proud.  I had made the choice to savor that moment share the memory for a minute and let it go.  Making the right choice is huge!  Had I heard her call me that and focused on the sadness I would’ve been left at my desk crying.  Instead, I shared a laugh with her and proved to myself that I can look back for a moment and I will be ok.  It’s the same for any memory, not just the loss of a relationship.  If you have lost a loved one you will also be faced with these memories that will pop up unannounced.  I urge you to make the choice to take just a minute and look back at it, talk about it, laugh about it and you will be on your way to moving forward.

I am no longer afraid of the memories, I know they will always be there.  I will continue to focus on making NEW memories now and that will help to  move me forward in my NEW life!

Courageous Butterfly