Out of the Chrysalis

I was talking to a friend just the other day and a comment was made to me that really made me stop and think “what exactly is strength”?   The comment that was made said ” I wish I was as strong as you, I’m still dealing with hurt and anger”.   Hearing that forced me take a survey of myself  because at the time of the conversation I wasn’t feeling very strong in fact I was having a very weak moment.  So I wondered why am I coming across looking so strong when I feel so weak?

If  I’ve learned anything over the last few years it’s that adversity does make us stronger.  Prior to my life trial I was a very weak individual.  Never once confronted anyone, stayed away from any type of conflict and did pretty much what anyone asked me to do.  I did not realize it then but because of the pain I went through I have transformed into a much stronger person.  So why do I still feel weak when everyone else see’s me strong?

I think it’s because they are seeing how I’ve transformed on the outside, they see my accomplishments at work, the positive changes in the external portion of my life, the new car I was able to purchase on my own credit and in my own name, and the new friends that have made such a positive affect in my life.  To everyone on the outside I look like I’m a real trooper!

However, no one see’s how different the strength is on the inside.   I’m going to be brave and put my weaknesses out here right now in the hopes that I’m helping someone reading this.  I want everyone to know that it’s ok to show your weaknesses because  when we work through them is when we get stronger.  These are the things that only I see:    When I go to pick up the kids and have to sit in the driveway of the house that used to be my marital home  it  gives me a panic attack.  When I have to see my ex in public I still have to leave the room and cry.  I avoid phone conversations with him because I don’t want him to hear me crying.   Most day’s  I don’t want to get out of bed because I don’t’ have my kids here with me every day.

Just because these things still make me cry and still upset me does not mean that I am not gaining strength each time I am in those situations.   I know this because I can feel it getting a lit bit easier each time.   It’s important to keep celebrating every little bit of strength you are gaining so that you continue to have the courage to move forward in your transformation.  If you keep dwelling on the weaknesses you will have a much harder time when you’ve come out of your chrysalis.

It’s ok to be weak, just as the butterfly is when  it first comes out of the chrysalis; it takes 3-4 hours before it can fly.  During that time it is  using the strength it gained while it was in  the chrysalis to be able to fly.    We also need our time before we can fly but we need to make sure we are growing and transforming during that time and not stuck in a place where our transformation cannot take place.

I welcome your comments.

Courageous Butterfly

The length of time the caterpillar stays in the chrysalis before transformation happens depends on the species.  Some take only weeks others can take months.  This is also true for us humans!  Some of us will go through a difficult situation and be able to heal from it very quickly, others will take weeks, months, even years.

I wanted to post this topic for discussion because yesterday I realized I’m still very much in the healing process.  Even though I’ve begun my transformation out of the chrysalis I am still dealing with the pain of my situation.   I was at work doing what I do and was asked one simple question:

“How are you doing”?

I did not even stop to think how I wanted to answer that; it all just came pouring out.  Suddenly I found myself in tears telling this person how I REALLY was.  I did not fake it, or say I was doing well when I really wasn’t.  I had done this in the past when asked that same question.  I would put on a happy face  and lie through my teeth.

After that conversation I thought to myself “you did it”  you have made it through another transformation step.  I can admit how I’m feeling and in doing so can work through those feelings and continue to heal.  It turned out to be a really good conversation for me with that person.  I talked through only what I was feeling at the time, not everything I had gone, through just what I was dealing with in that moment.

The next time someone asks “How are you doing”?  don’t think about your answer and you may surprise yourself when you can answer honestly and you also will be continuing to heal.

Courageous Butterfly

1/4/12

 

How should friends who are married be supportive of their divorced friends?

April 18, 2011

Hello fellow blogger’s I’m excited to say that I did receive a topic suggestion from a reader, well from a friend but that’s ok (thank you to my dear friend for believing in me).  I love the topic and I ‘m grateful that I even received a suggestion, please keep them coming. I save the third Monday of the month to blog about the suggested topics, so don’t be shy I’d love to hear what you would like to blog about.

Ok so let’s get to this topic “How should friends who are married be supportive of their divorced friends”?  Well…..my married friends you know who you are, and I need to take this moment to just thank you for being there for me, you all obviously know the answer to this question because you all knew what I needed and knew how to support me during that crazy time!  A true friend is by your side no matter what is going on in your life and if they happen to be married then I feel it’s a two for one deal!  During my divorce I had best friends who just happened to be very happily married and I found it to be a benefit.  When I needed to talk to them and ask advice or just to vent I found that because they were happily married they tended not to focus on the failed marriage and instead made it a point to help me focus on what was ahead.  I haven’t met a women yet who while going through her divorce focused on what was ahead.  When you go through a divorce you are only focused on the now, on your world that is crumbling beneath your feet.  Sometimes it would just be to help me focus on the next day, but still they were keeping me moving forward.  They also helped me to see the positive side of my marriage, and again there are not too many women out there who can focus on the positive side of their failing marriage while they are going through their divorce. 

Not only did my married friends support me with open arms but their spouses did also, and that meant a lot to me.  I was afraid maybe their spouses would think that I was bad mouthing marriage; it was the opposite because of the love and support I was getting from my married friends.  I was welcomed at their homes for dinner, and welcomed when I just needed a quiet place to sleep away from my reality. 

I will always be surrounded by people who are happily married and surrounded by people who have not gone through a divorce and it’s ok. I feel as long as I have the love and support of the people in my life that I love and that love me then that’s all I need.  So…all you happy married people out there…if you have a friend going through a divorce I hope my remarks have helped you to determine how you would like to be supportive for them. 

Kimberly, Courageous Butterfly