I was talking to a friend just the other day and a comment was made to me that really made me stop and think “what exactly is strength”? The comment that was made said ” I wish I was as strong as you, I’m still dealing with hurt and anger”. Hearing that forced me take a survey of myself because at the time of the conversation I wasn’t feeling very strong in fact I was having a very weak moment. So I wondered why am I coming across looking so strong when I feel so weak?
If I’ve learned anything over the last few years it’s that adversity does make us stronger. Prior to my life trial I was a very weak individual. Never once confronted anyone, stayed away from any type of conflict and did pretty much what anyone asked me to do. I did not realize it then but because of the pain I went through I have transformed into a much stronger person. So why do I still feel weak when everyone else see’s me strong?
I think it’s because they are seeing how I’ve transformed on the outside, they see my accomplishments at work, the positive changes in the external portion of my life, the new car I was able to purchase on my own credit and in my own name, and the new friends that have made such a positive affect in my life. To everyone on the outside I look like I’m a real trooper!
However, no one see’s how different the strength is on the inside. I’m going to be brave and put my weaknesses out here right now in the hopes that I’m helping someone reading this. I want everyone to know that it’s ok to show your weaknesses because when we work through them is when we get stronger. These are the things that only I see: When I go to pick up the kids and have to sit in the driveway of the house that used to be my marital home it gives me a panic attack. When I have to see my ex in public I still have to leave the room and cry. I avoid phone conversations with him because I don’t want him to hear me crying. Most day’s I don’t want to get out of bed because I don’t’ have my kids here with me every day.
Just because these things still make me cry and still upset me does not mean that I am not gaining strength each time I am in those situations. I know this because I can feel it getting a lit bit easier each time. It’s important to keep celebrating every little bit of strength you are gaining so that you continue to have the courage to move forward in your transformation. If you keep dwelling on the weaknesses you will have a much harder time when you’ve come out of your chrysalis.
It’s ok to be weak, just as the butterfly is when it first comes out of the chrysalis; it takes 3-4 hours before it can fly. During that time it is using the strength it gained while it was in the chrysalis to be able to fly. We also need our time before we can fly but we need to make sure we are growing and transforming during that time and not stuck in a place where our transformation cannot take place.
I welcome your comments.