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Final…such a scary word

Published on by Kimberly Novak1 Comment

The word final can mean so many different things depending on the situation.  Many times it comes about in a positive situation like taking your final exam’s, which signifies the completion of a long-term school goal, or finally achieving something you’ve been working a long time on.  Then there are other times when final can be negative as in a relationship coming to an end or the end of something you’ve been enjoying like a television series.  No matter if it’s a positive or a negative the word still has the same meaning…to come to an end.

Today, I’m taking a very big step and it has me scared to death.  I have made it a point to be open and honest since I started this blog and today is no different. I don’t want to only focus on the loss of a marriage so I will remind others that this post as well as my other’s are meant for those dealing with any type of loss. Loss of anything is hard just think back to when we were kids and how we responded when we lost something.  Even as simple as losing our homework or the dollar we had in our pocket, it freaked us out!  It doesn’t matter what it is that we are losing the act of losing anything can be devastating.

I’ve been dealing with the loss of my marriage, my home and living with my kids, along with the identity I had while in my marriage.  I’ve had to make a lot of changes and I’ve lost some friends we shared along the way, but none of that compares to how I am feeling as I make my final step to moving forward. Some may see it as a silly formality given the circumstances, but it is freaking me out.

I’ll just go ahead and say it… I’m beginning my annulment process tomorrow.  Well, hopefully it will be granted to me to proceed with the process.  I”ve been putting it off for some time now; I needed to make sure I was ready to deal with the fact that once this happen’s  that chapter of my life will truly be closed.  Again, I know how silly that sounds, as my ex has officially moved on, I on the other hand need this to continue my journey towards being fully healed.

So what freaks me out? The word final.  Once the annulment is complete that will be it, my marriage will be null and void.   Silly, I know since the divorce pretty much does the same thing, just not in the eyes of the church; for me that’s a big thing.  Aside from that it is still the last and final procedure I will go through with my marriage and it leaves me feeling somewhat sad. I”ve come to terms with the fact that I need to make friends with this very scary word and tomorrow I will be doing just that.

I hope that I can inspire anyone else who may be dealing with making any type of final decision.  If I can offer anything it would be to say that you need to make your decisions in your own time and on your terms.
  You will know when you are ready to move forward and if you look deep within yourself you will find the courage that you need to keep moving forward.

I”d love to hear stories from my you, please feel free to share how you worked out something final in your life.  Respond below in the comments section.

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly 6/1/12

CROSSROADS

Published on by Kimberly NovakLeave a comment

Has anyone ever said to you that you are standing at a crossroads?  Lately I’ve been hearing this word as a lyric in songs, a line in a poem, and it’s even the professional name of some companies.  I understand the meaning as an intersection of two or more roads, and  the more popular definition, a point in which a crucial decision must be made that will have far-reaching consequences.  It was just recently that I realized I have been at a crossroads on several occasions  I just didn’t know it.

Decisions are hard enough to make when we do not sit and analyze them but they become more complicated the more we look into the consequences.  We make decisions all of our lives some become good and other’s bad leaving us regretting that we had not chosen the other road.  Just like anything else in life we cannot change the past or the outcome of what that decision has created in our lives, we can only adjust to the situation and figure out a way to make it work out or move forward with whatever the consequence is.

I’ve had a couple of those regretful moments and lately I am terrified that I may be on my way towards another.  It’s extremely hard not knowing what the right thing to do is especially when the consequences can either be really good or really bad depending on the road you choose; without knowing the outcome until you have traveled the road.

So how do we choose?  I”m still trying to figure that out.  I’ve been praying on it, seeking advice of a close friend and I have talked to one family member.   I think it is important not to ask for advice from too many people at once it will only lead to mass confusion, been there done that!  Seek out someone you can trust, someone who is not biased on the situation, and obviously a counselor or your church will also be beneficial.

I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason.  Wouldn’t it be awesome if the reason was spelled out in front of us?  A perfect world would show us signs along the way:  proceed with caution, danger ahead, yield, or slippery slope ahead.  Personally, I prefer a flashing neon sign that says Here it is; the right one!   Unfortunately, that’s not how it works.  So, here I am again at a crossroads. My job now is to figure out which road is the right road for me.  A decision that leaves you at a crossroad is usually not an easy one to make.  I will take my time, look at all of my options and see which road my gut is telling me to head down.

I’ve done a lot of changing over the last few years and one of the most important things that I’ve changed is learning to listen to my instincts.  I will no longer argue with myself that’s just silliness.  Internal instincts can be what your subconscious is feeling and deep down is what you want even if you dont’ think it is.

If you find yourself at a crossroads please don’t rush to a decision.  Take time, sleep on it, pray on it, and talk about it with someone.  Most importantly when you have reached your decision if it turns out to be the wrong path don’t beat yourself up about it.  I’ve done that and all it does is create more stress that is not needed.  If this road that I am choosing now turns out to be the wrong one I will just have to live with it and like I said before learn how to deal with the consequences.  If it turns out to be the right road then I’m that much closer to really knowing myself and trusting my instincts.

Would you like to share a time when you were at a crossroads?  Leave a reply

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

5/28/12

I’m Gleaning

Published on by Kimberly NovakLeave a comment

Definition of GLEAN:  intransitive verb

1: to gather grain or other produce left by reapers

2: to gather information or material bit by bit

1a: to pick up after a reaper.  b:  to strip(as a field) of the leavings of reapers

2a: to gather (as information) bit by bit. b: to pick over in search of relevant material/ gleaning old files for information.

      The other day I was approached  for some advice.  We spoke only briefly, but during that moment I found myself going back to a dark place that I had once been in and it scared the crap out of me!  I wondered, how can I continue to offer advice or help people if their issues bring up my old wounds?  However, the reason I was being asked for advice is because I had gone through it and I may have have information that could offer some help.  What I need to do is learn how to glean through my emotions.

      I was sharing this with a friend yesterday and was told that the best advice anyone can offer is based on real emotions, and because I had gone through what I did I can offer real advice not hypothetical.   I still had some concerns though; its only been a year and a half am I ready to be the person for other’s to turn to? After some reflection I realized that I have a passion within me to share my story in the hopes that I can help anyone even in the slightest.  So the answer to that is a heartwarming YES!   It may be the best time because the emotions are still so real in my mind.  I can still feel every ounce of what I went through.   Which brought up another concern; if I continue to re-live my trial every time I offer help to someone else will I ever be free of it?  The answer to that is NO.  However, no matter if I’m helping other’s or not I will never be free of any of those feelings because they are within me.  
   
      That’s where gleaning comes in.   When I am asked a question or asked for advice I am searching bit by bit through what I went through looking for relevant material or old information that may fit their current situation.  I need to be able to go back to those moments so that I can offer my best suggestions.  No situation will be exactly the same but if they are similar in nature I can share what I did or what I wish I had done.
      I’ll admit I was sad that day and fearful of the fact that if I am to continue on this journey of being a shoulder for other’s and sharing my experiences with them there will be times when I will have to recall some of those painful memories.  But I am determined to make myself available for anyone out there suffering a loss.  I am willing and ready to go back down any road I have to if it offers comfort or clarity for other’s in their struggle.
    I also know that in the process of gleaning I will learn how to recall those memories without them having a negative affect on the new person I have become.   Wow!  In typing that last sentence I can see that I am truly making progress on my transformation and I’m Blessed to be able to share with all of you.  I hope some of you are doing the same on your journey!  Together we will all transform into the beautiful butterflies we are meant to be.
Is anyone willing to share a moment when you saw progress in your transformation? GLEAN through your memory and leave a reply.
Kimberly
Courageous Butterfly
5/19/12