Author: Kimberly Novak

Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over it became a butterfly……proverb

I stumbled upon this proverb just about a year go and fell completely in love with it.  There are many stories that you can find on the internet that tell the story of the scared caterpillar.  I especially like Hope for the flowers by Trina Paulus.  Don’t want to ruin it for you so I’ll just tell a quick note.  The story tells a tale that takes the caterpillar into a scary situation and he is forced to decided whether or not to continue on that path or to take the risk and go into his cocoon and become a butterfly.   

It’s the same for us.  We have to decide if we are going to continue to be fearful of change or embrace it.   No matter what your situation is there was most likely a time during your trial that you were forced to make a change and as it did for me it probably was your biggest fear at the time.   The scariest change for me was learning how to cope with not living with my kids full time.  I decided to transition into a small home for the first year because I knew that living alone was going to take it’s toll and I did not need to do it in a big empty house.   I’ll admit it the first few months were horrible.  I spent all of my time working, sleeping, crying and that seemed to be by cycle for a while.

As I look back on those months now I can see that, just like the caterpillar in the story, I was stuck in a scary place.  I’m not quite sure when it was that I first started to transform out of that place but I can guess it was when I started a new job.  My confidence level was slowly rising and I was becoming a happier person.

Once  I finally admitted to myself that it was time to begin to move past the last two years and really start to change my life,  I found that what I feared the most was failure.  My track record for success had not been going very well since I had just failed in a 20 year marriage.  Even though the break-up was not my doing I still had a feeling of failure because I didn’t accomplish what I had set out to accomplish; a happily every after.

So I had to evaluate all of the positive things that were taking place during my initial stages of change.  Like the fact that I was extremely happy in my new job and I liked the feeling of being happy.  I needed to figure out what other changes I could make in my life that would continue to make me happy.  I began to involve myself more with my family and friends and payed more attention to how I was feeling on the nights when I was alone.  I began to see that I was changing for the better, I was not as sad on those nights alone and I quickly learned that I have this passion for writing.   Something that I never would admit to myself that I could do.  Sure I wrote letters to friends as a teen and writing was my favorite class in school but this is different.  I was extremely fearful of failure but I decided that I’ve spent enough time hiding from that fear and that it’s time for me to transition towards my future.

You are all  witnesses to my step towards transformation.  This blog is the tool I am using to work on my writing skills and at the same time work through the emotional sides of the transformation.  Most importantly, I’m hoping that I am helping other’s like me who have suffered through a trial and are trying to make the decision whether or not to allow change into their lives.

I found this picture online and it’s awesome because not only does it show the butterfly but it has a human form for the caterpillar, it is a true picture of transformation.  I hope you enjoy it.

Courageous Butterfly 1/10/12

If you have been typing in the blog address you can now drop the wordpress portion.  I have registered the domain name  it is now officially  :  outofthechrysalis.com

Watch for a new post in the next day

Courageous Butterfly

1/9/12

I was talking to a friend just the other day and a comment was made to me that really made me stop and think “what exactly is strength”?   The comment that was made said ” I wish I was as strong as you, I’m still dealing with hurt and anger”.   Hearing that forced me take a survey of myself  because at the time of the conversation I wasn’t feeling very strong in fact I was having a very weak moment.  So I wondered why am I coming across looking so strong when I feel so weak?

If  I’ve learned anything over the last few years it’s that adversity does make us stronger.  Prior to my life trial I was a very weak individual.  Never once confronted anyone, stayed away from any type of conflict and did pretty much what anyone asked me to do.  I did not realize it then but because of the pain I went through I have transformed into a much stronger person.  So why do I still feel weak when everyone else see’s me strong?

I think it’s because they are seeing how I’ve transformed on the outside, they see my accomplishments at work, the positive changes in the external portion of my life, the new car I was able to purchase on my own credit and in my own name, and the new friends that have made such a positive affect in my life.  To everyone on the outside I look like I’m a real trooper!

However, no one see’s how different the strength is on the inside.   I’m going to be brave and put my weaknesses out here right now in the hopes that I’m helping someone reading this.  I want everyone to know that it’s ok to show your weaknesses because  when we work through them is when we get stronger.  These are the things that only I see:    When I go to pick up the kids and have to sit in the driveway of the house that used to be my marital home  it  gives me a panic attack.  When I have to see my ex in public I still have to leave the room and cry.  I avoid phone conversations with him because I don’t want him to hear me crying.   Most day’s  I don’t want to get out of bed because I don’t’ have my kids here with me every day.

Just because these things still make me cry and still upset me does not mean that I am not gaining strength each time I am in those situations.   I know this because I can feel it getting a lit bit easier each time.   It’s important to keep celebrating every little bit of strength you are gaining so that you continue to have the courage to move forward in your transformation.  If you keep dwelling on the weaknesses you will have a much harder time when you’ve come out of your chrysalis.

It’s ok to be weak, just as the butterfly is when  it first comes out of the chrysalis; it takes 3-4 hours before it can fly.  During that time it is  using the strength it gained while it was in  the chrysalis to be able to fly.    We also need our time before we can fly but we need to make sure we are growing and transforming during that time and not stuck in a place where our transformation cannot take place.

I welcome your comments.

Courageous Butterfly