GUMPTION….silly word? I think NOT!

The past few weeks for me have been  a roller coaster ride.  I’ve had days when I’ve felt fantastic but then I also had a few days that were quite the opposite.  Yesterday I had about three different things that I wanted to blog about but I was not able to find a way to get out what it was I needed to say, so I decided not to write.   Then today happened.

I heard the word “gumption” at least four times.  That is not a word that is used frequently and I honestly had no idea what it meant but for some reason it stayed with me all day.  I ended up writing it down on a sticky note which is normally what I do when I want to write about something.    I finished my day and headed home to add the sticky note to my collection and I was very surprised to see there was one already there.  Apparently that word has struck me before I just never took the time to write about it.

The first thing I did was look up the meaning, Gumption:  initiative, courage, spunk.    I was disappointed once I knew what the word meant because at that moment there was no reason for me to blog about it.  My emotions had been so scattered lately, I didn’t feel I possessed any of these qualities.

Of the three descriptive words that define gumption, tonight I need to focus on courage.   Now that my ex has officially moved on I knew at some point there would come a time when I would be required to be at the same place at the same time with everyone.  It would not have mattered if it was two weeks or two years later; I knew I needed to handle it with courage.   I took the initiative and made sure I had supportive people with me during the evening and that helped a great deal.   I will admit I was very nervous even sick to my stomach once I arrived so I immediately began to focus on why I was there, not on who was there.  It was not easy to do so but  I gave 100% of my attention to the reason for being there and did not allow my thoughts to move in a negative direction.   No matter how hard I tried not to be upset there was a point when I really wanted to click my heels and say “there’s no place like home”  then I remembered about the cowardly lion.  I kept thinking about that all night, I sat and repeated the word Courage, Courage, Courage.  I knew if I was going to survive the night it would be courage that got me through.

I am very proud to say that because of my courage I did get through and I was able to enjoy the night, but it was after I left when I needed courage the most.  I did not realize at the time that all that focusing and being courageous was also suppressing what I was feeling.  Once I left and was alone I crumbled.  I sat quietly for a little bit and let it all out.  I was so fearful that I will feel like this each time I am put in this situation and I know that it will be happening often.  As of tonight, I’m not quite sure how I will be the next time around.  I know that this too shall pass and eventually being in the same room with everyone will become easier.  I decided that tonight was not the night to sit and worry about the next time, so I reminded myself that the tears I have  are healing and that what I did took a ton of courage.  That’s when I remembered about the word “gumption”.  I had been thinking about that word all day and wondering how I could relate to it and then boom!  Tonight happened; I endured it and I survived it!  The next time you hear a “silly” word take a second to look up the meaning and you may be surprised how it will fit into your life when you least expect it.


courageous butterfly 3/31/12

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