The past few weeks for me have been a roller coaster ride. I’ve had days when I’ve felt fantastic but then I also had a few days that were quite the opposite. Yesterday I had about three different things that I wanted to blog about but I was not able to find a way to get out what it was I needed to say, so I decided not to write. Then today happened.
I heard the word “gumption” at least four times. That is not a word that is used frequently and I honestly had no idea what it meant but for some reason it stayed with me all day. I ended up writing it down on a sticky note which is normally what I do when I want to write about something. I finished my day and headed home to add the sticky note to my collection and I was very surprised to see there was one already there. Apparently that word has struck me before I just never took the time to write about it.
The first thing I did was look up the meaning, Gumption: initiative, courage, spunk. I was disappointed once I knew what the word meant because at that moment there was no reason for me to blog about it. My emotions had been so scattered lately, I didn’t feel I possessed any of these qualities.
Of the three descriptive words that define gumption, tonight I need to focus on courage. Now that my ex has officially moved on I knew at some point there would come a time when I would be required to be at the same place at the same time with everyone. It would not have mattered if it was two weeks or two years later; I knew I needed to handle it with courage. I took the initiative and made sure I had supportive people with me during the evening and that helped a great deal. I will admit I was very nervous even sick to my stomach once I arrived so I immediately began to focus on why I was there, not on who was there. It was not easy to do so but I gave 100% of my attention to the reason for being there and did not allow my thoughts to move in a negative direction. No matter how hard I tried not to be upset there was a point when I really wanted to click my heels and say “there’s no place like home” then I remembered about the cowardly lion. I kept thinking about that all night, I sat and repeated the word Courage, Courage, Courage. I knew if I was going to survive the night it would be courage that got me through.
I am very proud to say that because of my courage I did get through and I was able to enjoy the night, but it was after I left when I needed courage the most. I did not realize at the time that all that focusing and being courageous was also suppressing what I was feeling. Once I left and was alone I crumbled. I sat quietly for a little bit and let it all out. I was so fearful that I will feel like this each time I am put in this situation and I know that it will be happening often. As of tonight, I’m not quite sure how I will be the next time around. I know that this too shall pass and eventually being in the same room with everyone will become easier. I decided that tonight was not the night to sit and worry about the next time, so I reminded myself that the tears I have are healing and that what I did took a ton of courage. That’s when I remembered about the word “gumption”. I had been thinking about that word all day and wondering how I could relate to it and then boom! Tonight happened; I endured it and I survived it! The next time you hear a “silly” word take a second to look up the meaning and you may be surprised how it will fit into your life when you least expect it.
courageous butterfly 3/31/12