Tag: new life

Something Better

Published on by Kimberly Novak8 Comments

“As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.”

ISAIAH 55:10-11

In this verse from Isaiah, the “rain” and the “dew” are the grace of God, preparing the heart; the seed is God’s truth found in the written word; and you and I are the “Sower,” the servant of our Lord.  It does not get better in the season I find myself in than this passage.  

Today, I celebrate the five-month mark of my traumatic brain injury.  I still get chills when I say those four words. Every day during the two weeks I spent in the ICU, I was asked to identify myself by name and birthdate and then tell them why I was in the hospital.  I knew at the time they were monitoring my cognitive abilities, but it was emotionally painful repeating “brain bleed” daily. 

Now, five months later, I have graduated, calling it a TBI or traumatic brain injury. Somehow, it doesn’t sound as scary.  I have made significant progress in this short time. Today, I began my first day off of a couple of medications and received word that my recent scans do not show signs of a brain aneurysm.  God is good! 

A few weeks ago, I gifted myself a short retreat focused on art and spirituality.  Ironically, it was held in the place where my injury occurred. I’ve read accounts from some who cannot return to the place where their TBI took place. I, however, was grateful that God rescued me in that place and was eager to return, knowing God would hold me close.

“When I let go of inhibitions and allow God’s hands upon mine, creativity becomes a prayer. Every brushstroke becomes a song of the heart, praising the One who gave me life.” Something Better by Kimberly Novak

I had hoped that by being in my “happy place,” I could understand what happened and where I am now.  I succeeded to some extent, but there is a part of me that wonders where I would be if the TBI had not occurred and where God is taking me now. There are deficits, such as mental focus, and for some reason, I struggle with decision-making. Changing my mind has become a habit of late.  In all of the medical mess, they have found a very rare artery disease for which there is no cure. God’s light is the only thing that will help me navigate the specifics of what is yet to come and the only way I can comfortably enter.

I can find little blessings woven in between each diagnosis. If the brain event had not taken place, they would not know that I have so much going on in my arteries.  Now, I know my limitations and how to protect myself best. It will take patience and discernment, but I know I will get to the “something better” God is calling me toward. I’d imagine the caterpillar feels the same way once it realizes what God has in store.  

I miss my writing, but I am happy to say that I completed my first writing assignment just this week. Focusing on sharing God’s light and love through the written word felt so good. The post you are reading now will become my second attempt at getting words on the page. Forgive me if I ramble or go in circles. It’s just God rewiring my brain.

I have days when it feels like I’m not who I once was in my headspace. God’s sense of humor shines through when I reflect on my obsession with the caterpillar’s transformation into a butterfly. Days creep in when I want to go back to before January 18, 2024, and live in that brain again. Those are the moments when I turn to Jesus and prepare for something better. 

Only God knows what my future holds. There are a few things I do know.  God saved me in my place of peace. The Word of God will achieve its purpose. God’s ways are above mine. God has a purpose for me to accomplish before I unite with Him in His Heavenly Kingdom. God is not done with me yet.

“It will not return to me empty but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.”

Isaiah 55:11

Will there be difficulties ahead? You bet! I have always been able to find God in all things. My job now is to find God’s peace in all things. Finding a “comfortable” place in the medical mess can only be good. I will enjoy the gifts and promptings of the Holy Spirit as my guide in the next several months and celebrate every month as a milestone and a new breath of life.

Focusing so much on monthly milestones and celebrating being saved in my place of peace may seem silly. However, I consider them a blessing more significant than some might imagine. Every time I walk through the hallowed walls, where the prayers are embedded, I will remember God’s saving Grace. In the moments I spend on the hallowed grounds, I will praise God for restoration and new beginnings, always looking forward to something better.

Final…such a scary word

Published on by Kimberly Novak1 Comment

The word final can mean so many different things depending on the situation.  Many times it comes about in a positive situation like taking your final exam’s, which signifies the completion of a long-term school goal, or finally achieving something you’ve been working a long time on.  Then there are other times when final can be negative as in a relationship coming to an end or the end of something you’ve been enjoying like a television series.  No matter if it’s a positive or a negative the word still has the same meaning…to come to an end.

Today, I’m taking a very big step and it has me scared to death.  I have made it a point to be open and honest since I started this blog and today is no different. I don’t want to only focus on the loss of a marriage so I will remind others that this post as well as my other’s are meant for those dealing with any type of loss. Loss of anything is hard just think back to when we were kids and how we responded when we lost something.  Even as simple as losing our homework or the dollar we had in our pocket, it freaked us out!  It doesn’t matter what it is that we are losing the act of losing anything can be devastating.

I’ve been dealing with the loss of my marriage, my home and living with my kids, along with the identity I had while in my marriage.  I’ve had to make a lot of changes and I’ve lost some friends we shared along the way, but none of that compares to how I am feeling as I make my final step to moving forward. Some may see it as a silly formality given the circumstances, but it is freaking me out.

I’ll just go ahead and say it… I’m beginning my annulment process tomorrow.  Well, hopefully it will be granted to me to proceed with the process.  I”ve been putting it off for some time now; I needed to make sure I was ready to deal with the fact that once this happen’s  that chapter of my life will truly be closed.  Again, I know how silly that sounds, as my ex has officially moved on, I on the other hand need this to continue my journey towards being fully healed.

So what freaks me out? The word final.  Once the annulment is complete that will be it, my marriage will be null and void.   Silly, I know since the divorce pretty much does the same thing, just not in the eyes of the church; for me that’s a big thing.  Aside from that it is still the last and final procedure I will go through with my marriage and it leaves me feeling somewhat sad. I”ve come to terms with the fact that I need to make friends with this very scary word and tomorrow I will be doing just that.

I hope that I can inspire anyone else who may be dealing with making any type of final decision.  If I can offer anything it would be to say that you need to make your decisions in your own time and on your terms.
  You will know when you are ready to move forward and if you look deep within yourself you will find the courage that you need to keep moving forward.

I”d love to hear stories from my you, please feel free to share how you worked out something final in your life.  Respond below in the comments section.

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly 6/1/12